(Closed) Will be in a LDR for a year

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

My husband and I are in a long-distance relationship 50% of the time. He works on a rig in the Gulf Coast, and while he’s out there we aren’t able to communicate much – the internet is very slow, and he doesn’t get cell phone reception, so he calls me from his office phone every night. I’m not going to lie – it’s really, really hard. But we’re 13 months in (hoping he gets a promotion or another option by the end of this year!) and we’ve made it thus far. THe thing about being in a LDR is that your time together is so sweet and so precious. We do all kinds of fun things together that we didn’t do before because time was never an issue. We go on adventures, we stay up really late talking and enjoying each other’s company… and towards the end, when he has to go back offshore, I cry and have a hard time saying goodbye, and then try to keep myself busy until he gets back.

Hopefully you guys will be able to Skype, text, etc. like normal couples on land – those things should help a lot to feel close to each other!! I promise, if you are both committed, you will get through it.

Post # 3
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

wichitastatecheerleader:  I am currently in an LDR, and have been for just over a year. We got engaged a couple of months ago and I will be moving to be with him a few months before the wedding.

I think being in an LDR brought us closer to each other because we really had to put in the effort to communicate. I agree with Mrs. Wallaby:  that you really do appreciate the time that you have with each other. 

Some of the things that we have done:

– talking on the phone every day if possible (we have a three hour time difference, so this isn’t always possible),

– checking in with each other,

– keeping busy with our own lives where we are (and encouraging the other to do the same),

– reading books together,

– “hanging out” on Skype/Google + (we are both in school, so we would literally have study dates online – dorky but nice),

– making plans for the future (having an end in sight and looking forward to being together makes it bearable)

Post # 4
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

wichitastatecheerleader:  by the way, I forgot to mention that you letter is beautiful!  And I wish that I had thought of that idea!!

Post # 5
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I just wanted to say that my fiance and I were in an LDR for a year before we were engaged and it can and does work out. We lived about a 3 hr plane ride apart. It will test your relationship and who you are as people like nothing else but you can get through it especially because you know for sure it will be a year so you have an end date which is key. The things on your list made me tear up a little because they brought back so many memories for me especially the thing about him playing video games lol sounds just like my Fiance. I have not much advice to add because from your letter it sounds like you have a very realistic idea of what it will be like. Also, you’re 4hrs drive away so do weekend trips whenever you each can and make sure that’s as equal as possible with who is going where. I know we don’t know each other but if you ever need encouragement, please feel free to inbox me ๐Ÿ™‚ 


Post # 6
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Your letter sounds great, not stupid at all ๐Ÿ˜€

I’m going to be in an LDR from July as well, also because of a placement for my FI’s PhD (except my Fiance and I be half a world apart with a horrendus time difference, UG!). Be glad that you will be able to skype, see each other for long weekends and call. And look forward to making plans to see each other and planning fun things to make the most of those times!

And a year may seem like forever now, but I’m sure if you keep busy and just focus on your study and having fun, time will fly! That’s what I’m hoping, I’m planning our wedding for his return and also a trip to the US to see him at the end of it – also trying to think of a new hobby lol.

Maybe when we both figure out some great tips for getting through it – we should share? ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 7
32 posts
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Church in partners hometown

I think the letter is lovely, and a really good idea! I was in a LDR for 18 months before we finally got to be in the same place, and yes it is really hard but I think 100% it was worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant the same outcome (we are getting married in a month!!) If I could give any tips it would be to maintain an open and honest communication forum, make sure you check in with each other as much as you can.  I found sometimes I was getting stressed about problems that didnt really exist, just because getting an actual feeling from someone in person is different to the feeling cues you get from phonecalls/skype.

We also had ‘skype dates’ haha, pretty dorky but I swear I looked forward to it so much. We used to play games online, and we also used to watch a movie at the same time while we had skype on so it was like we were watching it together.

I definitely got jealous, and he got jealous too. But it never got out of hand, we always talked about it and we always tried to remember we were jealous because we loved each other so much.

Everythings going to be fine! My dad always used to say to me about my LDR, 18 months is nothing in comparison to the rest of your life.  Its big right now, but it will go quick I promise!

Post # 9
36 posts

It is such a bummer to live away from your fiance – sounds like you are already setting up your methods for getting through it!  My job takes me 500 miles away for 6 months every year, and I have to say that our communication is incredible when we’re far apart!  If you don’t get to see each other and always make assumptions about feelings, etc, then you really have to explain even the smallest things.  It’s pretty cool.

A couple things:

-It helps if you spell out your expectations for communication with each other ahead of time.  If you and he are expecting to talk at different frequencies, it can lead to one person feeling slighted and worrying.

– Expect to have bad days and make one of the expectations that you are always honest with each other.  So, if he calls to say he’s having a bad day and missing you, that doesn’t mean that you have feel the same way.  You can tell him how sorry you are that he had a bad day, that you’re always there for him, and then tell him about your awesome day (or vice versa).  On days where you are opposites, it helps the other person to remember that you are still independent people living your dream.  It’s a good thing!

– Talk fully about every little thing that comes up.  If there’s a concern, it deserves to be explored at that moment.  When you’re far apart, the last thing either of you want is anxiety or to feel like the other is not there for you.  

I remember the hardest part for me was remembering to be in the moment and give my all when I talk to him.  If you are often multi-tasking when you’re on the phone with your friends, you might have to pay attention to your actions during this time because you both need to know that you are 100% in the moment with each other.  

This actually can kind of be fun – you’ll think of things while you’re away.  I remember one night saying goodnight, then both of us going outside to look at the stars together.  I also photoshopped his head onto a friend’s body and emailed him a picture to show that he was always with me even when we were far apart .

Post # 10
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We did long-distance for 3 years, almost to the day. I was finishing up my PhD, and Mr. brlabrat got a postdoc hundreds of miles away. It is tough but doable. Here are my thoughts:

  • I found it works best when you have a finite ending date. Mark it on your calendar, look forward to it, calculate the percentage completed (if you’re analytical types), have talks about “when this year is over”… whatever you can do to keep the focus on the goal. This is important for morale… for the majority of our LDR, we did not have an end date/exit strategy, and it was brutal.
  • Make time for Skype/phone dates and protect that time as much as you can. For us, it worked out to be every other night for about 2 hours at a time on Skype, plus e-mails/texts a few times each day. Even if we just watched TV “together” on Skype, it made a huge difference in how normal things felt. That time was absolutely sacred — you miss so much by not being together, and it really pays off to focus on one another even for a short time a few days a week. 
  • Equally important, and may be counter-intuitive after the previous post, make time to enjoy life apart. Make sure you both have friends to lean on and “extracurriculars” to keep yourselves busy. This is going to be huge for your sanity.
  • As much as you want those precious few hours of Skype/phone time to be happy, positive moments in your life, try not to protect one another from how you’re really feeling. It’s okay to admit to one another that things aren’t perfect right now, or that you’re feeling resentful, or that today you just can’t seem to remember how you got into this mess, or to simply just say to one another, “yeah, this sucks.” Don’t let the negativity dominate your time together, but don’t ignore it either. It’s healthy to let those bad emotions breathe every now and then, especially with the only other person in the world who really understands how you feel right now.

At least for us, long distance was a great test of our commitment and communication skills. We joke now that on the rare occasion that we do fight, we are super-efficient at fighting and conflict resolution, lol. I also agree with PPs that a long-distance relationship can really up your level of gratitude for your partner — you are so thankful for your time together, and it can really help highlight why this person is worth so damn much work. 

And I think your letter is a wonderful idea. We actually mailed each other surprise letters every so often for the first year or two of living apart, which was fantastic for morale, but a “Day 1” letter would also have been really sweet. It sounds like you’ve got your head screwed on straight, which is about all you can ask before such a big step! Best of luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
9 posts
  • Wedding: The Metropolitan Centre

I love the letter idea!!! My SO and I are about 6 months into the LDR thing…I moved because of a job in KS, he’s in OH. Everything everyone has said is so true. You’ll feel like you’re alone (together) in the situation, but there are others that have been though it! Very early into our LDR, my SO was talking to a person he works with who told him she had been in a LDR and it had crashed and burned in a really horrible way, which really bummed him out. The main reason their relationship failed was because of a lack of communication. You will become the best communicator you’ve ever been about 1 month into the LDR. Things you may have not said before (be it emotionally, things that bug you, whatever) you will share openly. At least that’s what happened with us. We often fall asleep with Skype on, which makes it “feel” like we’re sleeping together, which is also really nice. 

And you are totally right about forcing him to go out with his friends and have fun. I’m pretty isolated where I am, so it’s especially hard to know he;s out having fu with our friends while I’m watching Netflix. But I think it’s really important that he maintains who he is and doesn’t give up other opportunities for socialization to stay home and talk to me. You’ll get jealous, you really will. But it’ll also make you feel happy because he’s happy! Crazy mix of emotions!!

Anyways, we’re more than likely getting engaged this summer and then we’ll be in a LDR for at least another year, so if you need any other support, feel free to inbox me!

Post # 12
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My Fiance and I have been long distance for almost all of our 6 1/2 year relationship. We started dating in college the semester before I went abroad, and we decided to stay together. As soon as I came back, he graduated and I had one year left.  We spent the summer together and also the summer after I graduated together, but I was accepted into a Master’s program in NYC and his job was in North Carolina.  A year after that, he got accepted into a PhD program in Boston, so we’ve been doing NYC to Boston for about 4 years. I am FINALLY moving to be with him at the end of this summer.

You will learn to communicate and read each other just based off of voice tone more than you thought was possible. It will test how much you want to be with each other. It will make you appreciate being physically together so much more.  You’ll learn to live a full and independent life without your Fiance, while still having them as the most important person to you and your first priority.  Overall, I think long distance can create an incredible foundation for a long, happy marriage.<br />

Some things we do that makes it easier:

– don’t put too much pressure on making every visit perfect and amazing and fun; it’s ok to be tired and just want to cuddle and watch a movie<br />

– download the Couple app. It’s a password protected app where you can send each other messages, pictures, drawings, “stickers,” etc. plus it has a super cute “thumb kiss” feature

– watch movies and tv shows “together” over skype or gchat

– always call to say goodnight; we usually talk a few times a day, but sometimes one of us (or both of us!) is really busy and we don’t get a good phone call in, so it’s nice to know that no matter what one of us will call to say goodnight

– pick some podcasts that you’ll both listen to and then discuss them

– discuss expectations for how often each person will visit, but don’t get too upset if something comes up and your schedule has to change

– don’t be afraid to have fights over the phone, because holding things in will only make it worse

– always remember that the LDR is proving you two choose to be with each other even when it’s not convenient, and that’s what makes a relationship last

Good luck and PM me if you have any questions or just need support!

Post # 13
5955 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m in an LDR as well.  Some days (today) I’m sick of it, other days it doesn’t really cross my mind much.  It’s so insane to me to think that I’ve been married for nearly a year and I have still never LIVED with my husband.  UGH!

Anyway, for one year and only 4 hours apart you’ll be fine.  It’ll be an adjustment, especially if you lived together before, but here are some tips to make the best of it

 1) plan to see each other regularly.  At 4 hours apart I think you could spend every other weekend together, with you two alternating the driving burden.

2) Make every weekend together a special event.  No running errands or sitting around doing boring things.  Plan a special weekend everytime.  Take lots of pictures to look back on of these adventures.  You may even want to create a photobook at the end of the year.

Post # 15
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know 4 hours SEEMS like a lot, but it’s not that bad.  I moved 3.5 from my boyfriend for a judicial clerkship.  we saw each other almost every weekend.  i preferred his town, so I would leave after work on friday and drive down to see him and wake up at 4 AM Monday morning and drive back.  Yes, I am crazy but I just liked doing it.

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