(Closed) Will you/do you still old text the opposite sex? Again, you've never dated…

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Will you/do you still text old friends of the opposite sex? Again, if you've never dated...
    Yes, my partner's okay with it. : (127 votes)
    86 %
    Yes, though it bothers my partner significantly. : (0 votes)
    No, because it bothers my partner significantly. : (5 votes)
    3 %
    No, because I don't feel it's right. : (16 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    926 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m someone who doesn’t find anything wrong with having one on one dinners with friends of the opposite sex, so I would personally feel very caged if my husband didn’t let me even text. To me, trust means not being bothered by stuff like that, so if these friendships are important to you, I would have a big discussion with your fiance before getting married about boundaries and expectations

    Post # 32
    Member
    6442 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I haven’t read you two other posts, but what is the point of this?  Either your Fiance is okay with this or not.  And one of you needs to decide what’s more important.  Yes it’s important to have friends, but you chose your Fiance.  So in a way you are choosing him over your friends.  I think his demand is very childish, but I am not a part of your relaitonship.  You have gotten lots of great advice from people, take it or leave it.  Stop beating this topic to death.

    Post # 33
    Member
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    It’s important to have boundaries that the both of you can agree on. Otherwise, there will be resentment on both sides.

    Post # 34
    Member
    7371 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    The day any partner of mine dictates who I can or cannot text.. is the day that pigs fly, hell freezes over and a bridge is on sale for $1. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    47188 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    What is your plan? Waving this thread in front of your partner’s face and telling them that 32 Bees agree with you? That’s not going to help. You need to talk to your partner.

    Post # 37
    Hostess
    9624 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

    musicalsteve82:  Well, then your fiance sounds naive, because an entire half of the population is the opposite sex. Are you supposed to live your life avoiding them and shunning them? Unless you’re texting inappropriate things, then what is the harm?

    Post # 38
    Member
    966 posts
    Busy bee

    I am not married but if I was I would still text/FB message/call friends of the opposite sex. I wouldn’t try and hang out with them as often if I’m in a long term relationship but I would try and see them once a year. Most of my opposite sex gender friends are long distance friendships. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee

    my best friend is a guy…we have been friends for about 15 years. I think it bothers my husband to a degree, but from the start of our relationship I made it clear that this person was important in my life (and posed no threat to my now DH). My best friend isn’t a big texter so we mostly facetime (usually once a month or so). My husband is understanding, although he never encourages me to facetime him like he does my girl friends lol! 

    Post # 40
    Member
    1244 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

    I don’t know about your history or the dynamics of your particular relationship, but at face value, your FI’s rule seems ridiculous. Think really, really hard about agreeing to being married to someone that controlling. Every relationships is different, and as long as you have pre-negotiated ruels that are agreeable to you both, whatever works for you works for you. But it sounds less like a negotiation than a royal decree, in your case.

     

    I still have friends of all genders and orientations. I text, email them, them I spend time with them without my Darling Husband – all in proportion to how good of friends we are, regardless of gender expression. Darling Husband does the same. The other night, a (straight, male, unmarried) work friend and I were leaving the office at the same time and decided to grab a drink at an awesome little hole-in-the-wall pub with spectacular draft options that we had both been wanting to try (about two blocks from the building.) We both have an interest in particular current event news topic, so for maybe 30 minutes we chatted and had a beer. At the bottom of the receipt, where the bartender put in the name for the tab (it’s usually either the name off the credit card, e.g. “Matthew”, or a neutral descriptor, e.g. “BlondeGreenDress”), he rang us up as “CuteCouple.” I thought it was hilarious and saved it to show my Darling Husband when I got home. He also thought it was funny and asked if he needed to duel my coworker with rappiers at dawn. Then we moved on to talking about other stuff.

    The point I’m trying to make is that relationships are built on trust. Everyone has their limits – I’d probably be not ok with Darling Husband planning a long beach vacation alone with an ex, for instance. But this early in the relationship, if you’re already fielding non-negotiable ultimatums (and don’t have a history of reasons for him to be distrustful), that strikes me as a red flag. You have to believe the other person has your best interests at heart, and vice-versa. Anything else is probably not a strong way to start a marriage.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2868 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    musicalsteve82:  Did he say you can’t email or talk on the phone?

    Post # 42
    Member
    3339 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    Why doesn’t he trust you to text them?  What does he think you’ll say/do?  This seems really odd to me.  I can text whoever I want regardless of age, gender, previous dating status, etc.  I also will freely share these texts with my husband should he ask to see them (which he never has).  I honestly don’t understand.  Does he not trust you with other things too?  Do you keep secrets from each other?  If you communicate open and honestly, this shouldn’t even be something either of you are concerned about.

    Post # 43
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I feel like this is a poll that should have an ‘other’ option with explenation. <br />I still text and talk to my male friends… even one that kissed me. I know- most would be like ‘yikes, nope.’  but he apologized to me, my fiance (complete with a look in the eye, a handshake and a real apolog) and we aren’t that close anymore- mostly text on holidays and congratultions about things, checking to see how things are. Beyond that- a lot of my friends were male before I met Fiance and he was VERY jealous at first, but we spent a lot of time talking it out.  Now he’s okay with most of them that he’s met, and the one’s he hasn’t met- we aren’t in touch with any more. I’m one of those ‘few close friends’ people, so if they are a friend- he’s met them.<br />Now him- he used to having all sorts of girls texting him and stuff at any hour and I was like, ‘oh honey… no.’ there are a few that I am good with, like him, and that works for us.  But there were a couple he learned the hard way, weren’t really ‘friends’ but wanted to be an option for him.  Once a girl makes an A$$ out of herself like that, he wouldn’t still talk to them.  I trust him to make the decision and if you can’t let him make the decision or have to pressure him to cut someone out- I feel like there is a level of distrust… I hope that makes sense?

    Post # 44
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee

    There’s not much context in your question, but here’s what I have:

    “My fiance says it’s not trust but principle;  married people should not text people of the opposite sex.”  — Depends on your views of the world. I strongly disagree with this, but know of extraordinarily religious people who live their lives in a social network where this is the norm. I can only speak to my modern, secular culture in which I think that’s a crazy thing to say, but what’s important is that you both want the same things out of life and your relationship. If you can’t reach a decision on this together, you’re in for a rough life.

    My fiance and I both text friends or coworkers of the opposite sex and if he asked me to stop I would see it as controlling and refuse. For context, neither of us has ever cheated (thankfully), and these are not “exclusive” friendships — there’s no hidden emotional intimacy, and communication is not constant. My good friend is in Germany, and when I’m skyping him and my fiance comes home he joins the conversation, and they’re FB friends and message sometimes. They’re looking forward to meeting when my friend comes to visit us. I think it’s great that they’re also becoming friends.

    What would be worrysome is if an engaged person say, spent hours at night texting a friend of the opposite sex while his partner was right next to him, lied about the friendship, and clearly prioritized it over the relationship.

    Normal texting and friendships are fine. I would only worry if I felt excluded or like he was hiding things. He is very clearly an engaged guy and everyone he interacts with knows it, so I don’t have concerns.

    The topic ‘Will you/do you still old text the opposite sex? Again, you've never dated…’ is closed to new replies.

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