Post # 1
This is a really personal post, but I guess that’s what the anonymous Internet is for. I am thoroughly disturbed by the idea of oral sex, and I don’t know why. It’s really bothering me.
Two things you need to know about FH and I.
1) We are both virgins, mostly for religious reasons, and hold very conservative views on sex.
2) I was a victim of sexual abuse in my early teens. I went to therapy for years and have come very, very far. But I am still sensitive when it comes to certain things. There are a few words that still trigger panic attacks if I think about them too much, so forgive my vagueness.
FH knows the pitfalls of being with a former abuse victim. I am unable to cope with the idea of “power play” in sex. Anything that makes me think of the “r-word” still reduces me to a quivering puddle. And for some reason, oral falls in that category.
Neither of us has ever experienced it. FH thinks it sounds interesting. He has a much stronger sex drive than he wants to admit, and likes the idea of trying new things. But I can’t even think about it! I get all shaky and panicky if I think about it in much detail. Why would this be the case? Maybe it feels like dominance/submission to me? Maybe I just think it sounds gross? Maybe I’m just sheltered by my lack of experience? I have no idea.
Sometimes I think back, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. Back then, I couldn’t even let people touch my bare skin, let alone even consider having sex. Now I’ve discovered that I have a healthy sex drive, and I’m excited for it in marriage. But it bothers me that I still have these unexplainable issues. I don’t want my problems to be a burden to FH.
He’s promised me that we won’t even think about it. But I don’t know whether that’s a good solution. Does anyone here just not have oral with their partner? There doesn’t seem to be anyone.
I would be so grateful if anyone could play psychiatrist with me. When we marry, I want to make him happy. But I can’t figure out these fears.
Post # 3
Just take it slow. When you are married, and feel comfortable taking your physical relationship further, you don’t have to go from 0 to 120 in like ten minutes. Cuddle, explore each other, and make sure you both feel comfortable.
Is there such a thing as a well-written romance novel, one with sex scenes? If so, reading something like that — where the people love each other and are tender with each other, but also sexual — might help you feel more comfortable.
Post # 4
I guess my first thought is, given your experiences, why wouldn’t you feel that way? If that’s something that scares you, you do not have to do it. All the better if your partner understands why, which it sounds like he does. Absolutely don’t pressure yourself to be ok with it. While I can understand wanting to know why you feel that way, but I wouldn’t say there’s any need to dig into those fears unless that would make you feel more safe, happy, or satisfied.
If you want, maybe just try to be willing to consider that oral sex could come to be something that YOU have power over, that you decide if it happens (ever!) and how it goes. Congrats and much respect for what you have already worked through for yourself!
Post # 5
First of all, admiting that it bothers you is good since you are now in a place where you can “see” your feelings better. You will do what’s comfortable to you and he seems to be supportive. With time you may discover you want/don’t want to do some things. Keep on being strong, keep on getting over the past and being healthy.
Post # 6
I think you will be surprised how your views change over time. I’m not saying you will ever want to do it, but being in a loving relationship will make you want to try things you never thought you would. At least it has for me. Not everyone does everything, and you certainly don’t ever have to make that a part of your relationship if you don’t want to. I think you have done a good job making it clear to your Fiance that you don’t plan on making that a part of your relationship. And he seems completely ok with that. I suspect that if 10 years down the road you want to change your mind and try it then he will be open to the idea. And if 10 years down the road you still feel uncomfortable with it, then it seems like he won’t feel like he is missing anything. It sounds like you got a real catch.
Post # 7
@gangqinjia: Sister, you are not alone. In fact, I was thinking I was the only person who has this mental block with oral, but I am sad that you are experiencing it too. Among your lists of why, #2 is true for me also. I was also …well, I won’t go into details, but while I’ve made progress, my major sticking point seems to be with oral.
I have lots of anxiety about thinking of performing the act, let alone doing it… that would be in the neighborhood of a panic attack too. Deep down, I want to try so that I don’t disappoint my Darling Husband, but he has never asked me to, and I’ve never offered. Not yet, anyway.
There is a Kama Sutra board game out there, and it’s geared towards people beginning their sexual relationship. It’s all about exploration, and it has cards of things for you to try. Darling Husband and I went through them and took out the cards we weren’t comfortable with, and played it. I loved it. While we didn’t have oral in the equasion, the game offered suggestions that made things interesting without having to “go there.” Maybe something like this could help you divert attention away from oral, or the perceived expectation of it? It’s good that you have an understanding partner who won’t force you into anything you aren’t ready for.
Here’s the game:
Post # 8
As others have said…take your time. You and your husband have your whole lives to experiment with what you like and what feels good to you. As far as “playing psychiatrist” goes…
None of this may be true, and please stop reading if you find anything I’m saying super triggery or offensive, BUT: I would imagine that at this point in your life, you probably find it kind of icky, don’t see how you could ever take any pleasure from it, and (maybe) see it as something that you have to be committed to from first lick to his orgasm (which also probably brings up thoughts of gross body fluids, choking, and something you don’t want to do). So thinking about oral sex makes you feel like you’re trapped into doing something you don’t want to do and that you would take no pleasure from. Of COURSE it brings up thoughts of the r-word!
Except that’s not the way that oral sex really works in a loving, consensual relationship. I promise.
Are you and your Fiance able to do back/foot massages? (You mentioned that touching bare skin used to be a problem.) If you can start to think of the dynamics of oral sex being more like giving or receiving a massage, it might help you. When you’re giving your honey a back massage, it’s something that you’re doing for him — you don’t feel any particular physical pleasure from it, even though you’re hopefully enjoying the fact that you know how to make him feel good. His back or feet might be a little sweaty — but no big deal, right? You know you can wash your hands afterwards or even take a shower together. Plus, you know his body, so it’s fine. And most of all…you know that once you start giving your honey a massage, you’re not going to be forced to do it for hours and hours or rub his back in a way that is uncomfortable for you. It’s just a little indulgent gift of love that you’re giving him because it feels good and you enjoy making him feel good. You have a little bit more control over what’s going on, and he is basically in the role of receiving all the good feelings, but there’s nothing painful or non-consensual about it.
This should be what oral is like, whether you’re giving or receiving. A gift of love and pleasure — a chance to make your partner feel particularly good and to explore each other’s bodies and reactions…but only as long as both you and your partner feel like doing that specific thing.
Post # 9
There have been some great comments on this thread so far.
I think the advice to take is slow is excellent. i would add to that the idea that you should both be clear that you should be the one “in charge,” at least at first. During sexual activity of any kind, keep the lines of communication open, and tell him what you’re feeling. avoid positions where he is “dominating” you–instead, lie on top of him. Pick a safe word to say, so that if at any time something triggering happens you simply say the word and he immediately stops whatever he’s doing, no questions asked.
Also, if you’re Christian, keep in mind that sex isn’t “naughty” and that once you’re married you have total permission. This is a transition in thinking you need to start making before the wedding itself; otherwise when you get married, the idea of being sexual might well continue to seem immoral to you, and that wouldn’t do either of you any good, especially if it’s being reinforced by your past experience.
Post # 10
Thank you all so much. I was really nervous posting about this, but I’m so glad I did! You all are wonderful. I don’t really know how to reply to each of you personally, but every one of your posts has been so encouraging, informative, relieving, and validating. I feel like a huge load has been taken off my shoulders, and it only gets better as I reread the replies. 🙂 Thank you so much!
Post # 11
I totally see where you are coming from!! It is only logical!! In my opinion you probably have a form of post traumatic stress.
I was sexually assaulted last year, in public, in broad daylight, in the creepiest way! This man walked by me he had surgical gloves on and was covering half of his face and grabbed my breast as he walked by and ran. Thankfully he was arrested, but was released a month and a half later. And I recently got a phone call from the DA telling me that there was another victim, which triggered a lot of memories and feelings about that day. Since the day I was sexually assaulted I am super paranoid about any man in the street, store, anywhere you name it, I am constantly looking over my shoulder! Also, I do have have an issue when it comes to my breast when we are being intimate.
It will probably take some time. Don’t worry about if your Fiance will be happy, because he will be! As long as you are happy and comfortable, I’m sure that will be good enough for him. Hope you feel better!!
Post # 12
Something that might help too is IF YOU decide to try this with your FH, then try making him lie down on the bed with you above him. This helped me alleviate some of the panic triggers of being submissive. Being even/ above him, makes some of the ” trapped, submissive” feelings go away for me. He also holds my hand, and should I decide to stop, that’s all there is to it.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
It might be a good time to consider re-starting seeing a therapist. If you have lingering, life-long issues with certain types of sexual intimacy and post-traumatic stress from your abuse, seeing a therapist while you begin being intimate with your new husband will probably be very helpful for you. You’ll have someone to talk to about the feelings and fears that come up (because they will come up) and this can prevent them from spiralling into deeply embedded shame and guilt.
Post # 14
I have no advice on your particular circumstances about why you haven’t but I can say:
i have been with my Fiance for almost 3 years and we have never given oral to each other.
I dispise giving it and he isn’t that into it, never has pressured me or anything. I’m not that crazy about it on me, so I figure since I don’t give, I don’t ask.