Why people complain their SO was 'stolen'

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
850 posts
Busy bee

All I can say is, it takes two to tango. Someone who cheats on their SO is 100% responsible for making that decision; they’re never a victim of “being stolen”…but yet, someone can’t cheat if there’s no one to cheat with.

It would be absolutely ridiculous to tell/advise/encourage someone that they should cheat on their SO…BEING the person they cheat with is even worse. I don’t believe there’s ever any justification for cheating, especially within a marriage. It doesn’t matter how boring your SO gets, your vows of loyalty aren’t contingent on whether they remain “pleasing enough” for the rest of your life…so “the grass seemed greener at the time” is a weak, unacceptable attempt at justifying cheating. If you’re so unhappy in your current relationship that you want to seek other experiences, do the decent thing and end it with them first. It’s unfair to make your SO believe you love them when you don’t, and they deserve to be with someone who does. 

Post # 17
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

How old are you? This is something my friends accused girls of in middle school – “stealing their boyfriend”. 

I guess people who cheat must still be immature in some way but that’s pretty extreme, like pre-pubescent extreme. 

Post # 18
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The person who hooked up with by then-boyfriend didn’t “steal” him. She was just being a horrible person for making a move on the partner of me, her FRIEND. And he was being a horrible person for enthusiastically participating. Two consenting adults, no stealing. Just people being horrible.

Post # 19
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Stealing isn’t a thing. Just a coward stepping out on their relationship rather than fixing it or ending it. 100% of the blame goes to the cheater. It’s not every other person’s responsibility to keep an unfaithful person in line. 

Post # 20
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Factor in the possible fact that guys almost always don’t leave a relationship unless there is another on the horizon.

Post # 21
161 posts
Blushing bee

lauralaura123 :  I think that your opinion would be different if your significant other found someone better than you… And once a cheater, always a cheater… so he probably will.

Post # 22
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yes. A person can “steal” another’s husband/boyfriend, in that they present an “easy out” and make themselves available & “better than” the cheated on spouse (at least for the moment). Each person is 100% responsible for their immoral & gross behavior. Cheating with a married man makes you a terrible person. 100% on you for being a terrible person. Obviously, the cheater is a terrible person, as well. 

The truth is that many people will create opportunities to cheat on their spouse. And it is equally as true, that a person, making themselves shiny & new and pursuing a married man in a less than perfect marriage can “steal” a man who, without that persuing woman, would never have cheated.

I’ve seen it play out both ways.

Post # 23
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I agree that my SO has autonomy over his own actions, and only he has the actual responsibility of respecting our relationship. That said, I don’t have a high opinion of the woman who felt compelled to pursue him despite knowing he was in a long term relationship.

I don’t know what her justification was in seeking his attention, but if it was the common excuse of “his current relationship is bad anyways,” then I do take offence to that. I take offense to the thought that because my SO and I were long distance, I was out of sight and out of mind for her. I take offense to the thought that she presumed to know anything about me or about the complexity of our relationship at the time.

In the end I still blame my SO for encouraging her in any way, and I blame him for any indication he gave that he would have pursued a relationship with her if she divulged her feelings. Obviously if he had left me it would have been his choice. But I don’t appreciate her presumption either. Just because she doesn’t owe me respect doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to find her behavior disrespectful.

Post # 24
3545 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

teacher-bee-in-the-sea :  My husband was on a date with someone else when we first met and I really caught his eye. I certainly wouldn’t say I stole him, since we didn’t reconnect until months later when he was single, but people liked to joke that I did. My Father-In-Law broke off an engagement to have the chance to be with my Mother-In-Law, and they’re celebrating 50 years of marriage now. 

To the OP: I agree, you can’t steal someone, but sometimes people cross boundaries that they shouldn’t while they’re still committed to someone, and that’s wrong. I don’t blame anyone for ending a relationship that just isn’t right, but I would prioritize truly ending it before moving on with someone else. 

Post # 25
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

My first husband cheated on me and left me for a 19 y.o coworker.  I never felt like she “stole him” but she definitely preyed on what was already a difficult time in our marriage.   He sought support from her instead of from me and then just like that he was gone (while I was 38 weeks pregnant with his 3rd baby).  

He was having a hard time and fell into this trap.  She was young and maybe manipulated him, I didn’t know her.  I did ask her to back off so we could try to work out our marriage.  She told me “only if he ends it”.  That was when I considered her an intentional home wrecker.  But she never exactly “stole him”.  He had already decided to cheat and try to get on an easier path.  She was just a catalyst. And gone less than a year later.  

Making a connection with someone who is dating someone else isn’t that shady, especially if you just express interest and leave the guy to decide what to do with it. Creating an avenue for cheating with someone married is just horrible.  No matter what is going on in their marriage it’s terrible to interject yourself into that.   If your cosmic connection is that great it’ll wait until he’s actually single.  

If a man leaves his wife for you, he’ll probably leave you to. 

Post # 26
1631 posts
Bumble bee

jannigirl :  I agree with jannigirl here. 

I’ll also add that I’ve seen a lot of cheaters lie to their betrayed SOs (because once you’re in for a pound of lies, what’s another penny of lies) that the other woman or man pursued them, when it was really the other way around, so part of the “stolen” narrative is because of all the “woe is me, she seduced me so thoroughly” bullshit when it was really more like “she was minding her own business, but then I pursued her in a way that made it seem like I actually liked her”. Same token I’ve seen some idiots pursue married people (WHY? I will never know) unprovoked, but that’s been less common in my experience. 

Post # 27
46 posts

Obviously nobody can be stolen and the person who cheats or leaves their spouse is ultimately to blame. And they clearly just didn’t love their spouse enough to stay. But I honestly don’t get the “she wasnt married to you so she didn’t do anything wrong for fucking your husband” bit. Like, if she knew he was married then yeah, she is a fucking whore lol. No question about it. Would I hate my husband more though? Yeah. But if the woman he cheated on me with knew he had a wife and kids then of course, she is just as bad in my opinion. Only shitty people think the mistress is in no way accountable for what happened. How low does your self esteem have to be to feel like you have to go after someone else’s partner? Honestly though. It’s pathetic. 

And I realise that I sound bitter here. But I’ve never actually  been cheated on so I’m not sure why I get so mad about this hahahaha  

Post # 28
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Hmm, while I absolutely agree that the person with the committment was the one who broke their promises, I have no respect for the person who allowed/encouraged the person to cheat, either. 

Indeed, I can see no reason for trying to make a post like this or justify cheating in this way unless a person were trying to alleviate their own guilt. 

And just to throw in another aside from the OP’s previous posts, it is highly unlikely that any agency will allow you to adopt if you are unmarried, let alone your lifting restrictions. 

Post # 29
322 posts
Helper bee

Unpopular opinion: I think the only person who has any obligation whatsoever is the one who made vows.

Calling the other woman a whore, a homewrecker etc. just deflects the blame from the cheater. She doesn’t need to back down – the cheater needs to own up to his vows.

There’s no way to manipulate into cheating a man who doesn’t want to cheat.

Post # 30
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

echomomm :  Yeah unfortunately the adoption thing is definitely out of the question. 

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