Post # 1
I really could use some honest straightforward advice on something I was thinking about tell my SO. Just a quick background: we’ve been together 5 years and I have no doubt he wants to marry me, and he has given me a timeline–but a part of me feels like he needs a wake up call to really get things rolling. Now, I have NEVER tried to make him feel bad or jealous and his happiness is truly more important to me than my own–and he is the same way with me.
BUT….recently my mother has been telling me about family friends who want to set me up with someone–basically these are suitors who are interested in getting married to me. Now in my culture that is totally normal but I have never gone for it and my mother knows that I HATE it. The fact that she brought it up made me really angry because I love my SO and would never be with someone else. My mother also likes my SO but she believes it’s never going to happen so that’s why she brought this up.
Anyway…there have been times that my SO has asked if my family has tried to set me up (because it’s common in our culture) and I always say no because I don’t want him to feel bad. But now I think, what if I were to tell him what my mother said? And of course I would also tell him how upset it made me and that I absolutely refused to discuss the possibility with her.
Do you think that would kind of give him a push–the fact that my own mother thinks I should start looking around? Or is this going to backfire big time.
Now my intention is NOT to make him feel bad but to make him see what I’ve been going through and maybe it will open his eyes and get him to really move things forward.
Any advice would be really appreciated!
Post # 3
I don’t think you should bring it up, but if he asks again you could tell him the truth. Especially since he’s asking and it’s common in your culture, there is no reason to lie.
I wouldn’t frame it in any context that he better “hurry up and propose” or you might entertain those other offers. That would not be good.
Post # 4
If he’s given you a timeline, why the additional pressure? Do you not believe he will stick to the schedule or are you trying to move up the timeline?
I would say that you know him best to understand how comments like that will make him feel. I would be worried that it may cause him to dislike your mom.
Post # 5
@KatNYC2011: Thanks. I would NEVER tell him that I would consider those offers. Rather, I want him to know that while he’s taking his time, I have to deal with all these things which make me feel HORRIBLE. And it’s not like I can give my mother any type of definite answer because I’m just as clueless as she is with regard to why he’s taking so long!!!
Post # 6
@Shirinjoon: Um, I’m not sure that I would go that route. Obviously SO is already worried or has given thought to the fact that your family might try to set you up with another man. So this is something that is on his mind. I feel like if you tell him it might backfire on you, and cause issues that don’t even need to be there or don’t even exist for that matter.
For instance, will he wonder, no matter how much you deny it, if you might really be interested in these other men? Will he worry that you might leave him and that would make him more suspicious of you and cause problems rather than make him want to pop the question?
Would it cause issues with SO and your family? Wouldn’t he feel hurt by your family’s actions of trying (after you’ve been together so long) to set you up with someone new? It might make family relations a little more than awkward in the future.
Just my opinion….
Post # 7
@Sking: Well, the reason I want to bring it up is because I don’t want him to think that I’m just calmly waiting around and everything is going so smoothyl . I want him to know what I have to put up with–maybe that will make him see that it’s not so easy to just wait.
Post # 8
i wouldn’t bring it up unless he asks again. honestly, it sounds like you telling him now would be kind of passive aggressive. you say he’s given you a timeline–were you okay with the timeline he gave you when he told you about it? it’s totally fine to speak honestly about your expectations and timeframe, but this sounds like you’re trying to play games to get him to move up the timeline in a way that isn’t very fair
Post # 9
@finnaroo: You’re right, it is passive aggressive. I guess I just feel so powerless that this was one way for me to assert any sort of control over the situaiton. But it’s kind of evil too and I could never hurt him that way! I just get so antsy sometimes that ridiculous thoughts take over me.
Post # 10
I think if you want him to know what you “have to put up with” and that it’s not easy for you, you should tell him those things. Directly.
Telling him your family wants you to consider other offers of marriage may not get that message across at all. If you’re upset about something, definitely confide in him, but I wouldn’t do it to make a point. He may take the point to be that you just want to get married (him or one of these other guys) and he is not special and the ONE for you.
Post # 11
IMO, guys get it, he knows that you are prob getting pressure from your family, which is why he wanted to discuss a timeline with you, that way its not just up in the air, instead you have an idea of when he will be ready to take the next step.
I think that by telling him this about your mom, he is going to prob view it as a bit of a threat (even if you don’t mean for it to look this way.) He’ll just read between the lines and think its a hidden message or “you need to get on it now or else.” 🙁
Post # 12
Also, if you have no doubt he wants to marry you, why can’t you give your mom a definite answer of no to these other guys?
Post # 13
But why don’t you want him to think you are waiting calmy? Is the timeline he hasdiscussed with you not satisfactory?
Post # 14
I think you could bring it up, but not in the way you presented it here – as a “here’s what my mom thinks and is doing” – no pressure, sweetie.
I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with him where you explain that while you know he’s expressed his timeline before, you want to discuss what reasons he has behind the timeline, because you’re ready now. As part of this conversation I think you could bring up that you are facing family and cultural pressures as well, which, while you don’t feel like those are reasons to rush into marriage, leave you feeling awkward because you’re not sure why your own relationship hasn’t progressed towards marriage yet since you feel you’re both ready. And see what he says.
Post # 15
@Shirinjoon: If you don’t tell him and he found out would he be upset? I realize thats not where you are going with this but just wanted to throw it out there.
If you do talk to him about it maybe approach it in as a joke like, you’ll never guess what my mum said the other day… can you believe what I have to put up with?
and at least that way he would realize that you have options even if you don’t want to use them
Post # 16
I don’t think you should tell him in a way to push him towards a proposal. Personally, if it was me I would tell my SO because we pretty much tell each other everything, but I would do it casually and without any pressure, just in a “hey this happened!” kind of way.
The PP have a good point about making sure it wouldn’t upset him to hear this. If hearing this will make him feel insecure about your family, I’d be cautious about telling him at this point. But I’d definitely tell him if he asks again because I wouldn’t want to lie about it.