(Closed) Why should I be the one to change my name?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

You ruled out options 2 and 3 all by yourself, so you essentially gave yourself “no other option”. So I think the first thing you need to do is come to terms with your own decision making so that you don’t feel like you are being left “in a bind”. Owning those choices will make you feel a lot more empowered in your situation.

As for the kids thing, why can’t you give them option 3 or 5? You have your name, he has his, and the kids have a blend of both? DS has my ex’s last name, which is different from my last name, which is different from Mr. LK’s last name. So we are a family of 3 different last names, and it’s no big deal.


Post # 3
679 posts
Busy bee

Here’s another option: Just keep your name and give your kids your last name as a middle name. 

Post # 4
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

SoobySays:  I’m sorry that you and your Fiance are having trouble figuring out a name solution that makes you happy. But if he doesn’t want to change his name, that’s his choice, just like if you don’t want to change your name, that’s your choice. It’s not his fault YOU don’t like any of the options you see.

Perhaps you could use his name socially but keep your own name professionally and legally, or any other mix of the 3?

Or you could take the portmanteau name in one or two of those ways or all 3 even though he isn’t? 

Post # 5
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I legally took my husband’s last name but I still go by my maiden name professionally.  You could also keep your maiden name and go by your husband’s last name socially.  This is what I wanted to do so I could avoid the PITA that is changing your name, but it was really important to my husband that I change my last name legally to his since he’s adopted and it solidfies the ties to his own family.

Post # 7
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

MrsPHopefully:  +1

SoobySays:  she makes a great point. Also try not to look at it as tour Father-In-Law last name (although it is) like my Father-In-Law is an ass but I’m proud to be taking on FI’s last name because I’m proud to be his bride.

Post # 8
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I think this is one of those situations in life where you have to make a decision and then suck it up. I had no particular attachment to my last name, and I wanted rid of it because it’s my father’s name (we’re estranged).

I don’t particularly like my husband’s last name in and of itself, but to me it’s better than having my father’s name, and it’ll be nice for our future kid to have the same last name… IMO it just makes it easier for stuff like picking the kid up from school and so on. It’s also nice to have the same name as my husband… it really shows we’re married, and the romantic in me likes that. I still use my maiden name at work for various reasons, but once I get a new job I will be going by my new last name.

Changing my name was SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS, though. I am STILL changing some stuff and we got married in December. Even things like PayPal are a royal pain. Sigh.

So basically I don’t think there’s a win-win scenario here. Just pick the lesser of all the evils. Even for someone like me, who jumped at taking my husband’s name, it wasn’t the perfect solution. It still feels a bit weird to me, and I was desperate to get rid of my last name. If you’re attached to your current last name, I would probably keep it.

Post # 9
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

One option you did leave out is keeping your last name, but making it your middle name.

I changed my middle name to my last name and took his last name. While my last name (now middle name) isn’t technically part of my last name, it is always on all of my signatures including business cards and all professional communication, even personal communication like my voicemail, I say my full name. When people verbally say my name, they Mrs.Hislastname (which I feel is easier then saying a hyphenated last name) but I still feel like I have my identity because I see my entire written name on a daily basis, which obviously still includes my last name. 

Post # 10
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

we ended up keeping both our own names. anything else would be totally unfair (imo). our kids will have both our last names, as last names. we’re able to do this because we have names in two languages, so in one language the kids will have his last name and in english the kids will have mine. 😛

Post # 11
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

SoobySays:  I live in Texas and don’t think hyphenation is looked down upon, especially for a mother. I think maybe it’s a bit much for kids but that’s just my opinion and certainly some people disagree. I think it’s cute when kids have hyphenated last names, but I won’t do that because it can cause a lot of paperwork issues. 

I’m sort of in the same boat–I love my name but want to share a name. I ultimately decided I’ll change my last name to his and probably replace my middle name with my maiden. Of course it would be great if the tradition was all men take their wive’s last name, but it isn’t. Most men grow up their whole life knowing their name will always be the same. Women are raised differently–many know they will someday change their name. For this reason I think it is to be expected that your husband wouldn’t want to change his name. It’s fully within your right to keep your name too!

Post # 12
366 posts
Helper bee


SoobySays:  You feel EXACTLY how I feel!

WHY is there an expectation that I should be open to changing my last name, but when a guy decides he absolutely wouldn’t change his, that’s his perogative?

I’m having a really hard time deciding what to do name-wise. And it feels like I’m the only one who has to consider compromising. If I want to share a last name with any future children, I have to change part of who I am – ’cause apparently it’s weird that future kids wouldn’t get HIS last name. Why? They come out of ME!

I could vent all day about my frustration with this whole name-change system. lol

Post # 13
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

LastGirlStanding:  I am in the same situation as you and SoobySays. I don’t want to change my name, and neither does Fiance, but we want to have a family with the same name.

I tried to make a bargain with my Fiance – I change my last name, but I also get final say in what we name our children – not meaning I decide entirely, just a more heavily weighted opinion. Well, he didn’t like that bargain, saying he shouldn’t have to “make a deal” and I shouldn’t have to “make a sacrifice”, I should just “consider it an honor” to take his name. I explained to him that as ambivalent he felt about changing HIS name, he should understand that I feel exactly the same way, and unless he considers it an honor to change his name to mine he can’t expect the same from me. He got it, but… we’re still in the same boat, not knowing what to do. But maybe your Fiance will be more reasonable, and will accept giving you more power over naming your children in exchange for you changing your last name?

Another solution: since moving to Los Angeles, I learned that Mexican people (I am not sure if other Spanish-speaking countries do this as well, but possibly) have two last names, one from their mother and one from their father. Then their kids each get one name from their mother and one from their father. So everyone in the family might all have entirely different names, but the names ARE of a family. I like that idea somewhat, so maybe our kids will just be double last namers who choose one last name to go by, and can choose which name to pass on to their children.

Post # 15
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

SoobySays:  I get this is not the norm for your culture but I’ll share how it happens in mine and perhaps it if of some help.

When pro

Post # 16
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

SoobySays:  I get this is not the norm for your culture but I’ll share how it happens in mine and perhaps it if of some help.

When people get married no one changes names. If husband’s last name is White and the wife’s last name is Cohen, it is just the White Cohen family. Kids will be named like little John White Cohen.  We all carry both mom and dad’s names. I only became aware of how different the whole naming situation can be in other places when FH was here and we went to the doctor and they asked … what’s his second last name? So I asked him as the most natural thing not even thinking he didn’t have one!!! Lol . He is German. That was an awkward  moment. He was super confused. Did not know what we meant, and I had to proceed to explain to the nurse that in his culture they have only one name and then sit down with him for at least half an hour to explain how it works here.

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