(Closed) Will having a baby ruin my life?

posted 4 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

Gosh I hope not.  I had 4 😳. I was actually telling hubby today I can’t imagine not having them.  Yes! They are a lot of work.  But….. I have NEVER frgretted haning any one of them.  

Post # 19
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Gosh no!  It’ll change your life forever to be sure but in the most beautiful and profound way.  You and your husband will fall head over heals in love with this person you created, and daily you fall MORE in love!  We have so much fun doing life with our son, honestly we rarely do things without him it’s just so SO fun to be with him.  The good certainly outweighs the challenges.  Honestly it’s like the world is infinitely brighter and sweeter with him in it.  I can’t fathom life without him, and also currently am trying to wrap my mind around loving another baby like we do him!

Post # 20
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Those articles on scary mommy are way over dramatized.  Having kids will CHANGE your lives.  So if you are super attached to the lifestyle you live now.. you might see it as ruining.  If you, however, expect that your life will change and you are open to it, then I think you will be fine.

Post # 21
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

As a teacher I see a lot of kids who very obviously are their parents’ whole lives.  Quite literally — all the parents do all day is kid-related.  They are volunteering at the school, they are coaching basketball, they are bringing their kid to dance after school.  And that is fantastic that parents want to be so involved, however kids react differently to that than you would expect.  They become clingy and they become dependent.  Plus a lot of times parents think since they are at the school all the time that they can dictate things like their childrens’ grades and they think they have control over us educators…

It is VERY important that as parents, you take time to yourselves.  This looks different to different people of course.  Maybe that means a regular date night.  Maybe that means spending quality time at home doing your own things — kids playing in one room, you doing whatever you like doing best in another.  Maybe that means you take turns with the neighbor watching each others’ kids so you can all have a bit of a break.  Kids don’t have to take up your entire life unless you let them.

Post # 22
Member
620 posts
Busy bee

Ruin your life? No, probably not. Rock your world? Absolutely. I have a 9 month old daughter. She is the light of my life. I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself in motherhood, because I feel like I truly became myself when I became her mom. 

I’ve also never been so stressed, so tired, so worried. My husband and I have really struggled finding our footing as parents together, despite being the best of friends and talking things out a lot before our baby. The reality is just a lot harder than we imagined. But I know we will get through it and these infant days are very short. 

For me, the highs are higher and the lows are lower. But I really can’t imagine life any other way.

Post # 23
Member
4402 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My response is different because I had kids before my life really started. I was 19 when DD was born, 22 with DS. So my whole adult life, I’ve been a mom. It took a while and a lot of work and struggle but I can confidently say I absolutely have a life and an identity outside of my kids. Which is important to me, and I think it is important for my kids to see that. Like another Bee said (won’t let me tag, grr) my whole life does not revolve around my kids. When they were little, they got strapped to my back and taken where I was going. Now that they are teens they are incredibly independent and I feel confident in their abilities to set off into the world as functional humans. And, isn’t that the end goal of parenting, after all? Not that we raise them to stick to us forever, but that we raise them to let them go?
Anyway….I would say hold tight to something that gives you your own sense of self. Whatever that may be. I think it is trendy right now to be a martyr to our children, like we MUST suffer for them or we’re not doing a good job. But what does that foretell for their future, when their parent’s whole lives are wrapped up in their kids?

Jesus. Tangent/rant. Sorry. This is obviously important to me..

Post # 24
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Ditto to the other bees. Having a child didn’t ruin my life – sure, life changed dramatically and since she has a lot of medical needs, can be quite stressful at times as I worry about her. Ruining your marriage? Only if the parents didn’t have a strong relationship before and/or ignored maintaining the relationship. This happened with my ex. I became SO wrapped up in my daughter’s medical needs and full time work that I didn’t spend time nurturing our marriage. Likewise, he was so focused on getting his masters degree and working full time, he was rarely around. We didn’t make our marriage a priority. But that wasn’t my daughter’s fault. Every couple needs emotional intimacy. 

That being said – our divorce has been for the best and I still wouldn’t give up my daughter for the world. She is the light of my life and absolutely adore her. 

As far as losing my identity, I did for a while. Again, because of my daughter’s health issues. It was all I had time for, honestly. But when she was about 2-3 I re-focused on myself. I have a great career, hobbies and interests, girls nights with my friends, etc. I feel like I’ve found the balance and am so happy with my life. She’s 7 now and Fiance and I want at least one, maybe 2 more. 😊

Post # 25
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am sure it would ruin mine, which is why I’m firmly CFBC. To each their own. I know that none of the pros would ever outweigh the extensive cons for me. And yes, I’m selfish – i like my free time, my sleep, my body, and my money. 

Post # 26
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
FutureMrsDA :  I am soooo happy you asked this question, because I was gearing up to write a similar post! We are hoping to start TTC in the late summer/early fall of this year. I’m 31, DH will be 29 by then. We have been together for 10 years and married for almost 7. Even though our finances have been steadily improving and our house is more than big enough for children, I still find myself feeling totally freaked out by the idea of becoming a mother. Like you, I like babies, but I don’t have that strong “maternal” drive that so many of my friends seem to have. It doesn’t feel automatic for me, and sometimes I worry that it means that I’ll resent my children. It’s refreshing to see answers on here from women who were just like us, but found motherhood to be wonderful. My mom was actually quite similar too. She says that motherhood is the most gratifying experience she’s ever had, and she still feels that way after we lost my brother, who died in 2012. Even that tragedy couldn’t change how she felt about being a parent. That’s a powerful thing.

People often talk about feeling a love that they never imagined before when they have a baby. I can’t imagine that, but I’m really hoping I get to feel it, too.

I’m also a very creative person and I own my own business, so there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to lose touch with that part of myself, even though I’m prepared to scale back when I’m a mom.

Anyway, I’ll be following this thread for more answers from experienced Bees! Good luck TTC!

 

Post # 27
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
ljm308 :  Totally agree with you. I teach high school and see it all-parents who do not care, parents who care so much they can’t let their kid experience life or learn how to speak for themselves. 

OP, I’ve already told my husband that I’m sure there will be moments when I need to be checked about stepping back when it comes to our son. It’s totally natural to want to protect them (it’s actually quite an insanely strong instinct), but I’ve seen how kids are affected when they are their parents’ complete world. Keep your relationship alive and important, do what you love, make time for yourself. These actually help kids learn how to grow, become independent, and function on their own. 

Post # 28
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think, in general, it shouldnt ruin your life.  I think it depends on your personality though.  So far, my daughter is about 5 months old and I do pretty much everything I did before.  We still go out to dinner at our favorite restaurants, I just make sure I change and feed her before we go in.  I still have board game nights with my friends, I just bring her travel crib.  I still go over to people’s houses for dinner.  We are planning to take her with us on our family trip to florida next month.  My husband and I still cuddle, have sex, go for walks, work out, watch tv, play video games, etc.  I even still compete with my dogs in dog agility and go to the dog training center once a week.  I bring the baby with me, and my mom comes too.  We take turns watching the baby and competing with our dogs.  Maybe if I had a baby who cried and screamed all the time, I couldnt do these things.  But so far, I can. The only thing I don’t do is take her to movie theaters or loud bars.  

I used to be a special education teacher, and I do know that sometimes kids do have extreme needs that put a lot of stress on their parents.  But if you think of each other as a team, you should be golden.

Post # 29
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m the least maternal person around. I was also undecided on children for a long time, which is why we waited 4.5 years after we got married to TTC. DS is now seven months old. 

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard. He no longer sleeps through the night and refuses to sleep in a crib. And we don’t have any local family so we’re basically on our own (we’ve had three date nights since he’s been born). But he’s also the sweetest little boy. There are days I wonder what I got myself in to but I seriously can’t imagine life without him now. I had my first trip away from him this past weekend and it was hard. The days were fine because he’s usually at daycare, but I REALLY missed him in the evenings. 

Post # 30
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

I too wonder this sometimes. I have a friend, that has already had two kids and has no intention of stopping anytime soon, trying to convince me to get pregnant because her kids are amazing and your life doesn’t have to end when you have kids blah blah. She then ships her baby home with her parents every chance she gets and shouts at her husband, in front of everyone, to wipe their sons ass. This is not my idea of good parenting or a good relationship, sorry not sorry.

I don’t think your life has to end when you have kids but I do think you need to grow up and put your kids first. Depends what you want to do with your life I suppose. 

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