(Closed) Why would FI say that?? =( (sorry if its long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@graygodess20:  It sounds like the weight gain is bothering him. Neither of you should have let yourselves go, its unfair to the other person. While I think its rude of him to say anything about something you are so clearly insecure about, would you rather he wakes up one day and is no longer attracted to you? Love is important, but you still have to be able to get eachother’s engines going. Love will make us overlook many things, and most guys would never notice 10-15lbs, but it sounds like this has gone beyond that and thats not only unhealthy physically its unhealthy emotionally and it effects your relationship too.

When I met my Fiance I was actively going to the gym daily. Throw in many different factors, and the gym routine fell by the wayside and I gained weight. My Fiance finally said something about it, and at first I torn into him for ever commenting about my weight, I was hurt and I was angry. He had every right to say something, obesity is becoming such a huge life-threatening health problem these days and no one bothers to try to fix things. It was good he said something, I don’t want to ever have that conversation where he’s no longer attracted to me, and I was getting to feel completely self-conscious, thats not a way to live. Now I’m back into my habit and doing something about it, I’m already getting my confidence back and feel healthier. If Fiance hadn’t said something I don’t think it would have been the shock I needed to get back to the gym and get healthy again. Don’t get me wrong, I realized the weight was coming on, i so badly wanted to get back to the gym, but wanting and doing are 2 completely different things and once the habit and motivation are lost its hard to get it back.

If you’re so worried about his ex’s opinion and feeling so self-conscious then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Could your SO have said it in a way that didn’t hurt your feelings? not likely, anyone telling you that you’ve gained weight when you’re already insecure about it will hurt. 

Post # 63
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@graygodess20:  Workouts need to change everytime to get results. If you do the exact same thing everyday then you won’t get very far. You’re making excuses at this point. The weight stopping to dropp off, thats called plateauing, you need to switch things up to keep your body going. Also weights are very important and you have to increase the weight levels. It’s extremely difficult for women to get the bodybuilder bodies, but most women don’t realise how much work would need to actually go into that and fear that look so many refuse using weights or increasing weights.

Increased weight in exercise = increased muscle mass=increased fat burning on a regualr basis=reduced body fat. 

Also, your man clearly got sick of hearing you complain but then just not doing anything about it or giving up.

Post # 64
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
@BothCoasts:  You are definately reading more into the situation then you need to be. 

OP never said he was leveraging the exe, she brought the ex up not him. She is insecure and it sounds like he was sick of her complaining only to not do anything about it. 

Post # 65
Member
9970 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@drummerbride:   You’ve said some very wise things, but it sounds like her Fiance has no room to talk, he’s gained weight, too.  I don’t think he meant any harm, but I think you’re right that he was probably lashing out in frustration.  She started out by being insecure about the ex being there and her “competition” remark and that set it off.  I think it was a minor argument that got a little out of hand and he said something stupid.  But I don’t think he meant to hurt her feelings about it. 

I like your advice, though, awesome!  🙂

Post # 66
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

🙁 That is a terrible thing for any man to say to ANY woman, let alone his SO!!!!! I am sorry that it is making you question yourself. No matter how many people tell you to “love yourself, you’re beautiful just the way you are, he is with you now not her” etc, I know how it feels to feel like the ugly or heavy girl, and to wonder if my boyfriend/FI was wishing he was with someone else. Even if it’s just because of a stupid comment that a guy made without thinking it through or realizing how hurtful it would be!!! If you are intent on losing weight, a month isn’t long, but you can certainly lose some weight in a HEALTHY way that will last long after this wedding passes. Cut out soda and junk food, eat tons of veggies- do not starve yourself or take weird pills- and get as much exercise as you can. This will make you look and feel better, whether he thinks you need to lose weight or not. If you’re going to do it, do it for you- not him.

Post # 67
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@drummerbride:  Sorry, but I stand by what I said.

It doesn’t matter who brought up the ex in the first place. Maybe she was playing with fire bringing her up, but either way, she brought up the ex and clearly has insecurities about her. And what was this guy’s response? To criticize her appearance AND imply that it made her lesser than her ex? Um, isn’t that leveraging someone’s insecurities about an ex against them? 

I’m sorry, but even if he was justified in feeling how he feels (which I’m not convinced reading the post itself), in the end how is any of that helpful? If you’re with someone and they tell you that they’re insecure because of your ex, your relationship has problems.

In my book, it’s never ok to threaten someone’s security and self-esteem, even if you are frustrated. If my DH came to me feeling down about the way he looks, my response would never be to say what the OP’s Fiance said to her. I’d probably sit down and ask him how I could help him feel better and what I could do to support him. I wouldn’t tell him that it was a good thing he’s thinking about losing weight because I was getting ashamed of him on my arm–which IS, more or less, what her Fiance was saying.

Look at how the OP feels. She’s a to-be bride and no longer feels good in her own wedding dress. She’s talking about laxatives and crash dieting. Now you could say that she’s overly sensitive and/or insecure and fine, maybe she should work on that. But if it were me, I’d never want to make someone I love feel that way AND I’d never put up with someone who made me feel that way.

 

Post # 68
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

Get the flame throwers ready…  I agree with 

View original reply
@HisWifey2012.

It sounds like you have complained about said ex before.  Maybe he is tired of hearing it.  Especially after her being out of his life for 5 years.  I know I get so tired of my friends that compalin about things but never do anything to change those things.  

 

Post # 69
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

Get the flame throwers ready…  I agree with 

View original reply
@HisWifey2012.

It sounds like you have complained about said ex before.  Maybe he is tired of hearing it.  Especially after her being out of his life for 5 years.  I know I get so tired of my friends that complain about things but never do anything to change those things.  He is probably tired of you talking about your weight and making excuses.  Sorry, but the meds thing is an excuse.  

Post # 70
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

No one should ever make you feel like you aren’t good enough or pretty enough. That’s really horrible. He is supposed to be your teammate, the person that always has your back, the person that always thinks you’re beautiful. This is really sad, and what’s worse is YOU’RE trying to fix yourself when you don’t need to.

Go to the wedding, rock how you look, try to be happy and confident and it’ll show.

Don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t pretty or skinny enough or etc.

Post # 71
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@graygodess20:  Ok, a few things.

First off, yes his comment was out of line. He should definitely have not said the second part. But I do SOMEWHAT understand the first part (the ‘well you never do anything about it’). To be fair, he might have been giving a bit of tough love. I don’t know your situation, but I find it a bit odd you’d still be jealous or insecure about his ex from FIVE years ago. He probably finds that odd. And it shows you don’t necessarily trust him. Secondly, again I don’t know you, but if you have in the past complained to him about your weight and not actually done anything about it, I can see where he is coming from. The second part of the comment though, indicating he isn’t proud of you or whatever is completely out of line and hurtful, though.

Next up, don’t even think of doing a dangerous/ridiculous crash diet. That’s silly. You’re just going to make yourself miserable and neurotic for the next month to lose a negligable amount of weight. Not healthy mentally or physically!

You need to talk to him and see what he says. I know my bf puts his foot in his mouth occasionally.. but like I said, that last part of his comment would upset me too. It’s not a competition between you and his ex. And he said it very rudely. I don’t know if he said that somewhat without thinking, or he was going along the same lines of if YOU don’t think you’re good enough, YOU should have done something about the weight (i.e. so he doesn’t actually think that) or what. Either way you need to discuss this.

So bottom line, if you are one of those insecure, jealous girls it can be annoying for men. Hell, I know this – I am sometimes that girl!! But you are owed an apology.

Post # 72
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I strongly believe he was projecting his own fears about being overweight onto you. You said you both gained weight, and if he has not seen his ex in a while, and he knows he’s packed on a few, he’s probably really frustrated with himself for gaining, and his man-brain just transmitted that you lightening fast. Doesn’t make it right what he said, but it does explain how he could say that in this specific context, and still totally mean it when he says he loves you and the way you look and your curves.

Post # 73
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

you’re beautiful, he chose to marry YOU the way you are, not her

he probably said what he said because when faced with a conflict men come up with solutions….that come out sounding very bad

i act jealous of girls who are more fit than me, my Fiance gets tired of hearing me so he tells me to stop eating and work out, not to be mean, men are just insensitive but not in a malicious way

return the 200$ dress, workout, do whatever makes you FEEL good and buy another dress closer to the wedding

if i get something ridiculously expensive i always make sure that i can return it and find a way to re-attach the tags 🙂 because i most likely will only wear it once

Post # 74
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh, ouch. As everyone else has said, that was definitely not called for and very rude. At the same time, I can see how the uncomfortable prospect of being in a social situation with an ex could rattle him, but that is no reason to pull this type of crap.

If it’s any help, I think this is just the kind of nonsense that can come out of any guy’s mouth once (and it better only be once, right?)- last week I was dealing with some crazy bloating and water retention caused by my birth control, and while Fiance didn’t say anything then, yesterday I mentioned something about it and he said something about how he noticed it was going on. Which, maybe not inherently hurtful, but I was peeved and said something to the effect of “No, really, you want to tell me more about how you noticed I didn’t look my best, even though I made it clear that I didn’t feel good, physically or in self-esteem? Because obviously my well-bring isn’t as important as whether I look as hot as possible.” /sarcasm (He did apologize.) I usually think more highly of men’s emotional intelligence than this, really, but sometimes they can just be dumb. I’m glad you’re feeling better, hope he responds well to your talk with him!

Post # 76
Member
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That i s a very insensitive thing for him to say. I know that I dont know you guys and I am not in the position to judge your relationship. But I honestly would not stay with a guy who would say thto me ““you knew about the wedding and that she could be there, but yet you never wanna workout or do anything about how you look- Yeah it would of been nice going into it and being able to show off/ brag about about what i now have”…

The topic ‘Why would FI say that?? =( (sorry if its long)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors