Post # 46
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
People, Ive noticed love participating in “misery olympics” and I think these warnings are just a way of proving to you just how hard they have it. Yes having a child is hard but it’s also wonderful. It’s all about your attitude, if you choose to only see the negative then you certainly can make pregnancy and parenthood horrible but I personally don’t choose to be a negative bitter human being.
Ive also noticed it seems to be trendy for people to say they hate kids as if it makes them seem cool and edgy, so it might be a little bit of that too.
Post # 47
lula0508 : I know people who are super downers about their kids and my response is to say “I’m sorry you regret having children so much” and then change the subject. They then fall all over themselves to say “oh no I love my kids, blah blah blah” but it gets the point across that they haven’t said a single nice thing about them.
Also the people who aren’t drama queens aren’t as loud so you are getting skewed samples. People have complained to me that they were tired and immediately say “omg look who I’m talking too – sorry!”. Um….just because I’m 7 months pregnant doesn’t mean I’m tired all the time, and it certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t tired! It’s not a contest. We’re all allowed to have tired days and complain about it sometimes.
Post # 48
My future brother in law was whining and complaining and going on and on about how boring his sons iep meetings are. Really, he just doesn’t know when to shut his mouth.
I asked him what they are like and he said it’s a room full of people saying your son did this and your son did that and he met this milestone and he’s in this percentile.
I looked at him and said “and that bores you??”
He quickly changed his tune and said one person had a boring monotone voice.
They care enough to pretend to be more caring when they are called out but not enough to be more involved parents.
Post # 49
litttlemisslamb : I was just saying that all of the negativity I heard pre-pregnancy about how I was definitely going to hate being pregnant and it was going to be so awful turned out to not be the case for me. I wasn’t judging people who have difficult pregnancies.
I’m not judging anyone else or their experiences. I’m simply saying everyone has a different experience, and I don’t understand why people feel the need to volunteer every negative opinion they have about pregnancy, babies, and kids…or why they feel the need to sit back and tell me exactly how my experience is going to be when they don’t actually know what it’s like for other people.
And for what it’s worth, I’ve never asked for any of the comments…I’m not going up to parents telling them they look tired or miserable. I don’t even volunteer the information that I’m pregnant…it’s just that at this point it’s pretty obvious to anyone that sees me…and then I get lots of unsolicited negativity.
Does it mean I’m on a high horse because I’m not asking for people to tell me how miserable they think I’ll be and I think it’s weird that strangers feel a need to tell me that? I’m sorry if my post rubbed you the wrong way, but honestly I just have gotten fed up with people who seem to want me to have a miserable pregnancy and parenting experience.
Post # 50
about a month before my wedding I went and hung out with a friend and her son, who at the time was about 1 year old. He’s a great kid, though he has an insane list of food allergies (to sum it up: is it food? Then he’s allergic.) Before this night I’d never heard a single complaint about having a kid from her. (Except for of course a few complaints while pregnant–I feel like every pregnant woman I’ve known has complained a little in the third tri.)
I hung out with her and a friend of hers who has two daughters who at the time were roughly 5 and 3. The older daughter was suuuuper whiney–full breakdown over every single thing (e.g. i wanted 3 cucumbers, not 4!). The younger one was sweet but apparently has insomnia and is up all night every night.
Both women joked about “don’t have kids” or “wait as much as you can” (which at first was like haha very funny.. a little weird that you’re doing this literally in front of your kids) but the joking became more and more serious as the night went on and the wine (which they made clear they desperately needed to escape their realities) kept flowing.
Honestly? I used to think the “don’t have kids”/”its so hard”/”just wait”/etc.. was sort of a joke and/or a way to show how hard your life is. (Because this society loves being a martyr!) But that night made me start to believe that, at least for these women, it was seriously coming from a place of sadness. In particular my friends friend, but really both had a lot to deal with. I believe that both love their kids to death–but they were exhausted in every way possible and it was getting to them. Every little thing was a challenge because of their kids and their lives were no longer their own. I know they went in to motherhood, as many do, knowing that would be the case (especially the lives no longer their own) but it doesn’t mean they don’t mourn it.
Post # 51
Ok in my experience…
The people who say negative things are usually the people who wanted a kid because other people had kids and it is just “what you do.” There is a lot of pressure to hit all of these so called adult milestones and I even used to feel at times this nagging desire to have kids just to be like my friends, once they all became moms.
I came to my senses and realized the right time for me is not necessarily going to line up with what is considered normal to a substantial portion of society. I also have a strong urge to adopt one day.
I often hear from people I know: “I love my son but I don’t ever want another child” or “you just don’t know how hard it is as a parent” or (from FI’s ex who he shares kids with) “it is so tiring, hard, expensive… etc.”
I think the best thing about waiting to have children until a bit later is fully grasping the pros and cons and going into it with realistic expectations. Older moms seem to be less negative about it – this is just in my experience – than moms who maybe feel they “traded” certain opportunity for parenthood.
Post # 52
Sansa85 : OP made a self indulgent post because the only part of motherhood she is struggling with is other people’s negativity. Sounds like a manafactured problem to me.
It’s great OP’s family life is picture perfect, but I know that’s not the case for many moms including myself. OP doesn’t know the behind closed door family circumstances of these supposedly overly negative people. People don’t have choice in whether their pregnancy is difficult or their child is disabled–but it’s certainly a choice not to judge and openly disparage people struggling with motherhood.
Post # 53
litttlemisslamb : I don’t think people are judging people who struggle with motherhood. I don’t think anyone on this board expects life as a parent to be picture perfect and all-around glorious.
However, the moms who act like “You think you are stressed!? HAH! Only moms know what true stress is like!” are overboard and annoying. I am sute life as a mom is stressful. But my life as a non-mom can be stresful, too.
It also gets blown out of proportion when people make it sound like being a mom ruins your life. I’ve been told I will ruin my sex life, my career, my body, maybe my marriage and my emotional sanity in becoming a mom. These things may all be true at one point or another, but being a mom doesn’t mean your whole life goes down the toilet forever.
Post # 54
lula0508 : Yeah. The body comments just kill me. YES, your body changes, some people’s bodys never go back to pre-pregnancy size. Some people have very real health/body issues post pregnancy.
But that is not true for EVERYONE. In my opinion, it is so silly to ONLY focus on the negative parts of being a parent.
I often think if you flipped the script on these moms and said “you know, you are right. Based on everything you’ve said, I would never be a parent! Your life seems horrible!!” They would FREAK and tell you how wonderful their kiddos are, how much it’s changed their life for the positive and how you are stupid for not wanting to have kids. With some people, you just can’t win!
Post # 55
litttlemisslamb : I’m pretty sure OP was just venting about how frustrating it is when people give UNWARRANTED comments on how difficult pregnancy/motherhood is. If you were asked about having a hangover/rough night, and then explained it, that certainly isn’t an unwarranted comment since you were asked about it. She’s basically saying that people were telling her that she was going to have a rough time being pregnant. Sure, maybe they had rough pregnancies themselves, but they shouldn’t tell someone else they’ll have it just as bad just because that was their own experience. Youre turning this into something it isn’t.
Post # 56
lula0508 : Well, that’s how it actually is. There are great moments and there are miserable moments and then there are those moments when you ask yourself why it ever crossed your mind to procreate. As with everything in life, pregnancy, babies and kids (and marriage, and carreer…) have their ups and downs and everyone can only give you their own version of their own reality.
Post # 57
lula0508 : I’m really surprised you have such few positive comments. All my friends (currently all kids under 5) feel the same way…life is so much fun with kids! Yea we can have bad days but the pure joy you get from seeing your baby/toddler grow and learn new things is something I can’t compare anything else to.
Post # 58
Misery loves company.
I can tell you my daugther has been sleeping 14 hours a night with no waking up for at least a year now (she’s 16 months) and that I adore motherhood and my pregnancy was great. But I get side eyed in mommy groups if I don’t complain enough…. haha.
Post # 59
I think it’s because so many parents feel lied to by society, tv/movies, and their parents- that parenthood wasn’t at all how they expected it to be. They had rude wakeup calls and think they’re helping by telling you. I wish people hadn’t romanticized it so much to me, my expectations were way too high and I was unprepared for the personal feelings of disappointment when I felt like I was failing.