WHYYY! Need Advice- Alcoholic MOH

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    2707 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

    “Friend, either you don’t drink or you move out of my apartment as I cannot continue to support you like this.  I’m happy to help you find a place and I’d like you to move by the 12th of June.”

    Post # 4
    Member
    2707 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

    You might want to start the conversation a little more gently, but sometimes you just have to come out and say it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    6273 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Yup. I’m in the tough love camp too. I really hope she’ll get on a 12 step program but she seems a long way away from this now. 

    Have you heard of al-anon? It’s a group for friends and family of those with addiction. They can advise you regardless if she’s in recovery or not. I’m not advising you get too involved with her drama but I’m sure they’ll be Facebook groups etc and you can post this there and ask those that have been involved for a long time what you can do to best help the situation. You have to look out for you first but I do think they’ll be going down the tough love route too.  They may have some extra advice and tips for you as well.

     

    i have found al-anon extremely helpful personally  

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    1365 posts
    Bumble bee

    megrays :  It sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience with alcholics. I’m sorry. I hope you can extricate yourself from this situation soon.

    I would tell her that she can’t drink or she can’t live in your apartment. Tell her you tried to discuss this with her before but she was too drunk to comprehend. When she can’t stick with not drinking (I bet she can’t), I’d make good on that promise. You need to stand your ground. This is unhealthy for sure. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    megrays :  So, as someone with alcoholics in my family (and who is in therapy), I say this with a lot of love – maybe you need to reflect on why, as the daugther of two alcoholics, you’re taking care of another fully grown alcoholic. You may want to do some reading on co-dependency and the caretaking role that children of alcoholics often take on. And I think it’s time for your friend to move on. It sounds like it’s not bringing you any joy to have her there.

    ETA: You kicking her out could help her a lot in the long run. Stuff like that can wake people up to the damage they’re doing to themselves and others.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2811 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m curious as to why you asked her to be your maid of honour when you are so disgusted by her as a person? You knew she was a drinker, and you yourself were a drinker when you became friends. You knew she was a bit of a couch surfer and an alcoholic when you invited her to stay.. 

    SusieQAnon :  Makes a good point. I wonder if you’re sorting out some of your own issues with your friend. Either way, this doesn’t sound like a very healthy friendship to me for either of you. You don’t seem to actually like or care about her very much, you just seem appalled. I think you should ask yourself why you have chosen to be friends with her, and not just friends, but your maid of honour and ‘roommate.’ 

    Post # 10
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    addiction is tough, especially when it’s someone you care about (your family and your friend)

    1) you need to tell her that you support her but she can’t smoke pot in your house anymore, and that she needs to take steps to move out and that you will help her

    2) tell her you’re worried about her because of your experience with your parents, and how it’s impacted their (and your) life negatively

    3) you can’t force her to change. you need to realize that full stop. The only thing you can do is offer support and change YOURSELF to either put up with it (please don’t) or not tolerate it. Get yourself into an Al-Anon support group for family/friends of those who suffer from addiction, working wtih people who have been through similar situations that you grew up in and are dealing with now with your friend will help you craft ways to help them and yourself.

     

    Best of luck bee <3

     

    wow, sorry that post is riddled with bad grammar and spelling mistakes… 

    Post # 11
    Member
    97 posts
    Worker bee

    Sorry you are going through this. Daughter of an alcoholic here and stepmother of an alcoholic son. I agree with the bee who mentioned codependency. Please look into a support group like Al-Anon or Smart Recovery. I tried to take care of my mother for nearly 40 years before depression set in badly and I was referred to a codependency group. It is hard to accept that we can’t somehow save or fix the people we care about. We think we see who they really are (that nice person you see when she isn’t drinking) and that if we love them enough, help them enough, encourage them enough, etc. that somehow they will get better. After all, they care about us, don’t they? The problem us that addiction isn’t rational and a person who is self-medicating is too enmeshed to see themselves or anyone else clearly. The only true motivator is to experience the cause and effect lessons, the lessons of cause (they drink/smoke) and effect (they loose jobs, people don;t want to be around them, etc). All you can do is decide what is best for you, speak your truth, lay down boundaries and live your life. This is not selfish. Your friend may get angry when you lay down your boundaries (I hope you do). She may not want to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. That’s ok. You deserve friends who care about your well being. Good luck.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    653 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    megrays :  You need to be strong and kick her out.  It’s hard but it’s better for you and her in the long run.  I’ve had to do something similar with my two previous best friends.  I still miss them.  One has gotten sober though and is working in addiction recovery now.  We still talk from time to time, I don’t think I’ll ever be as close with her again.  But now that she’s sober she thanked me for ending our friendship and that I did the best thing for myself.  After that she spiraled and then hit bottom, and then got help. Even though I still mourn the loss of our friendship I’m glad she got help.

    My other friend I’m still waiting for her to get sober.  She made behaved a lot like your friend does, and the last straw was when she made a scene in front of my entire neighborhood at 2 am.  So I told her we couldn’t be friends until she is sober.  

    It’s thebest thing you can do for yourself, even though it is hard in the moment.  There is nothing you can do to save them from themselves.

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