(Closed) Null

posted 2 years ago in Europe
Post # 2
Member
6135 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why does she need your permission to see her friend? Are you usually this controlling?

Post # 3
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Her friends are not pulling you apart, you’re doing a great job of that yourself. Your wife should not need your permission to see her friends and the fact that her not asking permission pissed you off it out of line.

Post # 5
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

How did you tell her you were upset?  Was there yelling, screaming, hyperbole? 

No one walks out of a happy marriage because their spouse says “Oh, what a shame.  I had surprise plans for us.  In the future, can we try to communicate more effectively?”  Something was done or said that made her uncomfortable.

Post # 7
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

For her to feel that bad (and maybe a bit afraid?) that she feels she has to get away for two days indicates to me that whatever happened between you two was major in her eyes. If she is telling you that she does not feel ” comfortable” around you then you best have a good look at your behaviour.

You anger may stem from a ruined surprise but understand as far as she was concerned nothing was planned so she accepted an invite from a friend. If as you say she “never has to ask” then how was she in the wrong here?

Post # 8
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

Sheeeeeesh you must’ve really raised your voice in order for her to leave and not come back cos she’s uncomfortable in her own home!!

I don’t understand that she needed to check in with you regardless of what the date is, my fiancé made plans for New Years once and there was no checking in, I just worked the dy around his plans. If you had a surprise you could’ve either told her or rearranged them. 

Maybe there’s a lot more to this story and this might’ve been the final straw for your wife

Post # 9
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

What would you define as the difference between yelling and raising your voice?

I’m not calling you an abuser; I don’t know anything about you outside this thread.  But this was one of my own abuser’s favorite tactics – “I didn’t yell at you; I just raised my voice!”  Later that became “I didn’t stop you from leaving; I just held your arm!”

Consider things from her point of view.  There were no plans for the day off, so she made plans with a friend.  This results in raised voices and condemnation.  If she’s generally unhappy in the marriage, that’s a definite last straw.  

If you wanted her to keep the day free, you should have told her that.  You didn’t need to tell her what the plans were, just that you had a surprise for her.  

Post # 10
Member
4756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hubby and I have a disagreement every so often like everybody else but I have NEVER EVER felt unsafe and afraid to be around him. My friends and family have also NEVER EVER tried to interfere in our relationship or pull us apart because they like and know my husband to be a decent upstanding guy. 

The whole point that your wife feels uncomfortable, drops your keys off to you in a public place with others around and has friends who dislike you, speaks volumes. The whole point that you also talk about not wanting her to see friends rings alarm bells. This is all very classic behaviour patterns of you being an abusive spouse. 

Most people don’t just willy nilly pick up and leave a marriage over a disagreement. Usually something major is wrong and if they do leave, they might think their ex is dick and hate their guts but they don’t fear for their safety unless they have glaring reasons to do so! 

OP, I think you need to do some soul searching and think about why you are in the situation you are in. 

Post # 12
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

If your wife is hitting you repeatedly, then you have a decidedly unhealthy relationship.  This isn’t safe for you and may also not be safe for her.  I think it’s good that she’s gone and you should consider using this time off to begin ending the marriage.

Also, ‘It’s human nature to raise your voice’ – no.  My fiance and I have never, ever raised out voices to each other.  We disagree, but we still stay calm.  It doesn’t have to be otherwise.

 

Post # 13
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
mightydanp :  she still doesn’t have to communicate with you just because you have a surprise planned, she obviously doesn’t know that and if you wanted to make plans with her then it was on you. Being pissed off that she didn’t run it by you it still controlling.

 

Edit. This sounds like an absolute disaster, why are you still together? Perhaps it’s best for you that she left for a while. Use this time to figure out your plan.

Post # 14
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
mightydanp :  yes, communication IS key to any relationship. You do not appear to have good communication in your relationship. 

I’m really sorry that you have suffered at the hands of your wife. There is no excuse for domestic abuse, and if I were you I would be making plans to make this separation permenant. Are there children at home? 

Also, FWIW, it’s untrue to say everyone raises their voice when angry. In ten years (and probably a good few times he’s been annoyed), I have never seen my husband shout. I don’t recall ever shouting at him either. If you argue, raising voices and shouting are not effective ways of getting your point across.

Post # 15
Hostess
9031 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

As OP has edited post and comments to NULL I am going to close this thread now.

The topic ‘Null’ is closed to new replies.

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