(Closed) Why would FI say that?? =( (sorry if its long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@graygodess20:  OP, first off, you are very beautiful, and I really do not see why any guy would not be estatic to have you on his arm at a wedding.

But… you are not something to show off, you are his SO! You are worth so much more than just being a beautiful girlfriend for others to admire when you are out together. You share your life with him. Please don’t hurt your body and soul by trying to crash diet and hating your body.

Perhaps, (and I don’t know him, so take this with a grain of salt) your SO is frustrated that you are so focused on your body and how much you weigh. Were you asking him things like “do you wish I was thinner, so you could show me off in front of her?” If so, that is probably why he lashed out at you, because he felt backed into a corner, and he finally just said what he was thinking, because he did not see how to get out of the conversation with you actually being happy.

I know my Fiance wants me to lose weight because it would make ME happier, and it’s a goal of mine. If I was happy at this weight, he would be happy with it as well. He still tells me I’m beautiful now, but he also does not lie and tell me I couldn’t stand to lose a few pounds.

I think this is a guy thing, that women just DO NOT get: you can still be smokin’ hot and gorgeous AND stand to lose a few pounds or tone up. Does that make sense? A lot of guys don’t see the point in not admitting that, when a girl asks if them if she should try to lose some weight.

Five years is a very long time to still worry about his ex. What is it about her that make you so jealous? Did she chase him after the breakup? Was she mean to you and insulted you? Girl, he is with YOU, not her… who cares what she thinks or says!

Talk to him and let him know what he said was hurtful, but be prepared to see his side, too.

Post # 48
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

I would be so pissed at a comment like that that I’m not sure I’d find a way to stick it out.  I’m not saying you should leave him but this was a really, really stupid comment to make.  Don’t you dare for one second take any of it to heart and do something to change yourself – that’s bullshit and completely backwards.  He needs to apologize profusely or he can be alone.

Post # 49
Member
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

wow, i can’t believe he said that.  well, don’t worry.  you look beautiful in your avatar.  i understand completely where you are coming from.  i am definitely not at my ideal weight anymore but what i do know is that i have a good heart and i am a good person.  beauty really is skin deep. 

my dh has a cousin who is obese.  she really is.  when i first met her, she had this incredible glowing smile on her face that lit up the room.  she is the nicest and sweetest girl i have ever met and to be honest, i never really even noticed her weight. 

be positive, be confident and be yourself.

Post # 50
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sure he was doing this as a guy thing. Guys blurt stuff out and don’t think about it.

 

With that said? Screw him. If he wasn’t attracted to you he wouldn’t be with you and he is SO out of line with that statement that the line is in the next zip code. He needs to apologize for what he said. 

 

Please note that I am the most rational woman out there. When my Fiance says something hurtful I stop him and ask if that was how he meant it to come out. I listen to what he is trying to say and don’t look for double meaning. So when I say he was out of line, HE WAS OUT OF LINE!

Post # 52
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

1) don’t invite the ex

2) your fiance should not be talking to you like that…

Post # 53
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Waitaminute. He:

1. Complained about the way you look

2. Tried to use the threat of an ex as leverage

3. Suggested that the wedding is about bragging to his ex about his ‘score’? And that somehow you should be COMPLICIT in that?!

I’m all into “guys say stupid things,” but honey, say what?! Darling, he’s a bullying you. That is not ok.

To me, this is red flag territory. No man should ever bully the woman he loves, for any reason. I don’t care if he’s gained weight and this is lashing out because of his own insecurity and blah blah blah–grow a pair and go to the gym if you’re so insecure, buddy. As far as YOU are concerned, OP, I’m not going to tell you you’re beautiful and he’s crazy and all that because it doesn’t matter what I say, it only matters what you think.

But I will tell you that if he acts this way when you are a BRIDE, then I’d be worried about how he’s going to be when you’re 8mos preggers as I am right now and sporting all kinds of fabulosity. Better shape up, mister!

Post # 54
Member
4173 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

WHOA!  First realize that this whole thing was not even remotely about you, seriously, it isn’t….my husband and I got it over with and got REALLY fat after we got married…it was AWESOME cause we’re both foodies, but before that he was my hulking barbarian with bicepts like bowling balls and I was his wild amazon with a thrity inch waist…time marched on, and one night, when I’m asking him something kind of inane about a formal affair we have to attend, I ask him what he’s wearing, if he needs something taken to the cleaners, he freaks out on me, …I don’t back down, keep chasing him around verbally trying to figure it out and he blurts out, “Cuz I’m FAT!! OK?”  *BELL*  round ender…so we both decided it was time to get back to being healthy, not skinny, not all buff and muscley…just cut out the junk we were eating and focus on being strong, cause strong, is sexy….we cook together, work out seperatly, that’s MY time and support each other on those mornings when 5 am is WAY too early.

What he did is NOT ok, that was nasty and bad form, call him on that…do not starve, abuse, or attempt to shit yourself thin….you are perfect the way you are, THAT’s A FACT…if you feel you would benefit from some healthier choices, go for it….when you both cool down, AND he apologizes, that’s a requirement, maybe talk about making some lifestyle changes that benefit you both….

As far as dresses go….if your curvy, which is sexy, try one of these….Nautical Navy Long Octopus Convertible Wrap Gown Dress

Post # 55
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Nona99:  Where is that dress from? I want one!

Post # 56
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You look very pretty. As for what your Fiance said, just playing devils advocate, but maybe what he meant was that you in yourself aren’t happy yet you don’t address the issues that make you feel insefeelwhich in turn makes you feel unnecessarily threatened by the horsface ex

Post # 58
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

That was such an awful thing to say. I hope it was serious laspe of judgement, please don’t loose any weight in an unhealthy way. Also consult your doctors, if you gain weight becaus of side effects going to gym might not solve your isses. The only thing those diet methods are going to due is make you feel and look sick!  B

uy some spanks, put on yor hottest shoes, and go enjoy yourself. You guys also should stop caring and giving so much power to ex, it been five years she shouldn’t even be a topic of conversation or have any kind of competition between you two.

Post # 59
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I get the first comment- if you’re talking about working out and making changes, and then don’t do anything, but get upset…I understand what he said, although it was not with very much filter. 

The second comment-idk, its rough. I don’t thinkt hat he meant it, since you don’t seem to have a history of any type of verbal abuse.  It could be that you’re taking it the wrong way- he probably wishes you wouldn’t be so self-conscious so that he could show you off, not that he doesn’t want to show you off the way you are now.  That’s how I read the comment,anyway…but I’m not all that sensitive about my body, so I tend not to take comments the wrong way.

Post # 60
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree that he should have brought up the bragging thing, but do you complain about your body and then do nothing about it?  ‘Cause I can totally see my husband getting irritated by my constant complaining and then not doing anything about it.

Can I ask why you still think there’s competition with his ex?  Perhaps that’s why he brought up your weight?  It’s been 5 years.  Why does it matter to you so much in the end when he chose you?

 

Post # 61
Member
8373 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

First of all, you should not give in to these feelings of insecurity and inferiority, and you should not be worrying about a relationship that your Fiance was in so long ago and about a woman who should not have any effect whatsoever on your future, no matter how many social events she may attend where you and your Fiance are also present.

HOWEVER, with your FI’s equally insecure and totally obnoxious and inappropriate attitude and comments, I can see why this is such a painful and difficult situation for you.

I’m sorry to say this, but, if your Fiance can make a statement such as that to you, it does not sound as if he loves and cherishes you. It sounds to me as if he is far more concerned with what his friends and an ex-girlfriend think of him than he is about what the woman he allegedly wants to marry thinks of him.

Many years ago, I dated a guy like this.  He seemed  to love me.  He said  he loved me.  And, yet, I later discovered that I just was not the type of girl he really wanted to marry.  He was very athletic. I was not.  He once described me as “more of a [porcelain] doll,” and he wanted a woman who would play sports with him. On another occasion when we were discussing our potential future together, he actually admitted to me that he was having trouble envisioning us together because he “always wanted to marry a girl that was prettier than his brother’s wife…”  Um. Excuse me? Needless to say, although we dated for two-and-a-half years, that relationship did not end up leading to marriage. Unfortunately, I was too young (in my early 20s) and too insecure at that time to understand that God had a different and much better plan for my life than the one I was following at the time, and I lacked the confidence to end that relationship myself once I saw the handwriting on the wall.

Are you sure you want to marry a man who does not seem to value and cherish you?  Beyond that, you, like most of us at various points in our lives, need to learn to become more comfortable in your own skin and not feel inferior to others regardless of how tall, thin, beautiful, etc. etc. etc. someone else may be.

I wish you the very best! 

ETA:  And, for goodness sake, please get rid of ANY ideas you have to crash diet or use laxatives, etc. to look better for this wedding.  Those things are harmful to your health.  I just clicked to view your picture, and you are beautiful! Stunning!

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