Post # 1
I know most couples fight 85% of the time about money. We don’t make hardly any money- but we never fight about it. I almost wish it was what we fought about, money is something we could change. 95% of what we fight about is pain. I am always in pain. Every day. I do everything I can to not be in pain and he is sick of it. Being in pain every day wears on a person. When it gets bad I get cranky and tired. I know he is sick of having a cranky, tired Fiance. I feel bad he has to put up with me, but at the same time I’m doing everything I can.
I have gotten chronic migraines since I was 11 or 12. I get them when it storms, I get it right before my period, if I dont eat enough, if I dont sleep enough, when I get a cold, when I eat chocolate or sometimes if I have too much caffine. I do everything in my power to keep them at bay. I also have TMJ so that when I am stressed I unconsiously clench my jaw and I get searing pain in my ear and left part of my face. The genetics in my mom’s side of the family has so kindly given me bowed legs which puts intense pressure on my knees and ankles which nearly leaves me in tears after an 8 hour shift at work. I have endomitriosis which makes having sex VERY uncomfortable. Its like losing my virginity every single time we have sex (minus the blood). And while Restless Leg Syndrome isn’t painful, it still makes it impossible to sleep without my prescription.
Sadly these are all things doctors have diagnosed me with. I do what I can to prevent what I am able. It doesn’t stop everything. I take a minimum of 2 ibprophen every day; I only take it when I can no longer function. It barely takes the edge off, sometimes not even then. I feel like I am wasting my life constantly being worn out from dealing with this. I sleep 10-12 hours minimum every night and if I have the time a 6 hour nap 1-2 times a week. Im exhausted.
I know this can’t be easy for Mister. I’m totally a Debbie Downer, I never want to go out. I just want to sleep sleep sleep. I get annoyed that I work 40 hours a week and he only works 12-20 hours a week. Its not fair. And I am always expected to come home and make dinner right away. I know I cook 100% better than him, but at the end of the day I feel like crying Im in that much pain, the last thing Im thinking about is eating. But he hasnt eaten all day because he cant figure out how to make a freaking quesadilla. I just wish he had more sympathy. I wish he would do more. I don’t expect to be treated like a queen- just like the harder working half of a couple. Instead of the first words coming out of his mouth being “Wow, you’re grumpy today!” and saying “Oh, you had a bad day, come sit down for a bit” and then helping with dinner… I’m just so frustrated.
Post # 3
I am sorry. It is hard to be in constant pain. I wish I could help. *Hugs*
Post # 4
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
you should prob tell him all of these things as well as try, on your part, to hear him out. I can tell you.. I don’t think I could put up with someone who has so many things to complain about. About the pain, maybe you should take meds BEFORE the pain becomes unbareable. I get migranes too, they suck. what are you taking for them? Imetrex really works for me when I get the aura , if i take one.. it stops it from happening. Make sure you eat! Snack all day! good luck
Post # 5
Thanks for your reply. I try to complain as very little as possible. I try to do whatever he wants me to do. Ibprophen works for my migraines, usually they are the least of my pain (and if you know what migraines are like, thats saying something). Those I get fairly rarely since figuring out what prevents them. Now if only I could get the weather and my periods to cooperate… But yeah- I don’t think I complain a ton, I’m just not always the happy, bubbly girl I am when I get a few hours of no pain. Then Im just plain silly.
Post # 6
Could you be anemic too? That could explain the fatigue. I feel for you. I don’t have as many ails as you, but I get sore a lot (especially when I’m sick, which is a lot), and my husband doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be touched. He is learning though. 🙂 Maybe trade massages with your partner so you can relax and focus on that instead of your pains, and it could be like bonding time?
Post # 7
I know what you mean. I have a problem with my stomach that makes it really uncomfortable to have any weight on top of me, and it makes me nauseated a good portion of every day. I also have MDD, so I struggle to stay at a “normal” mood, and he gets frustrated with me sometimes. Some days (3ish days a week) I have leg pain related to an ankle injury that was untreated, causing nerve damage.
I know (and just because I know something doesn’t make it easy to practice it) that he doesn’t experience these things directly like I do so he doesn’t remember or understand all the time, but really, I’d just like to punch him so maybe we’d be in an equal amount of discomfort for once.
Post # 8
When I was sick for six months (figuring out the TMJ) I had a full blood panel done up because they thought I might be diabetic. But everything with my blood is normal. I’m trying to make him understand that if he wakes up to find me on the couch its not that I dont want to sleep with him. Its that sometimes its difference in if I can fall asleep or not.
I agree with the punching. I wish he could walk in my shoes for a week so he would get the full effect. Maybe he wouldnt demand dinner be made for him so often. Or he would do some chores without being asked. Or maybe he would be a little more freaking pleasant when I come in with a frown on my face. Its not because I am unhappy to see him. Its because I feel like bawling.
Post # 9
Ahhh. Why are you marrying him? Sorry, but when you’re working 4 times more than he is and dealing with your health issues and he “demands” dinner. That’s just not right. I work 12 hour shifts as a nurse nigth and day, sometimes I sleep all day long, etc. When we got our own place together it was a huge adjustment to not have his mom there to cook and clean for him (they’re Philippino). He would be sooo grumpy because he hadn’t eaten all day. And I would tell him, “you’re in a bad mood, you haven’t eaten why have you not cooked for yourself? You’re an adult”. I think you’re Fiance needs to hear the same thing. Let him stomp his feet all he wants, he’s an adult fend for yourself! He should feel lucky when you make a meal for him or take care of him! It is NOT your job to look after him and he’s not going to leave you if you don’t. If anything, he’ll respect you more once you stick up for yourself. Good luck.
Ps. You should see a specialist about your chronic pain issues/fatigue. Ibuprofen is not good enough for migraines as you describe. You need a prescription medication such as Maxeran. You also need a CBC/660. Do you think your fatigue could be caused by depression? Whenever someone tells me they are sleeping that often it’s the first thing I think is going on depression, then anemia.
Post # 10
It seems your SO is the type of guy who wants a traditional marriage where you cook every day. But in that kind of marriage the guy works and the woman stays home. She doesn’t go out and work full time while he works part time. With that being said, you two need to have a serious discussion about roles and expectations and of course taking your condition and the amount of time each of you spends at home in mind.
Here are some suggestions/solutions:
Buy groceries where he can make sandwiches, pop things in the microwave/oven when he is hungry and when you don’t feel like cooking.
When you do feel like cooking, overcook and freeze portions for one and two that can be popped in the oven/microwave.
Teach him how to cook basic things so that he can fend for himself and eventually cook for you.
As far as doing things around the house goes, you may just have to remind him. As long as it gets done, right?
Post # 11
Depression runs in my family, and definitely has been a problem in the past. It hasnt been an issue in 2+ years at minimum. I don’t know if thats the problem or not. It just feels like when I am in this much pain I just get worn out from it and sleep it off.
Mister isn’t the only one who would like a traditional marriage. I would be estatic if I stayed home, cleaned house, cooked a five course every night, and popped out babies. That really is my dream life. He tells me that he would trade me jobs in a second, but I don’t push him to find a new job since we are both in college. When school is in session I go down to 32 hours. Its still hard, but life is hard in general. He does a lot of the other chores, but I do have to remind him more than I would like. I do most of your solutions like making enough for two meals, buy him microwave meals, etc. He knows how to make a few things, but I think he feigns unintelligence so things are easier for him.
Post # 12
If you have endometriosis, why aren’t you on a pain management schedule? I was misdiagnosed with it years ago, did a cycle of Lupron and had a standing prescription for narcotic pain meds. The TMJ can be managed through mouthpieces, have you had your destist fit you for any? A good friend of mine has it and she lives by her mouthpieces. I agree with PP – you should be taking a prescription for your migraines. If you have chronic pain, you should have it treated. If your doctor won’t treat it, go see a different one. Do not settle for living in so much pain. With the medical advancements in this day and age, there is no reason for it. *HUGS* (gently, so you don’t hurt).
Post # 13
I have a problem with chronic pain too. I have RA and Fibromyalgia. There is not much I can do with the pain, but I am on an anti-depressant to help deal with it. It will help your energy level and general outlook.
You say that depression has been a problem before? It probably has something to do with your issues now. Not the pain issues, but the issues it causes.
I really think you should fix your health problems (or at least get them to a manageable state) before you try to fix your FI’s problems.
No one should have to live in pain all their lives. Best of luck to you!!
Post # 14
Haha, thanks for the gentle hug! Also, I love your icon. I do have a mouthpiece and it has done WONDERS. Nonetheless, I still get some flare ups during the day. Mostly when school is in session and I have to work 4 days and 2 days I have schoool ALL day and I have 3 papers and four exams and 2 projects and…you get the idea. Sometimes stress > me. (Maybe I didn’t say its stress induced TMJ, Im too lazy to scroll up lol). They never did say anything about the endomitriosis though. I’m starting to think my doc sucks.
Guess its time to schedule an appointment.
Post # 15
I am sorry you’re going through all of this. It can be difficult for someone who doesn’t have chronic pain to understand/empathize. I think you should have a sit-down with him and explain how you really feel. Maybe you could at least pretend to be in a good mood when he gets home for at least a few minutes. I know it’s not easy, but it might make a difference. Then tell him what he can do to help you because sometimes guys are clueless that way.
Post # 16
If they’ve confirmed it’s endo, and you aren’t looking to have a baby in the next year or so, talk to them about pain management or lupron. Lupron puts you into a chemical menopause, so you have no lining, and therefore no pain 🙂 But, menopause sucks balls, let me tell you. And I didn’t even have endo! Stress > me CONSTANTLY. I get stress migraines, they suck. Hopefully, if you can get the chronic pain under control, the stress won’t be so bad. Also, I know nothing of bowed legs, but has your doctor ever mentioned inserts for your shoes or anything, if they haven’t, ask! If they don’t listen, YELL. Seriously. I had to get REAL loud at my son’s doctors office because they wouldn’t test him for allergies, and he was having a LOT of trouble, especially with breathing and the asthma meds were not working. After struggling for some months (like 4 or 5), losing my job because I had to take him to the ER every other day, I was fed up. They sent him to a specialist, found out about his food allergies and he’s golden now. Don’t let them not treat you.