(Closed) Why would FI say that?? =( (sorry if its long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

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@graygodess20:  Honestly after hearing a little more of the backstory, it sounds like he said those comments to you out of his own insecurities linked to his personal weight gain. It seems like he is frustrated with himself and taking it out on you.

Post # 33
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

The latter part of his comment is bullshit.

However, I am wondering since you admit the jealousy portion – did you ever mention that it was because of looks?  Like you vs her in that department specifically?

It seems weird that a guy would bring that up out of nowhere & maybe he just thought that’s what you were alluding to.

Post # 34
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@graygodess20:  

Ok, there is no point in saying you should not compare yourself to her. Cause you will (admit it, lol♥)

But like PP I looked at your avatar pic and darling you are extremely pretty.

I am 5′ 4″ and curvy too and a bit wide in the hips and chest (diff. from FI’s exes) and yes you have your up days and down but where I am from if you look like that, and you’re curvy- hell you are a gem. AND I think you are a gem.

If you do have to compare, compare you’re God given beauty and HEART (YOU SEEM SO GENUINE) and what you have over her, the Fiance . Regardless of what men can be insensitive at times (we can all admit to knowing that).

I say go to that wedding and ROCK UR CURVES. Make us BEES PROUD. ♥ (pSSTT…PM me after the wedding and admit you ROCKED IT)

Post # 35
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“you knew about the wedding and that she could be there, but yet you never wanna workout or do anything about how you look-

Okay… so this comment, while completely unfair and uncalled for, I can understand in an argument, in the heat of the moment. Especially if you often talk about wishing you could lose weight/need to work out more. I talk about wanting/needing to work out/diet all the time, and sometime my Fiance gets frustrated and says stuff like, “are you ACTUALLY going to work out, or just talk about it?” Because he is a guy, and for him the results come fast as soon as he start putting forth a little effort. For us women, it takes longer, and there is a lot more frustration, that most guys don’t understand.

Also, I can see that if you FI  was irritated/angry that you still can’t stop being jealous/insecure about his ex after 5 years of dating, then he might let his temper get the best of him and say that.

But this:

Yeah it would of been nice going into it and being able to show off/ brag about about what i now have

Is a COMPLETELY messed up thing to say to your SO! Even if you were complaining that you want to be sexy arm candy, or were trying to fish for him to reassure you that you are sexier than her in every way. I know that type of fishing/pressure to “say the right thing” from other women makes me angry.

What did he say after this? If it was something like, “but I don’t care that much, or that is not what is important to me”, that would have softened the blow, but it was still a very hurtful thing to say.

Post # 36
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I was your size before and my Fiance loved it- there are many dresses out there to flatter your attributes and help you feel sexier than you already are. I don’t think your Fiance meant anything by it and he is marrying you because he loves you. Don’t be down about her— she was 5 years ago…. the past needs to stay in the past.

Post # 37
Member
15016 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While I think it’s a totally shitty thing to say, I dont think it necessarily means that he’s been lying to you or doesnt love you just the way you are.  He can love you and think you’re gorgeous, but at the same time see that the general public may not see you as fitting the show off super model size 0 standards… which may be what he meant about showing you off. 

Post # 38
Member
6039 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

what the what?!

Ok coming from someone who just dealt with something similar (but worse I think) I would really figure out where that comment came from. I would also make it known how damaging him saying that was to your feelings. What a douche nugget!!! guys really can be ridiculous at times. BAsed on what I can see, you are gorgeous and he’s lucky to have you my dear!

Post # 40
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@graygodess20:    Big hug!! 

I think you totally should get a new pair of shoes on his credit card after that lunk-headed remark.  Sometimes guys can be so stupid!!

You are gorgeous and it was just a dumb fight.  Hate those!

Be scintillatingly beautiful and sexy on the day of that wedding, and flirt with someone outrageously just to get back at him.  LOL.  Just kidding!  A little.  Wink

And next time he makes a crack about your weight, reach over and pat his fat tummy.

Post # 41
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You are so beautiful in your profile picture, and you deserve someone who will make you feel as beautiful as you are!

Post # 42
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

@graygodess20:  Are. You. Bloody. KIDDING ME?! 
Lady, you are hot hot hot hot hot. Curves are beautiful, you have wonderful facial features… Whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight (I know how you feel, I hate the way I feel now, and am dieting/exercising), you really are bloody beautiful and have not a single thing to change….  He should be showing you off now!

Post # 43
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You what?! Is he CRAZY? How DARE he say such a thing to you?!

Does he frequently make comments like this, or is just a one off? I’d be weary of someone who makes comments like this about your appearance. It will leave you vulnerable and insecure and you do not need someone like that in your life!

 

Maybe point out that his ex might be welcome to him if he’s such a charming gentleman?! 

Post # 44
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@graygodess20:  First I would like to preface what I am going to say by stating that what he said was absolutely horrible, and he should never have put you down like that. Totally, horrible. 

After reading the Bees and your other responses I was reminded of some issues between my Fiance and I which are similar to this situation that I thought I would share. This is by no means excusing what he said. Just a different perspective. 

So after dating for 3 years, I had managed to gain 20lbs without noticing, and really without it affecting our relationship. He was always saying how great I looked, and I felt great… until I couldn’t fit into my clothes. Then I started getting really upset, and moody about it, constantly seeking validation from him. One day I bought some new work clothes, and he put them in the dryer while doing the laundry. A few new shirts shrank and I freaked because I didn’t have the money to get more that fit, and I was too big to comfortably where the ones I already had. This was the last straw and I lost it on him. I projected all my negative feelings about myself on him and blamed him for ruining my clothes when the real issue was that I was made that I had let myself go without noticing. After apologizing profusely about the clothes, he said to me “you can do something about it if you aren’t happy you know”. I was not in the right frame of mind to hear it, and just got even more upset with him. 

He stopped commenting on how good I looked, and I was convinced he was interested in other girls… this continued, until he came home from work one day and gave me a gift certificate to a women’s boot camp that he had won at a work contest. Since he won it but couldn’t use it, I didn’t take offense and was genuinely happy that someone had given me another option to make myself happier in my body. So I did the bootcamp. On day 1  we did an assessment, and I was shocked at how much weight I had gained. My Body Fat percentage was up the highest I have ever seen it. I remember calling him crying because of how bad my assessment went. BUT, I completed the bootcamp, and signed up for another. And that started me on a new path. 

I was so mad at him, but really I was mad at myself. Yes, what your Fiance said was rediculously callous, and yes he should love you for who you are. In addition to this, you are probably not feeling optimal about yourself and may be projecting this at him. Maybe it was his last straw and that is why he said it (though it was the wrong thing for him to do). Take it as an opportunity to tell him how hurtful he was, and make a plan for both of you to get back to your optimal weight so you both feel better. This will help you both to stop projecting your frustrations on each other as well. 

I’m sorry if this wasn’t helpful. I just wanted to share in case you could relate. 

Post # 46
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Soooo I never usually do this, but I’m about to play devil’s advocate because I could see DH saying something like this, but not to hurt my feelings.

For example, I’m obsessed with my weight! I always tell him I need to lose weight, I’m on a diet, I’m getting b-12 shots, blah blah blah. Like I completely pester his life with my new ideas and plans to lose weight. He absolutely loves my body and just wants to support me if thats what I want. But there are times when I down myself to no end and he gets so frustrated that he just tells me “if you dont like it change it!!”. He knows its easier said than done but maybe your SO just got fed up with your body insecurities and just kind of snapped. I dont think u should be mad or upset at him but see where he’s coming from. I know when my babe complains about something and doesnt make any actions to fix it, I get annoyed so maybe it’s the same with your Fiance. I read that you gained weight because you were on meds and stuff so it’s not really within your control. But if I were you I’d stop putting myself down in front of him. He tells you that he loves you the way you are so believe him! Act sexy, confident, and own it! You walk into that wedding with your head held high, and if you feel good on the inside it will permeate all over. Dance, work the room and have a good time and I’m sure your SO will be fawning all over you and telling you how GLAD he is to have you on his arm!!

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