(Closed) Why so many of us marry the wrong person

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i read that article a few days ago. I think it’s also because (sorry to be a nerd!) the feeling of being ‘in love’ disappears after a while, which a few studies have shown, it’s a chemical thing that happens and gives us all those feelings of being special and finding this perfect wonderful person that we can’t imagine how we ever didn’t know them. But that fades and then the hard work begins, like other people have said on here.  If couples get married within the first 2 or 3 years of dating, then they still have that in love feeling but that inevitably has to disappear eventually. It’s sad that women (and men) feel like they can’t take more time to think about things though, when everything has to be booked and paid so far in advance for weddings. I think it’s so easy to get caught up in the project of a wedding instead of how you are really feeling and not wanting to let down friends, family and whoever has paid.  And also not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings by saying ‘this isn’t working.’

Post # 19
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

A friend of mine was so in love with the idea of being married they neglected to put any real substance into their relationship. She knew he wasn’t right for her, her dad even told her to call if off if she wasn’t sure but she didn’t want to look like a failure so she went through with it. Along with lots of heartache, tears, and the eventual divorce. They weren’t even married 2 years, she thought she could change him into what she wanted. 

Post # 20
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

I think by “The One”, so many assume that means he will be PERFECT and so they should never fight or disagree or argue or get annoyed or irritated or..etc, etc. Finding “The One” is really a matter of opinion, as there are likely multiple people (and sometimes not even one person) who might be compatible with another. A successful relationship should be founded on communication, honesty, trust, and all things genuine. There should be a lifelong spark and whether or not “butterflies” stick, doesn’t mean the guy is a fail. We need to find someone who knows how to love us the way we need to be loved. Not everyone is capable of that, since everyone needs to be loved differently and everyone has different loving tendencies and abilities. Things can get heated and debatable, sometimes even questionable (hey, it’s only smart to evaluate your life and decisions from time to time), but if you make it through and grow stronger and learn from each experience..good and bad..I think you are headed in the right direction. Sometimes, people grow apart, but if you know you are on different wavelengths to begin with, it makes sense to change your mind. It is never too late to end a relationship. You are in control of your future happiness or unhappiness and you will have no one to blame but yourself if you follow through with something you knew in your heart didn’t feel right. Don’t follow signs or advice. Follow your heart and make smart, healthy decisions for you and your loved ones. “The One” should not be an idea or character, but a genuine human being who will suffer from occasional poor judgement or the random bad mood, but he will be real, interest you and someone you just couldn’t do without. Great topic. 

Post # 21
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

“I don’t think anyone better is going to come along.”

Oooh..I hate that one! Isn’t it more disappointing being with someone who isn’t quite hitting the nail on the head than being alone and independent without expectations of anyone? Afterall, since when did being alone mean bean miserable? You can’t be happy unless you are in a serious relationship or married? I disagree. Being in an unfulfilling, disappointing or unhealthy relationship can be much more unbearable. Hmm..I may be alone here, but I always run away when I find myself complaining regularly. Don’t settle, ladies and gents. You know yourself best and what you need and want out of a mate. Don’t settle for less than what you want and you won’t settle at all. No regrets. Make yourself happy, even if that involves being happily single. 🙂

Post # 22
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This post reminds me of a quote that I LOVE and has certainly been true in my life. Not sure who said it but here it is –

 

     “Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

Post # 23
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

..and another thing…

relationships can feel so confusing when you go from a very passionate, primal love to a more solid, friendly love. Every relationship is different and some lack things that others had. It is easy to assume it is not “love” if it is not the same or familiar, but love comes in all shapes and forms and different people are, again, capable of different things. Personalities dictate the direction of the relationship and can highten or hurt a relationship. Everyone gets along just a little bit differently and heated passion can sometimes border irrational obsession, where a best friend’s love can sometimes feel similar to that of family and not as unique or special. Passion can be explosive and unstable, where genuine loyalty and friendship can be forever. Sometimes you have to analyze whether the love you thought you were feeling in a relationship wasn’t actually something more obsessive and unhealthy. To desire and thrive off of someone in one’s life is to be expected, but to NEED someone in one’s life is not necessarily a healthy thing. 

Post # 24
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Interesting article. I can definitely identify with staying with the wrong person because it would be emotionally painful to separate or that you don’t want to start all over again.

Agree with boombacha re the expectation that your partner will be ‘perfect’, or that the ‘completely in love’ phase will last forever.

A lot of couples I have spoken to have reached that ‘are we partners or just friends that sleep together’ phase after a few years and have really questioned whether they should continue the relationship. It seems quite common to go through this phase – perhaps we have unrealistic expectations. 

The grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it just appears that way. 

 

Post # 26
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

its a very intresting article but don’t we often second guess almost anything we do major? Isn’t that human nature?

I think you should marry your best friend. are they going to drive you insane sometimes, yes.  🙂

I agree with Milesandbos, I think we dont value what we have anymore and we always think we should try something else because it might be better. 

relationships have ups and downs its the downs that make the strength and knowing you have somebody not just through the good… because that’s easy.

 

 

 

 

Post # 27
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

I’m in a psychology field, so I’ve read a lot about this. It turns out that most of us think (and hope) we’re marrying “the one”. But there is no “the one”. And, as human nature goes, after years of being together, we stop trying hard. We stop trying to respect the other person, we stop trying to be nice and considerate to them, and we stop working to keep the romance alive. So both people end up in a vicious circle of “why should I do that? Let him/her work some as well!”

But that’s human nature. So it turns out that a few divorces are because people really knew they were marrying the wrong person or because of abuse. But most divorces are normal people thinking they had found the love of their lives who did not realize that it takes work to maintain that love. That every marriage and relationship takes work and respect to maintain throughout time, as both people grow, sometimes in different ways. As it is (and some blame consumer culture for this) we’re always looking for more ego gratification, and often end up with the “grass is greener” syndrome.

Here’s the kicker: studies have shown that people who divorced for the ego gratification and “grass is greener syndrome” (ie they’re just not as happy anymore, they feel something is missing, they just don’t get along anymore) were found to be as happy or less happy 5 years after divorce, even if they had remarried. The truth is that sometimes we just attract what makes us unhappy into our lives. And sometimes changing ourselves is the only way to make it better.

Post # 28
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been in a relationship for 1 and a 1/2 years. And whilst that may not seem long to many it has taught me many things. “The one” is someone we create in our heads, and are the people of novels. Now that’s not to say I don’t feel I’m with my soulmate, as I firmly believe I am.

Even if I had a chance to marry this mystic man we lovingly refer to as “The One”, I wouldn’t as he is not the man I am currently with now. My other half is better, he is real, he is who he is. We are best friends, solidly in love as can be, and feel that without each other, we’re not complete. 

The reasons listed were interesting. I had doubts at one point before I realised that I loved him, but it wasn’t because “we invested so much time, I can’t turn my back on it now etc”. The idea of not loving him terrified me and killed me inside, and I felt life would fall apart and all I could think about was all the times we’d never have. 

 

Luckily we turned it around and when he asked me to marry him, I was beyond happy. To infinity and beyond!! 

 

As a final note, I think if you ever have any doubt big or small, your gut feeling will surface eventually, whatever it be. 

Post # 29
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I did it because he was good at hiding his true colors until 6 weeks before the wedding. By that time my parents had already paid for everything so I felt like I couldn’t back out.

Post # 30
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

A wedding is one day, but a marriage is forever. I was married before. I had doubts on my wedding day, and had been having them throughout the planning process. When I voiced my doubts to my ex, he told me that I was crazy (literally). I didn’t think that I could cancel the wedding, and I also started to believe my ex (that I was crazy). I remember teh morning of my wedding I cried b/c I told my mom I didn’t want to get married. Obviously, now this is a lot more obvious. I have not had one single doubt about my partner – from moving in to buying our wedding bands. I was actually telling my best friend last night that it took almost 2 years for my ex to tell me he loved me… and my partner and I have been together less than two years. 

Marriage isn’t easy. I wanted to go to counseling, but my ex refused to go. This was very important to me, and my partner and I discussed that if either of us had problems we would agree to go to counseling. I do think that for some people, they think if it doesn’t work out, they can get a divorce. I fully admit that my ex said that – and look, we’re divorced! (That said, going through a divorce was not easy and emotionally it was incredibly difficult for me, and I’m the one who filed). 

Post # 31
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@ khf777

YES! THIS!

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