Post # 1
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We both have graduated college, have started our careers, and are both in our mid-twenties. I plan on going on farther in school and plan on attending physical therapy school next fall. Our situation is different in the fact that we lived together in college, but when we graduated, we moved back in with our parents to save up money. We loved living together and want to move in together again, but I am feeling hesitant because I would like to be engaged first before moving back in together. Last July, he told me that he already bought a ring for me. It has almost been a year now since then. I am confused and don’t know what he is waiting for. We have talked about marriage, kids, etc. before, which seems to be a positive, but I am starting to question if he’s serious about our future. I have been good with being quiet and have told him to take his time in the past, but back in January, I let it get to me because everyone else that I knew was getting engaged before us, even though we have been dating longer. It made my boyfriend feel pressured and I apologized after I realized I was wrong. Since then, I have been dead quiet about all wedding and future talk. I refuse to say anything more in hopes that he’ll propose in his own time. My question is, why would he tell me he already bought the ring and then hold onto it for almost a year? And if you are with someone for so long, then why not propose?
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I think it’s safe to ask him why he hasn’t proposed if he’s had the ring for a year. Tell him how that is making you feel.
Post # 3
I just find it sad that he claims to have had a ring for over a year, yet you are taking responsibility for making him feel pressured and saying you were wrong. Needing to have a fair idea about your future is NOT wrong, and if he cannot have an adult discussion about a realistic timeline, then he isn’t marriage material anyway. So please, sit him down and tell him that you love him and the relationship you share and that you see a future with him. But be honest and tell him that you will not waste another four years wondering if he feels the same way, and that you will need to move on at some point. It isn’t pressuring him to propose; it is being realistic about your future. If your boyfriend has no intention of proposing (or claims that discussing it is too much pressure), it is better to know now than after you are 30. These are things that adults talk about; they don’t just wait and hope.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2020 - North Carolina
This one is a bit tricky. You want to get your feelings out in the open and know what’s going on with him too. But you don’t want to make him propose if he’s not ready. I had a friend that had her bf propose because he thought she might leave if he didn’t. She finally did walk out after being engaged for almost 9 years. You need to have a real conversation. Let him know how you’re feeling. Also, gage his reactions. Ask him how he feels and try to put yourself in his shoes. But at the end of the day you have your life to live. Don’t let him string you along with or without a ring. But who knows? Maybe he didn’t propose because, like you said, so many of your friends were getting engaged and he didn’t want to take away from their moments or make you share yours. Either way, you guys need to talk. Good luck!
Post # 5
Here is what I thibk has happened. You are both young and neither of you seems to really know how engagement happens, is supposed to work. I think lots of people don’t really understand it.
Him- It seems that he is operating under the idea that he can go buy a ring but still not be ready to propose and get married. I think lots of men don’t really understand that you don’t take the step to buy a ring unless your ready to get married. You don’t propose until you legitimately would go out that moment and marry the woman. Engagement isn’t a time extentuon on your college essay, it’s you saying, right now- today- i am ready to be your husband. Obviously most people then plan a wedding instead of getting instantly married but you get the point. My coworker had a boyfriend who asked her dad for her hand then waited A YEAR before proposing and then ended up dumping her without proposing at all. He also was not understanding that you don’t ask a girls dad to marry her until you are actually planning to propose SOON. So I think you just need to spell it out for the guy. He says” I bought a ring already” you heard “I am ready to get engaged” and rightly so! You don’t buy a ring and sit on it, that’s some immature bullshit. Especially waving it in your face by telling you he has it?! Umm no. That’s super disrespectful and playing with you.
OP- I thibk you are operating under an outdated idea that the woman needs to shut up and wait for the guy to propose whenever he pleases with no input from you. You are basically teaching him with your lack of communication that your fine with Waiting on his schedule. But that’s clearly a lie because your ready to be engaged now. I get it, it’s scary to put your feelings out there and say your ready for a proposal, but it’s time. He is not the only person in your relationship. It’s not just his decision to get married, and no he doesn’t just get to waste your time. Right now your actions are telling him that your fine letting your time be wasted. Sitting him down and maturely and calmly saying to him, “ you let me know you bought a ring a year ago, I would like to be engaged in the next 2 months. That shouldn’t be a problem since you already have a ring.”
Bee it’s time for you to state clearly what you want. You aren’t asking for anything pushy. Why? BECAUSE HE ALREADY BOUGHT THE RING! someone not ready has no business buying a ring. So I say you call his bluff. You aren’t assuming anything he didn’t say was happening anyways. You can do this.
Btw I have a slight feeling he might have never bought a ring and just said he did. If you find out he didn’t in fact buy a ring but lied and said he did? Well that’s a whole other problem.
Post # 6
taylor95 : don’t move in. It is bullshit that he is claiming youre pressuring him. There is no reason you shouldn’t be an equal partner in this relationship and have every right to ask for marriage, and ask when/where he sees your relationship going. He has not proposed/ given you the ring (if he even really has one!) because he doesn’t *want* to commit. 4 years in, mid 20s, both have careers, he is dragging his feet. Since he doesn’t want to get engaged I would open up options to meet others. Don’t settle for crumbs and waste more years of your 20s in the hopes that he will eventually find you marriage worthy!
Post # 7
Could it be that he doesn’t want you to be living separately with your parents when you get engaged? Personally I would never get engaged to someone I wasn’t currently living with. But this is complete speculation. You need to talk to him directly. No one on the internet is going to be able to tell you what he’s thinking.
Post # 8
Stop apologizing for wanting to have an adult conversation about your own future, Bee. Your bf does not own your destiny.
We have heard the “pressure” crap 432,987 times. Is he a frail and delicate flower? A hothouse orchid? Will he wilt?
You have an unassailable right to know what his thoughts are and what his timeline looks like. Then you can determine if it syncs with yours. If not, negotiations commence.
Sure, it’s hard. It’s scary. It’s not comfortable. If you marry, you will have lots of uncomfortable conversations. Get used to it.
And, for gawd’s sake, do not let him feed you that giant sack of Bandini about how it has to be a surprise and it has to be speshul. That’s a Top Tier Stalling Tactic.
Grab control of your future back, Bee. Your bf is not doing a great job with it.
Post # 9
taylor95 : Like other bees have suggested, it’s time to break your silence. He told you he has a ring, it’s been nearly a year, not a month- it’s time to ask what the hell is going on and if he truly sees a future with you. If he thinks that having a mature conversation (when really, he opened the door for this by mentioning the ring) is too much “pressure”, then I think it’s pretty clear he’s not anywhere near being ready to engaged/married.
Please don’t be afraid to talk to him because you’re afraid of what you’ll find out, it’s better to know sooner than later that it’s time to leave the relationship.
Post # 10
Considering you’re not living together and you’re still in school, I think it’s perfectly understandable as to why he hasn’t proposed yet.
Talk to him…. you cant marry someone you can’t have an adult conversation with, so just go for it. Just find out where his head is at and what his timeline is. Or why not lay it all out there and flat out ask him to get married??
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
I understand where you are coming from. I know it is hard not to feel like you are adding pressure to him. But everyone here is right – it is ok to talk about your timelines and what you want and when you want it. He might have bought it during a time he felt ready and now is not anymore for other reasons. You will not know til you talk about it. If you feel like you are pressuring him, simply state how you feel e.g. insecure, need reassurance, was curious, etc. You just want to know where his mind is at and if it matches with yours. Sometimes these conversations are not as hard as you think they may be and if they are, they are worth having.
Post # 12
futuremrsmoore : “She finally did walk out after being engaged for almost 9 years”
This is actually horrifying.