(Closed) Will I ever feel okay about it? Looooooong. Advice please!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@hellogoodbye123:  I’m so sorry to hear about your past expereience, that sounds very painful 🙁 Based on your description, I don’t think you should write off your reaction to sex as guilt over premarital sex. It sounds more likely that you have some trauma issues due to your prior experience. It’s normal to have that kind of reaction, but it’s probably not something that will automatically go away on your wedding night. I’d suggest using the next 5 months to work with a trauma counselor to help you explore and overcome the negative emotions you associate with sex. That doesn’t mean you have to have premarital sex with your Fiance, but hopefully you can work on getting to the point where you can really look forward to and enjoy that part of the wedding night 🙂

Post # 4
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you wanted or did say no to that creep 8 years ago, then what he did was rape and that kind of sexual experience, especially at a young age can have lasting trauma that isn’t always super apparent. I would suggest talking to a rape counselor because they know how to help you talk through and cope with what happened to you so you can go on to have a fulfilling sex life with someone you love, not someone who has pressured you into doing things you don’t want. 

Post # 5
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@chasesgirl:  I agree – at 14 you were pressured after saying it wasn’t a good idea by a 17 yr old.  This is rape.  This is not ok, and it is totally normal for you to be upset and have issues with it.  I think you should see someone, talk to them about what happened and try to come to some kind of terms with it so that you no longer associate sex with these feelings.  It won’t go away on its own and it won’t magically be better when you’re married.  You need to talk to a counselor or therapist about the sitiation.  Good luck, I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Post # 6
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@hellogoodbye123:  Have you had sex since that incident? 

Post # 7
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@hellogoodbye123:  Of course it has an impact on you. Your young sexualization (basically against your instincts) is now affecting your ability to view sex with someone you love as a GOOD and healthy thing. Have you considered counseling? Does your Fiance know?

Post # 9
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@hellogoodbye123:  I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist about this, I would guess that the event from when you were 14 caused some lasting trauma. I’m so sorry you are going through this! I hope you find answers soon. 

Post # 10
2383 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m so sorry this happened to you. 🙁

If you don’t feel guilty about all the other sexual things you’ve done with your Fiance, then I’m not sure that you’d feel any differently about actual intercourse. According to Christianity, even non-intercourse sex ‘counts.’

It sounds instead as though this traumatic experience you had at such a young age has deeply affected you- which is completely understandable. Fourteen is so young, and rape is traumatic at any age.

Like PPs mentioned, I would definitely recommend going to see a therapist. If you are particularly spiritual, it may be a good idea to see a therapist whose religious beliefs are similar to your own, so that you are not given advice that conflicts with your spirituality.

Post # 13
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If your fiance has put it inside you, even just once, then technically you’ve already had sex with him. There could be underlying issues that make you emotional and in that case you need to see a therapist and start getting those issues worked out so that they do not become a barrier between both of you in your future marriage. 

Post # 15
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with what everyone else saying that what happened to you was rape. Not only because you said “No” but also because of the age difference. It doesn’t matter that you walked away from it thinking “Well, that was my fault for putting myself in that situation,” the fact that you said “No” to someone and they went against your will anyway and used you sexually is still rape.

You wouldn’t believe how many survivors of rape blame themselves for what happened because society has taught us that rape is a masked man jumping you in a dark alley. In actual fact, upwards of 80% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, and many of them don’t involve violence. What happened to you was wrong, and you have ever right to feel hurt and confused about it. Even more so now that you’re in a safe place with your fiance and your brain can now take the time to process it fully. Not to mention, when your brain has taught you that “No” doesn’t work during sex (learned from your past experience), it can become really powerful when you find someone that it does work on. It seems like sex is something that you’re used to being out of control of, so even being able to say “No” and have it be listened to is a strange thing to come to terms with.

Clearly, what happened to you hurt you on many levels – no one starts cutting just for the hell of it, and the fact that someone you trusted betrayed that trust in such a cruel way when you were young isn’t something that people just “get over.”

I would suggest you try looking into rape support services in your area. There are some good lists here that might be able to help you (heck, the whole website is pretty handy – believe me!) http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?s=059ebe4717530eeec34fc2b6c8a440b5&showforum=42

Post # 16
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@hellogoodbye123:  I agree with those posting that you should seek assistance now from a rape counsellor. You have ‘tried’ to have sex with your Fiance by the sound of it and you are using the abstinence as a way of rationalizing your response. 

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