(Closed) Why won’t he help?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Hi and welcome to Weddingbee.  There have been many posts on how to involve the fiance, but my first tip would be to lay off the wedding talk altogether for like a week.  Come back to it fresh and start over with some of the helpful tips you’ll find here on Weddingbee!

Hang in there!  It can be frustrating…

Here are a few links to start with:

Confessions of a Groom

How involved is your fiancee in the wedding planning and diys?

not so enthusiastic fiance…and wedding planning

There’s another really good thread with lots of practical advice, but I can’t find it right now…

Post # 4
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I basically made my FI’s guest list for him. I sat him down and asked about family, (who are your aunts, cousins, etc, what are their addresses) neighbors, friends, etc. You can try to do the same thing, show him that just because yours is “done” you’re still working on this… with him. 

Don’t get upset if he’s not concerned about colors. He’s a guy.

Give him direct things to do and impose a deadline. Then let him loose. Figure out if there’s one thing he wants to be in charge of. I know you said you have a DJ, but would he be interested in putting together a playlist? Choosing a menu? Budgeting for anything, if he’s a numbers guy like mine?

Good luck! This is tough for a lot of us in this area. Be sure to keep up your old banter, too, not just wedding talk. I know that’s hard because you’ve been engaged for a while.

Post # 5
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Could you maybe talk to his parents, or maybe a sibling or something to get the list started?  My fiance was clueless about his family and had his mom make the “family” list and then he added his friends/co-workers. 

Like you, I started by working off of my cousin’s guest list and went from there.

 

Post # 6
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m not sure if I have any solutions, but I sympathize with your frustration. I’ve always wondered why it becomes the bride’s job to do everything and why the bride is the one criticized if the guests are peeved or simply dislike something. Don’t send out Save-The-Date Cards only to your family – you’ll catch flack forever for that.

When I was frustrated with my Fiance for seemingly not doing anything, I sat down and talked with him about “our” wedding as “our” project and how could “we” manage it together. There are things that I do better and things that he does better, so we’ve tried to divide up tasks by strength. And I spend every day reminding myself not to ‘helpfully’ remind him to do what he said he would… He typically does get it done though… most of the time…

Post # 7
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My suggestion is to get a list from his mom.  That is what I did.  Once we got her list, we added on anyone else he wanted to invite.  I think it is hard for most guys to take the wedding planning seriously because to them it feels so far off.  I would try sitting him down and explaining to him how important it is to take care of this stuff early so at the end you are not completely stressed! 

Post # 8
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I totally understand where you are coming from.  My fiance offers input when asked, but is certainly not proactive in this planning process.

As for the guestlist, make a draft list based on who you know in his family, give it to him to look at and ask him to add people you missed.  Then, send it to his parents to get addresses (and find out if he missed anyone!).  That way he only has to think of names rather than gathering all the info.  Or, you can just bypass him completely and go straight to the parents, but warn him that it may mean that someone he meant to invite may get left off!  No input…no complaining!

Post # 9
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I can relate.  I know when it can time for him to collect addresses, I had to sit next to him and make sure he did it.  Sometimes men just need someone to hold their hand through the process. 

It is very overwhelming, but eventually, you will (hopefully) reach a point where you realize that no matter what you do, your day will not be perfect, you are marrying a wonderful man, and this is just one day in your life.

Post # 10
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

yeah, get his mom onboard so you can get a guestlist from her! As far as the rest of the planning goes, maybe you could assign him one thing, such as transportation or some other slightly “manly” aspect to be in charge of.  Unfortunately, I don’t think most guys look forward to planning a wedding the way some of us do so there might not be much you can do to get him excited…. But on the plus side, then you never have to worry about compromising on what you want and you can just plan it how you want it! My Fiance really hasn’t been very involved in planning except to nix most of my “less-traditional” ideas…I put him in charge of the band and other than discussing colors and guest list size, most of the planning has been all me…and that’s the way I like it! 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I think Mr. Bee’s blog entry from a few years ago hits the nail on the head.

I had a little meltdown about the wedding a month ago along the lines of “why aren’t you into planning this wedding/do you not want to have this wedding.”  I had to HOUND him for addresses of a few friends.  FI’s response was “I want to get MARRIED” and “I am very excited about the wedding itself, but what part of chasing people down for addresses and RSVP’s and looking at cake styles is really fun for me?” 

I think that a small fraction of grooms are actually really interested in the details, and it just so happen that some of the blogging bees FIs are into it.  Mine?  Not so much.  But that’s ok with me.  He’s made his overall preferences clear, was into picking the venue, the band and the food.  He does like to be presented with a few options on the bigger decisions and weighs in (ie, invitations, music).  He could care less about the favors, but of course will be impressed once it is all done.

Post # 12
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Are you engaged to my fiance?   My fiance has helped with the menu thus far, and nothing else.  I sat him down last week, and asked if he still wanted to get married.  He said yes ofcourse, then I told him when you do not help or don’t act at all interested in the wedding- your actions say you do not want to get married. Actions speak louder than words!

I have pretty much completed the entire wedding by myself with the help of my destination wedding planner. All the decisions from colors, photographer, venue, has all been mine. This is my wedding in every sense of the word. You are not alone! I have now conducted a small list of things from Fiance with one month deadlines for each. I have threatened him with a Kelly Clarkson play list if he does not help me with music.

With the guestlist, I would ask his family/mom for help with the family members. Your “save the dates” can go out soon, so then I would show him the list of your people and his family- and then ask him to add his friends. Or add some of his friends, and then watch he will be like oh wait I need to invite so and so.

You are so not alone. Just men have not been thinking about their wedding since they were little like we were. Recruit your friends, bridesmaids, and family to help you sort out your decisions.  Ofcourse you have the bees too!  It has helped me so much to talk to other brides and people who feel as excited as I do

Post # 13
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Wow, I am glad my fiance is not this high-maintenence! You know, men like to joke about women being high-maintenence, but I don’t think you can get any harder to maintain when you have to have your fiance interview you in order to get a guestlist out of you!! Holy Carp!

Be that as it may, I think you are just gonna have to chalk it up to him not being a detail-oriented person, and find someone else to bounce your ideas off of. Is your mom or you Maid/Matron of Honor on the same page as you about the wedding you want? The more you try to get him to do things he is obviously not interested in the more frustrated you’ll get, and that just won’t work for anyone!

Post # 15
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Can you ask his mother for his list? For some reason, a lot of men just aren’t that interested in their weddings, but his mom probably will be. Maybe you can give him discrete tasks to help with (mine just planned our honeymoon and told me that he is really looking forward to making the seating chart, of all things, but he has been completely uninterested in anything else for the last… 11 months we’ve been engaged. 😉 and he might be better about it. Your wedding is still pretty far away (although I know it doesn’t feel like it to you!) and he probably just doesn’t see the urgency yet. And it’s always possible that getting him to care about colors or paper is just never going to happen… maybe you should bounce those ideas off of your Maid/Matron of Honor or someone like that.

Post # 16
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

I too suggest getting his family involved! Mr. Peng’s parents were very helpful at helping him put together his list. As a major procrastinator myself, I know that sometimes I just put off boring tasks until I’m absolutely under the gun. Collecting addresses is not fun, although totally necessary. Getting all the family members on board may send a message to him that this all needs to be done ASAP!

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