(Closed) Why the drama??

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

There does seem to be a lot of drama with BMs… and it seems to happen for a variety of reasons:

Sometimes the bride chooses people to make even sides, when they aren’t that close to them to begin with.  The filler person ends up feeling like a filler, and is often uncooperative because they aren’t as close with the bride as an attendant should be.

Some might ask someone who lives nearby so they can help more, but this often turns into the Bridesmaid or Best Man feeling more like a worker and less like a friend.

BMs come in many shapes, sizes, styles, and economic situations- so maybe they are not comfortable in a particular dress or with a particular price range.

Sometimes a wedding party is selected 2 years before a wedding date, and there’s all this time in between where friendships degrade, people change and grow apart, and other life events happen and ‘get in the way’.

Most of these can be avoided by being upfront about expectations and fostering open lines of communication. 

Unfortunately, there are times when the bride is just crazy, selfish, and rude.  And, of course, there are the times when a Bridesmaid or Best Man is just crazy, selfish, and rude. 

Post # 4
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I dont think your sitation is really drama. The Bridesmaid or Best Man couldn’t afford the dress at the time, didnt want to bring it up in front of the whole group, and bought it a week later. Did you discuss budget with the girls individually?

Post # 6
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@beloved125:  she just bought herself and Ipad and a cruise (which I dont care cuz its her money) But I did get offended because “the other things” were luxury

That mentality is part of the drama. It’s her money and she can spend it however she wants. She bought the dress you wanted. Her lecturing you about money is no more rude than you keeping an eye on how she spends her money.

Post # 7
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think it’s the time of year combined with whatever personal problems everyone has got going on.  People’s lives don’t ever stop for any reason, and while we try our best to be happy for the bride, sometimes we just run out of excitement and enthusiasm because at times it can feel so very one sided, eventhough we know that is not the intention of our friend.

When you are part of a large bridal party, and a lage wedding with a long engagement, the list of obligations both financial and emotional are myriad, it gets overwhelming…and you are supposed to be able to talk to the bride about things that you are dealing with because your friends, but let’s face it, she’s not going to listen, because her focus is entirely on this event, and that’s fine…but it can strain a relationship.

I wouldn’t have dared to say anything even remotely critical of the dress my bride picked, because I knew the tantrum she would throw and the fallout from that, far outweighs the hefty price tag and below average quality of the thing…so I eat my words and go on.

She invites me to lunch, to discuss wedding things, but expects me to pay, because she’s the bride….tells me to make the groomsmen gifts, but when I ask her how much she wants to spend, she looks at me like I’m crazy and says, “It won’t be that much, can’t you just buy them for me?”  She doesnt answer calls, return calls or show up on time…it’s frustrating and makes me feel ill used after 30 years of devoted friendship….I feel like I don’t know her, and honestly, I feel trapped….

I’m certainly not saying you are guilty of any of this rubbish, and I don’t mean to thread-jack at all…but from the other side of the fence, being in a bridal party today, with expectations of brides higher than ever…well, it’s like trying to get ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag…and it seems like you just keep failing your friend, in spite of your best intentions.

 

Post # 8
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think the majority of the time, Bridesmaid or Best Man drama comes from the bride having ridiculous expectations for what her BMs should be doing. 

In your situation, I think the courteous thing to do would have been to ask your BMs for their budget up front, not put the responsibility of the maids to come to you after you’ve picked a dress and tell you it’s too much for them to handle.

@Bostongrl25:  +1  cannot stand when people bring up what other people have spent on themselves.  It’s their hard earned money they can spend it on whatever they’d like!

Post # 9
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I see a few common things with most people that have issues with their BMs:

1. They arent close friends or even real friends to begin with

2. The person was asked just to even out the bridal party

3. I notice a lot of brides think their bms or MOHs should be doing a lot of things that they dont have to do. Even though I am getting married and very excited I must say that NOBODY is as excited for your big day other than maybe yourself, parents, and Fiance (my Fiance isnt excited about planning at all). Nobody is jealous of you and I dont understand why that’s the first assumption. Ive never felt jealous toward anybody getting married.

Post # 10
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Bostongrl25:  +1 my money is my money and I think a cruise for myself is more important (and fulfilling) vs paying a lot for a BM’s dress. Sorry

Post # 11
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would agree with PP – a lot of the drama seems to come from brides forgetting that the wedding excitement is huge for them, but not as huge for other people. That’s not to say, OP, that that’s what you’re doing – it’s just something I’ve seen and even experienced myself. Money, time, obligations, stress…it can be overwhelming.

Jealousy can be a big factor, too. If a Bridesmaid or Best Man is up to her eyeballs in a bride’s wedding plans, while being the single girl, or the one who’s waiting for her own engagement, it can be emotionally difficult.

I think it’s important to keep communication as open and honest as possible. Be respectful of people’s money, time, and lives outside the wedding. People have their own jobs, volunteer commitments, families, and so on.

As for the specific “drama” mentioned by OP, it seems like maybe it was just a money issue. For some people (myself included), talking about money can be really difficult and stressful, if not embarrassing.

Post # 12
Member
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

I think because brides and bridesmaids are often young and therefore more dramatic by nature in general, brides are often unusually invested in the wedding being just-so, often even unrealistically so (vs. other things they have done with their friends) and can seem (or actually be) more selfish than usual, few brides have as many super-close friends as they have bridesmaids, even super-close friends can have drama, and many people don’t know how to pick great friends in the first place nor how to sort out issues that may occur, and when one of the members of a so-so friendship has a wedding, it’s a test the friendship often isn’t strong enough to withstand.

Post # 14
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’ve been hearing it a lot lately, and frankly it scares me as the bride-to-be.

I picked my BMs based on strength of friendship. Low-drama, low-negativity BMs. 3/4ths of them are Cancers and I gun for Cancers because they are usually pretty easy going and gel well with me. I didn’t realize when I got engaged that my MOHs (yes, I have two) have so much to do, so I purposely try not to saturate them with wedding crap. Both are single and I know I’d be annoyed with anyone who did that to me.

I don’t want to be a bridezilla or even a very demanding bride. Whatever they can do (one of them is thousands of miles away) is fine by me. They’re not my property and they’re not my slaves. 

I’m hoping to steer clear of the drama. Some of these stories are totally eek!-worthy.

Post # 15
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@gelaine22:  +1 why is the jealousy assumption always at the forefront? It’s amazing how many people can be so self-centered and narcissistic.  Not everyone wants to be you just because you’re getting married!

When I was single and even when going through bad breakups, and in dead end relationships I wanted to lead to marriage that weren’t, I was NEVER jealous (or anything but ELATED) for my friends in great relationships who were getting engaged and married.  And, at times in my life when I have been jealous of others, I’d never treat them poorly because of it.  I’d keep it to myself, since jealousy is a personal issue you have to work out within yourself.    

Post # 16
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@beloved125:  There is no personal attacks or snarkiness on this thread. You asked a question on a public forum and I gave my honest opinion. Just because you don’t like what I said doesn’t mean I’m attacking you.

The topic ‘Why the drama??’ is closed to new replies.

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