Will he ever propose? Feeling resentful and sad while waiting

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You’ve talked about a timeline for the wedding, so why can’t you talk about a timeline for the engagement? The ship has sailed for a proactive surprise proposal on his terms and entirely under his own steam. If that’s the level of initiative you need from him, then unfortunately he’s just not that guy. Do you still want to marry him knowing that? Then set a timeline with him. And decide what you’re going to do if that timeline passes and he hasn’t proposed.

Post # 3
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

If you need to book a date with the church and they are already full until late 2020 I would bring it up to him. You need to set a date.

I have a friend who booked her dream venue before they were officially engaged. It filled up two years out. They had talked about getting married/future etc. and decided to book the venue and then he went and bought a ring after.

Post # 4
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Definitely bring this up. He says he wants to marry you so should have no problem openly discussing dates to book the church/ a definite engagement timeline. This is both of your futures and you should both have a say.

Post # 5
Member
3897 posts
Honey bee

Pushy? That’s a word men came up with to denigrate women who dare to encourage them to see reality.  It’s your future too! I dont know why this guy thinks he’s still in his 20s, probably because he hasn’t had to grow up much. Talk to him, no hints or oblique references, just be honest and tell him you are tired of waiting for something you’re not sure is going to happen. 

Post # 6
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

This might not be the proposal you wanted, but if he’s dragging his feet, you could propose. 

Post # 7
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

chloe2019 :  

<div>First, I hope you’ve learned that dropping clues gets you nowhere.  An adult conversation will always get you farther. No more dropping clues okay?  State what you need.</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Second, most venues book a year or two in advance so you need to plan accordingly.</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Third, like pp says why not get a clear timeline for a proposal.  Yes it involves another conversation but this time please be clear with him on what your expectations are.  State precisely what you need and expect and you and he need to come to an agreement.  Emotions need to be left out of this bee. You need to know exactly where he stands and how much more time he needs to be ready.  Breaking out in tears will not get you the honest answers you need so buckle up those emotions.  You also need to know what your dealbreakers are.  If he doesn’t want to get married within YOUR timeline what will you do?  You might need to have a walk date if the agreed upon timeframe is violated and you will need to enforce it.</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Note I did not mention ultimatums.  That’s because you don’t need them.  Your response should be based on HIS response.  If he tries to blow you off or says “don’t pressure me” then you need to rethink this relationship.  You have every right to know whether or not there’s a future and you shouldn’t allow one person to be the decision maker.</div>
<div> </div>
<div>This is where maturity steps in bee. You shouldn’t be afraid to have this convo.  If you are, then you are not ready for marriage.</div>
<div> </div>
<div>Good Luck (edited)</div>

 

Post # 8
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Don’t be afraid just ask. Calmly, and when you two are at home and have time to talk. 

You- I know we have talked about getting engaged, where are we with that? I’d like to be engaged by X month. How does that sound? 

Start there. Tell him the church is booked if you need to. But stand your ground. Don’t sit there and say nothing if he tries to tell you to just relax and let him do it, or that you are pressuring him, and don’t except any vague “it’s happening soon” crap. He tries any of that and you say, well we are past the timeline we agreed upon, the venue is booked up through that time frame which means we have to wait longer. I deserve to be a part of this decision as we are a partnership. I’d like to be engaged by X month. 

Post # 9
Member
8263 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

What they all said. Also do not take on board descriptions like pushy/nagging etc. And finally, let go of the idea that heaps of other women get thoughtfully planned perfect surprise proposals. 

There is nothing at all pathetic about sensibly planning venues etc. What is pathetic is languishing around waiting for a fairytale from a man who obviously doesn’t recognise hints etc. Most of them don’t you know. 

chloe2019 :  

Post # 10
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I think you should honestly just sit down and tell him that the church is getting booked out and you really expected to stick to the timeline you two had talked about prior. Ask him how he feels about proposing by a certain month, like other Bees have said, and tell him that you are ready to take the next step. If you are both happy in the relationship, and you didn’t mention that you weren’t, he shouldn’t have a problem accelerating his timeline given that you are both not in your early 20s and should be ready for marriage.

Post # 11
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I do find it a little odd that when you talked about getting engaged he said he would be fine waiting 3 years and then you both agreed to a wedding date only one year away. It just doesn’t seem like you came to a decision that was in the middle of what you both wanted.

Just ask him! “Hey babe, you know how we talked about a 2020 wedding, is that still the plan, it’s getting closer and venues and getting booked up?” Let him answer,  then ask “Is there any reason you haven’t proposed yet?”

When I asked the proposal question to Fh 2.5 years in he said, no, and then a day later said, honestly I need to know you are going to love the ring I get you and it’s exactly what you want so I need you to help pick it out. I was like I have rings on Pinterest, and he was like no. I need more than that. We need to go and you give me specific options. It could be he knows what styles you like but is overwhelmed with the whole picking process. We went, I was underwhelmed by everything as I don’t really care about jewelry but, we looked till I found a ring I actually cared about and he was so happy! 

Relax! You have the rest of your lives! You did the hard part, you found your person. It sounds like he does indeed want to marry you, so enjoy the journey and enjoy the last few months being his girlfriend. You arnt ancient. I got engaged at 29 and still had a year and a half engagement. We live together, we’re committed and love each other. Life and love is a journey enjoy it! Legally being his wife for 6 mo to a year more of my life, isn’t going to change anything. We have the rest of our lives together and wether we are legally married for 60 or 61 years no one will notice lol

Post # 12
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I think what you need to do is book the venue first, then pick out a ring together, then ask him to “propose” with it when the ring is ready.

First, a proposal should never be a complete surprise. You need to have mature, adult discussions about your mutual future. I am not a fan of “dropping hints.” Are you going to “drop hints” in every other aspect of life for fear of appearing “pushy”? Are you going to “drop hints” about what kind of home you want to buy with him, or how many children you want? That would be ridiculous.

Second, have you talked to your bf about whether he wants to get married in your church? These are things you can absolutely talk about before the ring. Fantasy wedding planning on your own and planning a wedding with someone else is completely different. For example, I NEVER would have dreamed of having orange and blue as my wedding colors, but now that my bf brought it up, I see the appeal! 

Third, I think you should book the venue first (after having agreed on a marriage timeline with him first) because your church is booking up fast. If you’re open to a Friday wedding, you may find something sooner. If you set a wedding date first and work backwards from there, that will put your mind at ease. 

Fourth, you need to realize that a lot of guys aren’t super proactive about rings and weddings and marriage. From the info you gave us, I see no reason to believe he is intentionally dragging his feet. However, you are secretly bubbling up with anxiety. 

Fifth, a proposal can be sweet and well thought out even if it is somewhat expected. It seems to me that you want your bf to want marriage more than you do, to take charge, and sweep you off your feet, but that’s not realistic. I strongly suggest you pick out the ring with him so you have a better idea of when the proposal is coming. By “proposal” I mean him giving you the ring in a way that is meaningful and thoughtful. Also, if he ends up picking out the ring alone and you don’t like it, you’ll prob be back here, simmering with guilt and resentment and disappointment.

You seem to want to be surprised, but you also can’t handle waiting. Can’t have it both ways.

Post # 13
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

My FH and I were in a relationship for 6 years. 5 years when I posted my first question on here. I was in a similar situation no proposal, just empty promises. But one thing you and I have in common is looking at rings. We did that and 6 months later he proposed. Men are slow sometimes. They dont see things the way we do. If you find my post almost everyone on there told me to leave him and that broke my heart. It was like they were saying your not getting your way? Leave. I love him and I’m glad I waited. My fiance woke up early one morning, went to the jewelry store and ordered it before I even got back home from my hair appointment which was super fast. He works out of town sometimes and he managed to order it, get my dad to pick it up, have my dad give it to his cousin right in front of me oblivious to it all and proposed on Christmas. If hes worth the wait, wait a little longer. You’ve expressed your concerns and wants. It’s his turn. Trust him to follow through. I hope everything works out!

Post # 14
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It doesn’t sound to me like he wants to be engaged, Bee.

1. He said he wouldn’t have even thought about it for another few years had you not first brought it up. That’s a sign that he hasn’t been thinking about it at ALL, and I actually call bullshit on the 2-3 years thing. I assume he just always assumed he’d get married in his mid-thirties but didn’t think very deeply about it, so when you said something he just threw those numbers out there as “what he thought” even though it was on the fly.

2. If he still feels like he’s in his early 20s, that’s just another clue that he doesn’t feel ready for marriage. There is nothing wrong with that; he’s allowed to feel however he feels about marriage. But obviously if you’re not both on the same page about it, that’s an issue. 

My advice isn’t to go setting venues, it’s to talk to him very honestly about whether or not he actually wants to get married anytime soon, or if he’s just doing this to appease you. 

Post # 15
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

chloe2019 :  

Grownups don’t hint about what they want.

Your bf does not own your engagement.

In a healthy adult partnership, relationship goals are an ongoing topic of discussion. Are you seriously ready to pledge your entire future to this guy when you don’t feel 100% comfortable talking to openly about your shared future?

I would suggest putting less energy into the trappings of a wedding and, instead, focus on improving communication.

I have to believe that in your belief system, authenticity is mandatory. Are you being your true and authentic self with your bf around the issue of marriage? Are you clearly stating your needs?  The timeframe with which you feel most comfortable?

Or, are you trying to calculate his probable reactions before you speak?

Ignore any advice that recommends tactical moves to shove him to the altar.  Try expressing your most authentic self and invite your bf to do the same.  Try to make it safe for him to do that, even at the risk of hearing something you don’t want to hear.

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