(Closed) Why won't he propose?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Mr. Bee wrote a post on this subject a while ago…I think it’s stickied, and you might want to check it out. Honestly, I think most of the responses you’ll get will say that you’re pressuring him more than you think you are, and he’s not ready. The money is most likely not the deciding factor, and the behavior you described (finding his stash and becoming obsessed) might be a turn-off. I’d be pretty upset about that.

Post # 4
Member
41 posts
Newbee

You are not a horrible person to me, OP, because I’m in almost the same boat! Been together almost 5 tears, same amount of time living together, things are great between us and we talk about the future… But still, I’m waiting! We do have a REASON to be waiting (my sister’s wedding next month – don’t wanna steal her thunder!) but dear God does it ever drag out. And even after that, I have no idea how much longer I’ll be waiting! 

 

I wish I could offer you some advice, but I guess all I can say is a strong “I hear ya!”. At least you know that he is saving – That’s a big deal! Do you think he knows how frustrated you’re feeling?

Post # 5
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

No one here can answer this for you. I suggest you talk with him about it.

Post # 6
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Don’t give an ultimatum.

If you want to leave, do it, but don’t try to extort a proposal from him by saying ‘I will leave if you don’t propose’.

Maybe he’s saving for a very expensive ring, or a special occassion? Maybe he just doesn’t feel ready to propose yet. Have you asked what the hold up is?

Post # 8
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been on the bee for a little over a year, and these seem to be the reasons a guy hasn’t proposed yet:

  1. He’s set an arbitrary goal for himself (a ring budget, career change, etc.) that he’s trying to check off first.
  2. He’s waiting for a special trip or anniversary to propose.
  3. He doesn’t think you’re chomping at the bit so he’s biding his time to save up more for a ring or wedding.
  4. He isn’t ready yet.
  5. He flat out isn’t planning on marrying you.

I’m not saying he’s doing any of those things, but if I had to take a guess he probably falls into category #1. I would sit him down and just ask for a timeline of when he expects things to happen by and see where that conversation leads. 

Post # 9
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I was hung up on this for ages…so then I decided to push it from my mind, not mention it to him, etc…it felt really good for me in a way and he eventually after several months mention something about getting married and instead of jumping on it I kinda laughed and said ‘yeah, right, if you ever asked me to marry you maybe we could do that, haha…then a few more months went by and I still was really good and didnt really think about it….then when it was my birthday he said to me ‘well, I went to look for a ring but I couldnt chose so you should look for something!’….well I tell you I jumped right on it and found a ring within a couple days (had previously been looking for ever so knew I wanted something in particular or different etc)…I told everyone one and did Save The Dates within the first week! lol…so I would say that someone who is always wanting it to happen appears more desperate and clingy…but someone who is not talking about it and being all confident and strong etc is more likely to get her man to ask…I will also add that a 25yr old man may not be as ready as a 25 year old girl…good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
9118 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

No one can tell you why.

My only advice is, if you want to get married for the right reasons, don’t give an ultimatum. No one should be given an ultimatum unless it would save someone’s life.

Post # 12
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was not a terribly good waiting bee… Actually I got fed up with waiting and proposed to him. Its not the right move for everyone but it was for me. That said when we reflect upon the waiting period. He thought I was a lot more psycho than I thought I was. I brought it up once every 4 to 6 weeks and thought I handled it pretty well considering how much not knowing was bothering me. He thought I’d lost it and is still in disbelief (6 months later) that all the break downs stopped the day we got engaged. I’m willing to bet you are stressing him out. Its his own fault of course. But if you are really going to wait it out… shut up about it because he knows.

 

P.S. I wasn’t going to give an ultimatum and then time to think it over. Marriage was something I wanted so I gave him the option to step up or get the hell out of my way. When I made the decision to propose I knew that I was basically giving him an immediate ultimatum but I also knew if he proposed before I did it would have been an ultimatum too.

Post # 13
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@lsweetparker:  To save your sanity, set an internal “walk-date”. Dont tell him, just make it with yourself. Think of a date that after that, if you suddenly find out he doesnt want to get married, you will feel like a fool. I think at 25, you still have a few years. Your brains have just kinda settled into adulthood. Give him another year or two (and be quiet!) . If he doesnt propose by then..bye, bye.

Post # 14
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

As prior posters have noted, none of us really knows what is or is not motivating your SO regarding his lack of a proposal.

However, I believe that, sometimes, when couples live together, one person in the relationship isn’t really as ready to be married as the other, and the more hesitant person sometimes becomes quite content with the status quo of living together without the formal, legal commitment of marriage.

Post # 15
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

What’s funny is, one day you’ll look back and laugh at how anxious you were while waiting, and be glad that you did.

Try not to focus so much on the idea of getting a proposal soon. If it helps, start looking at venues and different wedding stuff to keep your mind off of pressuring him and what he’s up to as far as proposing to you.

A proposal is a very special event. Its something that a man will do on HIS time when HE is ready. I can understand that you want to be married or even engaged, but being anxious and pressuring him isn’t going to move it along any faster.

Take time to appreciate him while you two are still just together. And understand that, being just together without the kids and while not married is your foundation. This is your time to be getting to know him and absorb as much enjoyment as possible out of your dating life before you get to the married part.

Best of luck. 

Post # 16
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was in this situation, had been with my FH for 4.5 years and was thinking that maybe he was never going to ask – but as Batwoman said – he was waiting to have an overseas posting (military) and how it would affect us, before asking.  When we met up for the halfway break he asked me, because we had handled the time apart without either of us stressing too much. 

I think if you take a step back from the engagement worries he’ll ask, he may have set a date or event or career point so that he feels secure enough for marriage – it’s such a huge commitment!

And if he keeps saving you’ll get an amazing ring 🙂

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