(Closed) Widowed mom & daughter getting married

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I just want to offer you support. It sounds like you have been an incredibly strong and devoted daughter, and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

If you liked your counselor, could you go back for a few “touch up” sessions? These are huge transitions, and it’s completely normal and healthy for them to bring up difficult emotions and issues.

Post # 4
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Yes. My mom is also a widow, and I struggle with the same things as you everyday. I feel incredibly guilty for my happiness, while I watch my mom withdraw from her life. Ive recently started counseling and it might be a good idea for you too.

Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I too have been through this and after 10 years am still going through it. My mom lives through me and just isn’t strong enough to make her own life. I now live in another state due to hubby’s transfer, and the guilt is always there. Unfortunitaely the resentment is there too. It’s got so I just hate talking to her as I feel bad for the rest of the day. My advise is get some support and keep working on your mom to at least join a support group. Maybe offer to go with her 2-3 meetings. She won’t be comfortable going on her own. I have learned that you have to go ahead and live the life you want after all you will have a spouse to consider. I have also learned there is only so much you can do. I wish I could give you a magic solution but I can’t, just know your not alone in your guilt.

Post # 9
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m a Mom with 2 married daughters, and I can tell you that I would never want my kids to put their lives on hold for me. I’m sure yours wants the exact same thing for you, and would probably feel terrible if she knew you thought that way and resented her/felt guilty about  it.

She’ll find her way, and even tho its been two years, it may take her two more to be ready to enter the world on her own, fully. You need to plan your life the way you want it to be, and I’m sure she’ll be fine. The grieving process is so different for everyone and the stages of it are so varied, but its perfectly normal for her to be feeling a little lost right now.

You’ve been a wonderful daughter to go home and help care for your Dad, and I’m absolutely positively sure she appreciates what you did (and more than you’ll ever know). Be excited for this new chapter and leave the guilt of moving on behind you! This is a wonderful time for you, so please try and enjoy it. That’s what your Dad wanted for you, and I’m sure your Mom does as well.

Be happy.

Post # 11
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My mom is going to be a widow soon.  I also moved away but stayed away for over 18 years.  I think you may need some touch up sessiosn to deal with this guilt. Though you say you’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness you are acting like it is and feeling the guilt as if it were!

Sometimes you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

It wouldn’t be a bad idea to bring your mother with you to a few counseling sessions.  I know she doesn’t believe in it, but if you can get her to go with you “for your benefit” it might get her in the door, at least.  Maybe going with you will help her deal with her own grief, and she can continue seeing a counselor on her own if it help.  Or perhaps your area has some grief support groups she could attend?  They are usually a bit more casual and laid-back than normal “therapy” so she may be more open to trying it.  It sounds like she may be depressed, (not that I blame her), and seeking counseling and/or seeing a doctor may help.

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