(Closed) Why Would Anyone WANT to be a Bridesmaid? Why are you hurt if you're not asked?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I guess it would depend on the situation and the who the bride is in relation to you. 

For example:  

My best friend since high school asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor.  I loved being her Maid/Matron of Honor, and if she hadn’t of asked me to at least be a bridesmaid, it would have hurt my feelings. Now, if she had had a wedding with no bridal party, then I would have understood, but to pick 4 other women over me, her best friend, yeah, that would have hurt. 

On the other hand, my SIL recently asked me to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding.  I am excited and honored that she asked me to stand up with her on her wedding day, BUT if she didn’t ask me, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings any because even though we are somewhat close, I would have understood if she chose to just have her sister and other close friends that she’s known for way longer than me. 

Post # 17
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can definitely see people being hurt if, say, their closest group of girlfriends is like the Sex and the City ladies.  What if one wasn’t asked and the other two were?  In a situation like that, it’d be easy to think that they were being left out in a very blatant declaration of “relationship closeness” hierarchy.    

If the friendship circle were not quite so clear-cut then I agree there’s nothing to lose sleep over.

Post # 18
6626 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

palebluepetals :  I think it’s all in your friends and individual personality. I’ve only been a bridesmaid once and my best friend would never have behaved as some of the brides here do. It wasn’t prohibitively expensive, she didn’t have obnoxious demands. Also I’m capable of saying “no” and comfortable enough to set her straight if necessary.

these days we have access to everyone’s weddings, ideas, expectations and a lot of people get carried away with a vision of the day. They forget to be realistic, they don’t notice when spending someone else’s money as they might with their own. They see other people getting amazing gifts, parties, etc and may be insecure if they don’t have it.  But as long as a bride, friend, whoever can remember that’s not reality and not let that impact their behavior, there is no reason being a bridesmaid would suck.

I’d be hurt if my bestie hadn’t asked me because it was such a huge change in her life. I wanted to share it. Not asking would show me that our friendship had changed significantly without me realizing and that would hurt.  If she hadn’t wanted to be mine for no clear reason, that would have pained me too, same reason. I have never understood, though, near strangers, in-laws and the like getting bent out of shape to not be included in the party.

Post # 19
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

being a bridesmaid the first time was awesome! But I was Maid/Matron of Honor, the bride’s family paid for my dress hair and makeup, and it was the first time anyone in our circle got married

read: rose coloured glasses

by the time i was done Bridesmaid or Best Man duties 2 and 3, with expenses mounting, being asked to take time off work to go to fittings and bridal shows (wtf!) wishy washy brides, people bailing on bachelorettes and having to take on expenses, doing way to many arts and crafts and generally feeling like a walking wallet… I’m over it.

Every time one of my friends gets married and doesn’t pick me to be in their bridal party, I celebrate. 

Post # 20
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Because everyone wants to believe they are the favourite, the best friend, the one to whom everyone goes to, the most popular.

Not getting picked means they aren’t those, and they look at is a kick in the face.

I’m on your side in general though. Most brides (*cough* zillas *cough*) are so difficult to be with, I wouldn’t hesitate to decline or be happy not to be chosen. There are a few that are laid back and kind, and those are the ones I am happy to stand with 🙂

Post # 21
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’ve been Maid/Matron of Honor 4x–when anyone in the group marries I’m always the Maid/Matron of Honor.  I’m actually happy they’re almost all married and the last in our group isn’t my closest friend so I’m guessing I’ll be a Maid/Matron of Honor one more time (my gay BFF) and that’s it.  

I have been a bridesmaid maybe 10x, I lost count since college.  I don’t have financial problems with it–having paid as low as $500 (inclusive of bachelorette and bridal shower), and as high as $5k (destination wedding in Indonesia).  But I have a time problem.  With my work schedule, it’s hard for me to partake in many DIY weekends and have been committed only to planning and paying for the bridal showers and bachelorette party, as well as the wedding. 

Honestly I enjoy being a bridesmaid/MOH but I’m getting old lol I would love being more so a guest.  As much as I enjoy all that, I would be more than honored just to be invited as a guest!

Post # 22
205 posts
Helper bee

I do not have bridesmaids. My closest friends are still helping me and throwing the parties. I am not obligating them to do anything, but of course my good friends all volunteered. I am able to ask other friends for help when convenient. Anyone that is helping is still getting a gift from me and is invited to the rehearsal dinner. We are having a small wedding  (only 40 at ceremony), so I figured getting invited to the wedding is about the same as being a bridesmaid without all of the “you have to do this for me” crap.

Post # 23
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’ve enjoyed the times I’ve been a bridesmaid. I enjoy helping and supporting. You have to keep in mind there’s some selection bias with the horror stories you’re reading here about crazy, demanding brides. There are many who are just fine. Every friend/relative whose wedding I’ve been in has been lovely, and it’s been an honor to be asked to stand up for them.

I think it is an entirely normal, human thing to want to know you’re as important to your friends and they are to you. I’m sure that’s why people get hurt when they’re not asked.

Post # 25
3578 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

palebluepetals :  Girl, we’re on the same page! Being a Maid/Matron of Honor in my best friend’s wedding was more stressful than being the bride in my own wedding. Granted, we had entirely different kinds of weddings and circumstances, but if I’m never asked to be in a wedding again, I’ll be just fine! Another good friend of mine (15 year friendship) just got engaged and is planning, and I’m really hoping to just be invited as a guest so that I can enjoy the wedding by my husband’s side. 

Post # 26
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ve been a groomsmaid, and that was a blast. My friend who got married is super-chill and didn’t have a ton of requirements for me. Plus, I was on the other side of the country so there wasn’t a ton for me to do!

Like being invited to the wedding, people see being asked to be in the wedding party a status symbol of some sort, or validation of the friendship. The funny thing is sometimes it’s not even about that. 

Post # 27
401 posts
Helper bee

It hurt my feelings a little that my SIL (DH’s sister) didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. I think it comes from wanting to share in the excitement and happiness and getting to share the memories with her. I know she’s super happy to be marrying her Fiance and I love weddings and helping with them. But I know she has friends she is a lot closer to and really I’m just her brother’s wife so I get it.

Now if my best friend got married and chose someone else I would be incredibly hurt. We are super close and I would never have gotten married without her there with me (we eloped and so we picked a date specifically so she could come). If she chose to have no bridal party I would understand and I would still do special things for her and help her unofficially, but if she just chose someone else it would be really hurtful. I would feel almost like I would if Darling Husband cheated. 

I think it depends a lot on the situation and the relationship. If you’re incredibly close with someone and they choose someone else over you I think it would feel like a betrayal and would make you question if you really were that close, especially if you weren’t expecting it. 

Post # 28
227 posts
Helper bee

I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for the first time last year, for my best friend. I would have been really upset if she hadn’t asked me, it would have felt like our friendship had changed. I loved every minute of it, I’m a planner by trade so I loved being able to help her, and put my skills to good use. 

My sister told me that it would be awful (she was Bridesmaid or Best Man for a friend and hated it!) but my best friend was awesome, and not bridezilla in the slightest. It was a great experience and after I’d moved away and we’d struggled with staying in touch was a good opportunity for us to bond again. 

I’m hoping she enjoys being my Maid/Matron of Honor as much! 

Post # 29
3448 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man once and while my friend was awesome the entire time and made no crazy demands of any sort, I’d never agree to be a bridesmaid again unless it was for one of my sisters. It wasn’t a bad experience, but I just don’t want to do it again.

As a result I’m not having bridesmaids for my wedding. Some family/friends were surprised, but I don’t think anyone was hurt by it.

Post # 30
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think I would initially be hurt and confused if my sister didn’t pick me to be in her bridal party but I would then just be soooo happy I would be free to take photos all day long of her day and I would just listen and accept her wishes and I think I would be able to understand her reasoning whatever she decided to do, even if she eloped and I couldn’t even be there. She’s my sister every day of the year for all of our lives and her wedding day (should she have one) will not change anything, I love her. 

When it comes to literally anybody else in my life, including my own bridesmaids, it would be an honour to stand up with them too, but I’m not counting on it or anticipate any hurt if they don’t pick me. How they personalise their wedding day is up to them! 

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