Post # 1
So im having a conversation with a friend in a different part of mexico over msn. and after being loved up with her boyfriend, hes now asked her to stop going out without him and to spend all her time only with him and shes saying “he seems to want to control my whole life. why would a man want to be so controlling”
for me its redflag ahoy. at the moment im just listening as i dont want to jump in with advice as i dont really know whats going on (we’re not that far into the conversation)
the main things are lying -he said he had a one night stand that produced a baby, which turned out to in gact be a long term relationship. which made her angry/jealous and they had a fight.the controlling behaviour etc. shes had aggressive letters from the mother of the ex
she doesnt have much experience with relationships and im trying to tread lightly. but i dont think control is ever a good sign and is generally something that escalates?
how do you know what to say? is controlling behaviour ever NOT a terrible sign? and is lying about things ever NOT a terrible sign?
Post # 3
Post # 4
I would say that he sounds like a Turd. I am pretty honest with my friends…..
Post # 5
I just read it and I like it, Very good warning sings.
It is really hard to keep out of a relationship, especially when you care about her and she is confiding in you. Sometimes what I will say is “If I was saying this exact same thing to you, what advice would you give me?”
Post # 6
Yeah that sounds pretty bad, but it’s so hard to get people in crappy situations to wake up to it… most of the time they just get pissed off and ignore you until it becomes too much and they finally leave, and that’s a BEST case. I’ve had that happen with a close friend before and it pretty much ended the friendship. :-/ I don’t regret it, because I would never let someone I care about be in such a situation without saying anything, I just wish it had gone better.
Post # 7
I guess the problem with that kind of behavior is that some women see controlling as a sign they are loved–he wouldn’t tell me not to go out with my friends if he didn’t care about me. That’s especially true with women who don’t have a lot of relationship experience and so don’t know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
That article the PP linked to is very good. She may take offence and swear up and down he’s not an “abuser”, but you’ve planted the seed in her head. Let her know that you are concerned and that his behavior doesn’t seen normal or healthy.
Ultimately, she is going to have to decide for herself when she’s had enough. The best you can do is offer encouragement and support.
Post # 8
yes, i have gently pointed out none of it seems right. i didnt want to overtly say he sounds like a nightmare in case she doesnt leave him and then i get cut out of her life. i think the softly softly approach works better in this case. otherwise theres a risk of “i love him, you dont understand, i dont want to speak to you anymore”. and i dont think being isolated from anyone she confides in is a good things =S
that is a very good article actually, i think ill raise it with her
Post # 9
I was in an abusive relationship in the past and controlling and lying were the beginning. I am not saying that your friends relationship will go this way, but you’re right, the controlling behavior and the lying are not good. But, because I spent some time in an abusive relationship, I can tell you that most people won’t listen to other people telling them to get out. I didn’t. All you can do is be there for your friend and offer her support if she does decide to get out.
Post # 10
@newname_99: red flag, red FLAG, RED FLAG! Please ask her to get out of that relationship before she gets hurt physically/emotionally. I know you can only say so much to a friend, but if you want what’s best for her, just grab her and bodily snatch her away from that man. He will consume her and spit her out with no remorse. I know it, I’ve been there and I still bear the scars.