Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are both 25, have been together for 4 1/2 years, have been living together for over 3 years and talk about our future together almost daily. We rescued our first dog a little over a year ago and love her very much! I am sure that we will be married one day, I just don’t understand what is taking so long. A little over 6 months ago I found a large sum of money (approx. $1,000) and he told me it was for my engagement ring. He moved his “stash” but I found it again and became crazy about counting it and seeing the progress. It doubled around Christmastime last year and I was SURE he was going to propose during the holidays….but they came and went and NOTHING. Fortunately, he has since moved his “stash” so I’m not as neurotic about it, but I still wonder what could be taking so long. Every few months, usually after too many cocktails, I put a lot of pressure on him to just “do it already.” It’s hard for me to see all of my friends getting engaged, planning weddings, having children, buying their first houses, etc. all while I just WAIT. I feel like I’ve been patient and I just can’t take it anymore. Even thought I KNOW he is planning on proposing, I am still tempted to give him an ultimatum. I am ready to move on with my life, and while I want him to be the person I take that next step with, if it takes much longer I just don’t think I can wait. Does this make me a horrible person? Why am I in such a rush?
Post # 3
Mr. Bee wrote a post on this subject a while ago…I think it’s stickied, and you might want to check it out. Honestly, I think most of the responses you’ll get will say that you’re pressuring him more than you think you are, and he’s not ready. The money is most likely not the deciding factor, and the behavior you described (finding his stash and becoming obsessed) might be a turn-off. I’d be pretty upset about that.
Post # 4
You are not a horrible person to me, OP, because I’m in almost the same boat! Been together almost 5 tears, same amount of time living together, things are great between us and we talk about the future… But still, I’m waiting! We do have a REASON to be waiting (my sister’s wedding next month – don’t wanna steal her thunder!) but dear God does it ever drag out. And even after that, I have no idea how much longer I’ll be waiting!
I wish I could offer you some advice, but I guess all I can say is a strong “I hear ya!”. At least you know that he is saving – That’s a big deal! Do you think he knows how frustrated you’re feeling?
Post # 5
No one here can answer this for you. I suggest you talk with him about it.
Post # 6
Don’t give an ultimatum.
If you want to leave, do it, but don’t try to extort a proposal from him by saying ‘I will leave if you don’t propose’.
Maybe he’s saving for a very expensive ring, or a special occassion? Maybe he just doesn’t feel ready to propose yet. Have you asked what the hold up is?
Post # 7
Post # 8
I’ve been on the bee for a little over a year, and these seem to be the reasons a guy hasn’t proposed yet:
- He’s set an arbitrary goal for himself (a ring budget, career change, etc.) that he’s trying to check off first.
- He’s waiting for a special trip or anniversary to propose.
- He doesn’t think you’re chomping at the bit so he’s biding his time to save up more for a ring or wedding.
- He isn’t ready yet.
- He flat out isn’t planning on marrying you.
I’m not saying he’s doing any of those things, but if I had to take a guess he probably falls into category #1. I would sit him down and just ask for a timeline of when he expects things to happen by and see where that conversation leads.
Post # 9
I was hung up on this for ages…so then I decided to push it from my mind, not mention it to him, etc…it felt really good for me in a way and he eventually after several months mention something about getting married and instead of jumping on it I kinda laughed and said ‘yeah, right, if you ever asked me to marry you maybe we could do that, haha…then a few more months went by and I still was really good and didnt really think about it….then when it was my birthday he said to me ‘well, I went to look for a ring but I couldnt chose so you should look for something!’….well I tell you I jumped right on it and found a ring within a couple days (had previously been looking for ever so knew I wanted something in particular or different etc)…I told everyone one and did Save The Dates within the first week! lol…so I would say that someone who is always wanting it to happen appears more desperate and clingy…but someone who is not talking about it and being all confident and strong etc is more likely to get her man to ask…I will also add that a 25yr old man may not be as ready as a 25 year old girl…good luck!!
Post # 10
No one can tell you why.
My only advice is, if you want to get married for the right reasons, don’t give an ultimatum. No one should be given an ultimatum unless it would save someone’s life.
Post # 11
thank you for all of your input, bees!
Post # 12
I was not a terribly good waiting bee… Actually I got fed up with waiting and proposed to him. Its not the right move for everyone but it was for me. That said when we reflect upon the waiting period. He thought I was a lot more psycho than I thought I was. I brought it up once every 4 to 6 weeks and thought I handled it pretty well considering how much not knowing was bothering me. He thought I’d lost it and is still in disbelief (6 months later) that all the break downs stopped the day we got engaged. I’m willing to bet you are stressing him out. Its his own fault of course. But if you are really going to wait it out… shut up about it because he knows.
P.S. I wasn’t going to give an ultimatum and then time to think it over. Marriage was something I wanted so I gave him the option to step up or get the hell out of my way. When I made the decision to propose I knew that I was basically giving him an immediate ultimatum but I also knew if he proposed before I did it would have been an ultimatum too.
Post # 13
@lsweetparker: To save your sanity, set an internal “walk-date”. Dont tell him, just make it with yourself. Think of a date that after that, if you suddenly find out he doesnt want to get married, you will feel like a fool. I think at 25, you still have a few years. Your brains have just kinda settled into adulthood. Give him another year or two (and be quiet!) . If he doesnt propose by then..bye, bye.
Post # 14
As prior posters have noted, none of us really knows what is or is not motivating your SO regarding his lack of a proposal.
However, I believe that, sometimes, when couples live together, one person in the relationship isn’t really as ready to be married as the other, and the more hesitant person sometimes becomes quite content with the status quo of living together without the formal, legal commitment of marriage.
Post # 15
What’s funny is, one day you’ll look back and laugh at how anxious you were while waiting, and be glad that you did.
Try not to focus so much on the idea of getting a proposal soon. If it helps, start looking at venues and different wedding stuff to keep your mind off of pressuring him and what he’s up to as far as proposing to you.
A proposal is a very special event. Its something that a man will do on HIS time when HE is ready. I can understand that you want to be married or even engaged, but being anxious and pressuring him isn’t going to move it along any faster.
Take time to appreciate him while you two are still just together. And understand that, being just together without the kids and while not married is your foundation. This is your time to be getting to know him and absorb as much enjoyment as possible out of your dating life before you get to the married part.
Best of luck.
Post # 16
I was in this situation, had been with my FH for 4.5 years and was thinking that maybe he was never going to ask – but as Batwoman said – he was waiting to have an overseas posting (military) and how it would affect us, before asking. When we met up for the halfway break he asked me, because we had handled the time apart without either of us stressing too much.
I think if you take a step back from the engagement worries he’ll ask, he may have set a date or event or career point so that he feels secure enough for marriage – it’s such a huge commitment!
And if he keeps saving you’ll get an amazing ring 🙂