(Closed) Will he ever propose?!?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sit him down and have an honest discussion about expectations. Be sure you know what YOU want before you start.  Speak to him like a grown adult, be honest, be clear, and dont get upset.  If he does not want to propose, you cannot (and really shouldn’t) force him.  If you want to be married, you have the right to find someone who is like-minded.

I don’t ever think that someone should wait for someone else to provide their happiness or wishes.  You could very well be waiting forever.

Post # 4
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

That really sucks!! If he is going to propose to you it sounds like it is not happening in the near future.  I wasted 6 years of my life with a man who was not ready to get married.  I loved him, but I left him.  I’m not saying you should dump him…but I think you need to let him know how serious you are about your relationship progressing torward marriage.  Find out what timeframe he has for marriage…that might put your mind at ease. Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You’ve been living together for 3 years now and he gets defensive when you bring up marriage and tells you to “stop pressuring him”. Forgive me, but he sounds like kind of a dick.  I’m not saying give up, but he should be able to have a discussion about the future without feeling pressured.

How long are you supposed to wait anyway?  I agree with having a serious talk and prepare yourself mentally if you have to leave but hope for the best.  It’s always better to be proactive and take the future into your own hands.  You want to get married?  Get married.  If he’s not on board.  Oh well.  There’s someone else out there just waiting to meet you.  Good luck and I hope you can work things out:)

Post # 6
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

he will just give him time.  It took my FH 6 years he proposed May 28, 2011.  I had given up that it was never going to happen but it did he just needed to do it at his own time.  We have been living together for 5 years.  Now that he has proposed I’m the only one that is nervous he said that’s what took him so long and now that he did he’s ready.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Waiting longer isn’t the answer. “Stop pressuring” him? You’ve been living together for THREE YEARS. That’s more than enough time to know whether or not you are the one.

I’m not sure I’d break up with him at this point, but I really do think you need to move out. He is getting the milk for free, and you are letting him. If you were fine with that it’d be one thing, but since you aren’t, you need to stand up for yourself. It sounds like all of his needs are being met, and yours aren’t. It isn’t fair for you to continue giving of yourself indefinitely to someone who would let such an imbalance persist.

Post # 8
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but after three years, “stop pressuring me” is bullshit. Men say things like that to make women feel like they are doing something wrong by wanting to be sure they aren’t wasting their time. I have no patience for that. You don’t need to defend your asking him where his head is, and don’t let him make you feel like you do.

Post # 9
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

well for one dont feel like your not good enough because it sounds like this is his hangup. if he talks about marriage or tells you that it will happen one day and he loves you and doesnt want to be with anyone else and hes convincing than yes he probably does want to marry you one day. if he doesnt talk about it and only says that your pressuring him than he probably does not want to marry you. and i dont want to be harsh but why whould you want to marry someone that isnt chomping at the bit to marry you? thats not even a good start right there. it sounds like he’s playing house and doesnt want a real honest between you two and god and the state marriage. also DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH! 

Post # 10
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

women who end up getting married to someone theyve been with or been living with for several, several years are the exception to the rule. just wanted to throw that out there.

Post # 11
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@marriedtoagreatman: I dont know if I agree with that. I know lots of couples that lived together 2 or 3 years before getting engaged. I think 3 years is not exceptionally long in this case…a lot of younger couples wait longer and live together longer due to money, living situations, jobs, etc. Perhaps if you live together for a decade, yea, then I would say it is an exception. But nowadays, 3 years is not so long that all hope is lost.

All hope isn’t lost, OP. However, you need to sit him down and have an honest discussion. If he cuts you off and says you are pressuring him, and marriage means a lot to you, then maybe he is not the one. However, if he tells you he is scared that it will change things, etc, you can work through that. He needs to know how you really, really feel. Just asking him ‘Are we going to get married” is not having a talk…you need to let him know that this is not a joke to you and you need some real answers. Just remember to stay true to what is important to you…and if he is not willing to someday do what you need, I promise that there is someone else out there that will.

Post # 12
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@ soyjoy222 i meant couples that live together for 7 or 8 years. i guess i should have made that clear. my fi and i lived together for 2 years before we got married and no it wasnt all that long so i agree with you on that.

Post # 13
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am curious: OP, how old are you guys? I agree that a “stop pressuring me” reaction is insensitive and counter-productive, but if you guys had been living together since 18, you could both be 21.

IF that is the case and you are both still pretty young, I have a bit more understanding of his perspective. I was absolutely NOT ready to get married at 21, even though I had been with someone for several years and thought I would eventually marry them (I was wrong!). Maybe it’s not you he doesn’t want to marry, maybe he’s not ready for the institution at all and that’s where the pressure is coming from.

That being said, I still think it’s a reasonable discussion to have and that he needs to man up and talk to you about it, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that this definitely means he is NEVER going to propose.

 

Post # 14
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

You sound just like me about a year ago…After two years of waiting I wanted to see whether he was on the same page or not and I was sure I wanted to marry this guy.

Whenever I brought up marriage, or whenever I envied people with kids etc he got really pissed off and said I’m pressuring him. I think guys don’t like to be reminded so often -they want to do it in their own time. But for this to happen I think a good talk between you guys is paramount.

We did end up having this massive talk and I promised myself I will never bring it up ever again. No more awwwwws and ooooooooohs when seeing a baby no more crying when watching people get married on TV. I must say it was pretty hard because I wanted it so bad.I also tried to detach myself from him a little emotionally and found things that I loved to do so that I could get my mind off it. I did yoga, hung out with friends more and texted him less (we don’t live together). Essentially, I wanted him to miss me more than I miss him because I’m the more expressive one in the relationship.

Ok so another year goes by and he starts saying things like, “What kind of house do you want us to live in when we get married?” Inside I was going “We’re getting married??????????” but I acted all calm and cool 😉 and he often gave me hints like, “This is going to be our year” <– this comment is what really gave me assurance, some certainty which made me wait patiently. Without it, I dunno if I could’ve waited patiently. He bought the ring 10 days ago and I’m now patiently waiting AGAIN. sigh.

 So yeah, we had our bad moments and stressful times but he tells me he has been thinking of marriage a lot more frequently than I think. He just doesn’t express his feelings to me. And I think if we keep bringing it up, he will start to resent the whole thing and feel pressured. Make sure when you talk with him that this is something that is really important to you and I need some level of assurance so that I know we’re going to move forward eventually.

Oh, may I ask how old you guys are? I have a friend whose boyfriend is 22 and she is bringing up marriage like every week and he tells her to stop pressuring him…Think age is still quite important. My guy is 29 so that’s what probably contributed to his decision.

Good luck and wish you all the best!! I hope he realises how important this is to you!

Post # 15
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@marriedtoagreatman: Strongly disagree.  I have a number of friends that lived together for considerable amounts of time before getting married (and 4 were together for 8+ years prior to marriage).  Sometimes timing plays into this – some of these folks wanted to finish grad school first or other reasons.  But, they were on the same page so it was ok.

If you’re constantly asking, I can see him being annoyed, but on the other hand, if he constantly refuses to talk about it, I can see why you keep bringing it up – to have a conversation.  The “stop bugging me” comment is concerning.  The 4 years together – well, it depends in part on how old you are.

When is your lease up for renewal?  Maybe when that comes around you can use that to prompt a “where is this going conversation?” (Or even a “do you see yourself buying a house?  Oh btw, it’s impt to me to be married prior to that…”)  Do you talk about the future together?

Post # 16
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Just read the book “he’s just not that into you”. Don’t watch the movie, but read the book. You’ll find your answer there!

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