(Closed) Will I be engaged forever??? Wedding postponed indefinitely..OMG (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My fiance was really concerned about money too, and we decided to make the wedding as affordable as possible. Our total budget is $5000, and we decided that we have a buffer of $6000 in case something turns out more expensive then expected or we didn’t budget for something. So far, so good! What size budget are you working with? Have you discussed money? Maybe if you can guarantee it will be much less than the number he has in his head. he’ll be more liekly to set a date. 

I think things will be easier for you if you two agree on a date, plus, he needs to give you his half of the guest list!

Post # 4
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

From my experience, I will tell you that some men do not feel complete enough to get married until they are secure in a job making decent money.  I’m not saying all men.  But for some it’s really really important to them.  It doesn’t change what he feels about you and it doesn’t change the fact he wants to marry you.  But this is something for themselves that they just are very bothered by and consumed by.  Keep your love and keep supporting him in finding a job, it’s very tough out there and I’m sure he is feeling it especially with a daughter.  He is also probably feeling guilty and really really wants to work so you don’t have to so much.

Post # 5
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Usually men want good jobs so they can afford the after marriage aspects  of being the provider. 

But It appears you guys have already happily and sucessfully accomplished that as in you have a child raised comfortably as well as all your bills met and a living space.

Is there something else going on do you think more deep than “Money/Job” ?

Post # 7
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds to me like something more is going on with him. The “don’t want to get married until after I have a better job” argument loses all credibility after you guys had a baby.

Post # 9
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Elvis: I agree! After your have a baby, that reason just doesn’t work!

Post # 10
2892 posts
Sugar bee

If he had such an issue with marriage because of what he’s seen in his own family, why did he get ENGAGED? Engagement means you plan on getting married, relatively soon. It means you are comfortable with the idea and have found a partner you could be with. I’m sorry. But at this point, his concerns about failed marriages is a load of horse crap and comes far too late in the game. He already agreed to marry you. These are issues he needed to work out pre-engagement, not post.

Ok, maybe I’m being a little harsh. They are valid concerns. But he had a baby with you. He’s tied to for life already. You can make payments for things you can’t afford to pay for in cash. You aren’t planning on having a crazy huge budget and you aren’t inviting half the town. You’re already financially invested with the ring he bought you, the cost of having a baby, the downpayment for the old venue, the dress and whatever else you’ve bought.

There’s also nothing wrong with saving some money to pay for the wedding. None whatsoever. But that doesn’t mean you can’t set a wedding date. For example. It’s July, you set a date of July 2012. You now have a year to put money away, plan, etc. And I hate that he said you shouldn’t be planning because you don’t have a date yet? The problem isnt that you are planning. The problem is that he’s avoiding picking a date. Which is something I feel you really need to get to the bottom to.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been or how hard the conversation will be. Personally, I would find out why he chose to ask you to marry him if he wasn’t ready to marry you. That and if he’s able to share a life with you, have a child with you, live with you, be all but unofficially married to you, what’s the problem? Is he just nervous and doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings? Cause being nervous doesn’t mean you can’t get married.

Good luck. Sorry this was so long. Bit of verbal diarrhea. 🙂

Post # 11
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I apologize in advance if I sound blunt, but you are being way too nice and accommodating here. He’s been jerking you around for years and now you have a baby with him. Unless you want to live with ambiguity forever, then tell him you need to set a firm wedding date, stick to it or you are gone. He’s getting everything he wants: you work, take care of his baby and probably take care of him too.

This is not a healthy situation at all. You have a tough decision to make but tiptoeing around him and his mercurial moods is not going to make you happy. Be strong and I wish you luck.

Post # 12
17 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

you can’t base YOUR marriage on pointing out how long other people have been married. Jeez if I did that… lol

Post # 14
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with your Fiance – you never set a date.  I know a lot of men aren’t into planning, but not even agreeing on a date because he wanted to be surprised?  Something isn’t right.  He said this isn’t the time to get married.  I wouldn’t plan on it any time soon. 

Post # 15
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You need to put your foot down on this. If he isn’t interested in marrying you then maybe it’s time you and your little girl move on. He can still be a great dad while you are with someone who wants to give you everything you deserve.

He doesn’t sound like someone who has it all together. Let’s get engaged, plan a wedding, move said wedding back, move it back again, then say we never had a date, oh and wait..let’s have a BABY in the middle of all of that….but he’s not ready? Give me a break.

Post # 16
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yikes..I would have shoved all things wedding related down his throat.  You are definitely more accommodating than anyone I know (having to cancel plans like that..).  I don’t see how getting “married” would change anything especially when you already live together with a child. 

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