(Closed) Will you obey your husband? (vows)

posted 8 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

haha, this one has came up in our premarital. I think that for our church, the wording is “honor and submit”. But our mentoring couple explained to us that for wives to “submit” to husbands, this required the husband to sacrifice their needs and placing the wives needs above theirs FIRST. Thus allowing the wives the joy of “voluntarily submit” to husbands’ wills according to the bible. Speaking in terms like that, what wife would not joyfully “submit” to their husband, knowing that the husband has/will sacrifice all for her?

Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I have to agree with your Future Sister-In-Law on this one. We are having that part omitted from our vows. He doesn’t get asked that question, so I should not be asked that question. If you want to keep the wording mostly the same, you could consider changing the “obey” to respect, but the choice is ultimately up to you.

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

whose definition of “sensible” are you using? lol

Post # 6
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Our justice of the peace threw in a line like this for our vows- my husband rolled his eyes. He knew it was never going to happen.

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hell no! Haha, just doesn’t suit our relationship. We are writing our own vows, though, so it wasn’t really an issue. 

Post # 9
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think the word “obey” adequately represents what you believe it to, Recessionista. I personally think it represents an unequal marriage where the husband makes the rules and the wife must obey… not exactly “property” but close. I would suggest the word “submit” as loveapril said. The principle of “wifely submission” can be found in the Bible, and when practiced correctly with the husband doing his part of thinking of his wife first in all decisions, it can be good for marriage and not bad for the woman. “Obey” is just not a very positive word and I don’t think the qualifiers of “sensible and pleasing to God” make it more positive. That’s my perception, though – you should do what is right for you and your Fiance. We are using the same exact vows for both of us, and vowing to respect and honor each other equally.

Post # 10
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

PS: Not to be all high and mighty, but you also shouldn’t vow something that both you and your Fiance don’t except you to carry out! πŸ™‚ 

Post # 11
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

lol @ danielle, good point!

Post # 13
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

That line will be removed from my vows. I might reconsider if he were to have to say it too πŸ˜‰ I’m all for a complete 50/50 relationship (although I know at different points in time that ratio will shift one way or another and back) and “obey” or “submit” just don’t go along with my line of thinking. (I will admit to not being religious at all, so I know this line is taken differently in a religious context).

Post # 14
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

In regards to obey vs. submit, I honestly agree that they are interchangeable and more traditional. I know that back in the day, it was much more normal for the man to make decisions about taking a job transfer, etc, without his wife having an equal say. I still see that in some marriages today – R’s aunt and uncle decided a move across states that way, and it’s just crazy to me. I couldn’t imagine not making that big of a decision together. 

If you have the type of relationship where you feel that you are truly partners, though – on 50/50, equal ground, not “separate but equal” line of thinking – then I would leave it out. Like another poster said, he doesn’t say it to you. 

But when you get right down to it, they are just words. They’re symbolic of your union, not the end-all, be-all marriage clause. If you use submit or don’t, it will not change your relationship. It’s just the general sentiment behind it that I find uncomfortable. 

Post # 16
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

absolutely not! majority of churches took that language out actually. only very conservative churches insist on keeping it in.

they are your vows, and technically you are saying them because you plan on upholding them, so if yall dont want to say them then leave it out.

for instance, we are leaving out “if anyone here, has any reason… that these folks should not be joined…” etc, because i dont want to risk haivng to beat someone down in the ceremony πŸ™‚

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