Post # 1
I had seen bees distraught by this before… parents writing in uninvited kids on RSVPs… ugh!<br /><br />
I am the youngest on both sides of my family and FI is the youngest on his mom’s, and somewhere in the middle on his dad’s. We both have bigger families… his mom has 4 siblings, his dad has 10, my dad has 3, and my mom has 5. There are lots of cousins and now that most cousins are married and have kids…. there are TONS of kids. So, we didn’t invite cousin’s kids. We had to cut it off somewhere.<br /><br />
There are kids invited to our wedding, but those kids are FI’s nieces, children of our bridal party members, and some friends’ kids that we know very well. We would have invited some cousins’ kids but we decided that we should cutit off at cousins lest we hurt feelings by picking and choosing.<br /><br />
We were doing SO WELL! All of FI’s family members and my family members seemed to understand… kids not written on the invite = kids not invited. But then yesterday…. we got our first… <br /><br />
I understand that people may have trouble getting a babysitter or something, but I really wish that if that was the issue that they would call or e-mail us and just be honest. We may be able to figure something our here with this and maybe just explain to FI’s dad’s side why two cousins’ kids are in attendance but the rest weren’t invited. I would rather do that. I really don’t want to cause trouble and I want to avoid any potential conflict. <br /><br />
So…maybe we’ll just let these kids come… I’m not sure. I don’t want to be unfair to others who did understand what we meant. <br /><br />
I just SO hope that no one else does this. We have heard back from about 50% so far…
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Post # 2
YogaFaerie: I would not ignore it. That is just rewarding bad behavior and sure to cause hard feelings amongst the cousins who do not get to bring their children.
Post # 3
I think it’s completely rude to add extra people on RSVPs, and those that do so should not be allowed to get away with it. It’s unfair to the polite people who didn’t add extras.
Post # 4
don’t cave! first of all, it’s rude of your guests to try to bring extra people. and if you start making exceptions for one family, you’re going to want to make exceptions for others.
i know it’s hard- we limited the kids that were invited to our wedding and we had to explain to lots of guests that we could not accomodate their children, which sometimes resulted in the couple having to miss our wedding. it was disappointing, but i had to stick to my guns and i’m glad i did.
and actually, if i could do it over again i would have a completely child free wedding.
Post # 5
You can either assume that these guests are being rude and displaying “bad behavior” as some call it, or you can assume that they don’t know the subtle ins and outs of the magical envelope codes (not everyone rushes to consult the hive every time they get a wedding invite). It’s up to you to decide if you’ll let this stress you out or annoy you, and how you wish to handle the situation. But I can guarantee you, a lot of people do not know that invites are not automatically extended to the whole family.
Post # 6
I am hoping I don’t end up in this situation, but if I do I will probably let my family members know that we aren’t having children at the wedding (or in your case, maybe phrase it as “little Jimmy wasn’t invited”) but that I’d be happy to help them arrange childcare during the event. Anyone attending with children in my case will live out of the area, so the offer to help arrange childcare may or may not be a good softening technique for you. If they are local that may seem condescending 🙁 Hope that you are able to get this sorted out, and I wouldn’t cave- that could lead to even more headaches later!
Post # 7
YogaFaerie: What they did was rude. And sometimes rudeness requires bluntness in return.
Contact them and say something along the lines of, “sorry, but your children are not invited. If we invited cousins’ children we’d blow the budget. If you can’t attend we understand, but I’m sorry we cannot accomodate your children”.
p.s. (1) I will say though that by inviting kids other than nieces and nephews, you may disappoint some cousins who arrange babysitting and arrive and see a number of kids there. But it’s still your decision and I assume you’ve thought of that; the fact remains they have been very rude by adding people to the invitation.
p.s. (2) I would however make an exception for nursing age infants (under 6-9 months), because they’re hard to babysit, don’t cost you anything to feed, and don’t run around. You can allow infants without setting a precedent for inviting other children.
Post # 8
ts rude. It could be that the parents are from cultures where this is common. In any event, I would call (or if on fiance’s side, he should call) and say politely, I am sorry if there was any confusion (as in guest couldnt read english?), but the invite was only for you and the Mr. We hope to see you there, but if you cannot make it we understand.
PS I dont think anyone should feel they have make an exception for nursing age infants. People who have kids make choices. There are plenty of women who EBF in my office, they express milk at work. Not saying everyone has to or should, but when you have a kid, you accept that it might limit your life.
Even infants can scream their heads off. It is sad that some parents will not take infant and leave the room. Infants also make seating plans more difficult. Some childless people may not want an infant at their table. Even some people with kids may resent they left their kid home.
Post # 9
We tried to avoid this as much as possible when creating our invitations. We knew that certain family/friends would try to get away with inviting extra people or brining their kids.
Do not ignore the situation, make sure you call them and politely let them know you “reserved only x seats” for them. Not everyone will be happy with this, and you can’t accomodate everything. Some people will choose not to attend if they can not bring kids, some people will get angry, and some people will be perfecty fine with it. Set your rules and stick to it and dont cave for people who want to bully their kids or extra guests into your wedding.
If it helps anyone our invitations said:
We have reserved ___ seats in your honor
__ Kindly Accepts ___ Regretfully Declines
__ Number Attending
This way there was NO confusion on how many people were being invited, and no confusion on if they are brining a guest or not (for those that aren’t married and given a +1). We will see how it turns out at the end!
Post # 10
YogaFaerie: I would ring the people and mention to them that only the adults whose names were on the invitations were invited, they are being rude 🙁
Post # 11
Don’t let it slip, this is a life skill everyone needs to learn – how to figure out who is invited and respond properly to an RSVP.
We have two couples who I am absolutely sure are going to do this. I already have my speech prepared. Their children simply can’t be accommodated.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone!<br /><br />I do hope that they would understand the reasoning as to why we have some kids but not their’s. We aren’t against kids, but the line must be drawn somewhere… and I personally thought that drawing the line at first cousins was understandable.<br /><br />FI just said that this couple that did this apparently had a huge Catholic wedding with over 300 guests where entire families were invited. So this may be part of the issue here – that they didn’t understand.<br /><br />I think we will have to talk to them to avoid hurt feelings for our other cousins. I don’t want them to question why so-and-so got to bring their kids but they didn’t when they’re the same “relatedness”. 🙂
Post # 13
YogaFaerie: Of course lines have to be drawn somewhere! And your guests do not determine where those lines are drawn.
I think the most polite way to go about this is to call them and say, “Hi Aunt Millie, it’s YogaFaerie! I hope all is well. We received your RSVP for the wedding but we are unfortunately unable to accommodate little Johnny. The invitation was meant for you and Uncle John. We do hope to see you at the wedding but we understand if you cannot make it!”