Post # 1
So I posted about two weeks ago about a toxic relationship I have been in for about seven years. Long story short, this guy is an immature person with emotional issues, two DUIs, and nothing really going for him, which he blames on me. I have given him more chances than I should have these last six months. It all went completely sour when he out of the blue decided we should get married, called my dad, who in turn called me because I haven’t “dated” this guy in four years. It was a mess! I mean a complete mess. And for six months I have been a victim and have fallen on my knees begging for him to have me back. Seriously. I, who has so much going for me from an awesome job, new apartment, great life, want a loser back that lives in a shit hole, works a crappy job, and has anger issues. I don’t get why this hurts so much! I mean I feel it’s partially because he was a major part of my life in college (which really was the best time in my life, it very much changed who I am as a person.) So I remember all these good memories, and then I feel as if I am the crazy one, and that I drove him to be abusive. Yes I know I probably need therapy because of it. But now also he is dating someone else, and I have just this horrible taste in my mouth. What if she changes him? What if it was me that was in the wrong and made him act like that? What if I caused his depression? The last time I spoke to him was two weeks ago and he was so condescending on the phone, he was an asshole! Talking down on me, “telling me I was too little too late.” I have portrayed myself as a sad pathetic person that needs him back, and I don’t know how to take that back. I mean I can’t, but I wanted to go out with a bang. He unfriended me on facebook, he walked away, and it should have been me. I don’t know what to do now. Part of me wants to text him, and tell him how much I hate him. Another part of him wants to tell him that I went out with one of his best friends while we were broken up. I know they are not good things to do, but I want him to feel how much he hurt me. It’s immature, but I have never had a break up like this. Why does he get to walk away smug, knowing I am hurt? It should have been me. And worse of all we are both going to the same wedding in November and I know he will be an ass to me. I feel like I need to do something else, I want him to know that I don’t need him and that I am going to find someone else that will respect me. He is so delusional, and I have this awful feeling that he will be back at some point. Maybe then I will have my moment, but it sickens me to think that I, who did nothing wrong, has to sit here while he is with someone else, and I am lonely to think of the happy times and doubt myself…
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
ispeakree : Don’t. Just, don’t. Spend the energy you are wasting on obsessing over this to find yourself a therapist. You were hurt and probably have some relationship PTSD. You need support to refocus on taking care of yourself and finding your center again.
You won’t achieve closure, you won’t feel liberated, you’ll just feel shitty and expose yourself to the opportunity for him to lash out and hurt you some more. Plus, anything you say will just give him more satisfaction knowing you’re still so caught up in what’s he’s done.
November is a long way off. You can spend the time between now and then getting over this, so that seeing him at this wedding won’t phase you. Or, just consider not going. If he’s really that toxic for you, you should be wise and spare yourself that confrontation.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I’ve always heard that the best “revenge” was living a good life, so go out and do that. Don’t focus all your energy on someone who didn’t deserve your efforts then and most certainly doesn’t deserve your effort now. You can’t make him care that he hurt you. He either cares or he doesn’t, and it looks like he doesn’t. Just focus on what you need to do to be happy in your own life.
Post # 4
MiniMeow : I came here to post that quote!!!
But seriously, the best revenge really IS a life well lived. The very best thing you can do for yourself (and simultaneously show him how little he means to you) is focus on YOURSELF.
Turn all this energy you’re directing outward at him and his new girlfriend inward at yourself. Work on healing yourself, work on continuing to improve yourself. Work on getting yourself to such a healthy, high-up place that getting over him is just one incosequential side effect of you becoming more and more amazing every day.
Post # 5
The problem with assholes is they are assholes. They have nothing to lose, so you can’t “win”.
The only way to win is not to play the game.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
Also, revenge is like a poison you swallow hoping the other person will die. Don’t play the game. Both cups have iocaine powder. Get up from the table and walk away.
Post # 7
Focus on living your best life, meet new people, and enjoy the rewards of your good job and great apartment. I *promise you* when you meet someone who sparks your interest, you’ll flip like a switch and be like “my ex, who?”. In an instant, you won’t remember why the hell you were interested in an ass in the first place.
Our brains are cruel and play tricks on us. The ONLY reason he’s still on your mind is because he’s the last person your brain got attached to. That’s it. Hold onto hope for the moment you meet that better man who’s worthy of you!
Post # 8
Thank you everyone! I know I need to move on, it just sucks that I came off as weak when I am not. I know meeting someone else will help, but I feel like I’m not ready for that yet.
Post # 9
ispeakree : the BEST way to “get back” at him is to not care.
The best thing for you is to genuinely not care, but that will take time. Next time he looks your way, if you are detatched and doing your thing, and doing great, it really will be a win-win. Win because you’re doing great and moving on, and rocking doing you, and win because he’ll see that and wonder how on earth you could be thriving without him!
Post # 10
YES to what everyone has already said.
Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing you’re still hurting and angry, he doesn’t deserve an ego boost. I know you’re in a tough spot right now but he doesn’t need to know that. Telling him how much of a POS he is won’t accomplish anything. Just focus on yourself, focus on healing and moving on with your life. He’s the one who is missing out, not you.
Stay strong, you got this
Post # 11
Stop being crazy pants.
The best “bang” you could give to show him he nothing is to move on with your life and be happy. Anything else is just showing him how wrapped up in him you are, this includes telling him you hate him and slept with his friend.
Post # 12
It sounds like your pride is hurt more than anything.
The hatred and feeling the need to contact him will eb and flow until you don’t even think about him anymore. Don’t let it consume your thoughts and live your best life moving forward, because no one has time for a loser like that!
Post # 13
A few observations. He doesn’t have ‘anger issues’. He is an abuser.
You did not *make* him abusive. You aren’t that powerful. You can’t depress people either.
Sure, go ahead and text him all about how much you ‘hate’ him. It’ll be great. For him. You will brighten up his entire day. Just the thought that he is so much on your mind and triggers such strong emotions in you will make him feel very satisfied. It goes along with the personality disorder. Positive attention, negative attention, doesn’t matter. He just needs attention and to feel powerful.
For the record, *hate* is not the opposite of love–indifference is.
Read the Carnes book. Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft.
Yes, he may well resurface sometime. Many of them do. As long as you keep feeding his ego with your intense feelings, why should he not come back around for some more? You can be part of his little harem.
Stop feeding his ego. Focus on yourself.
Post # 14
What do you hope to acheive by maintaining contact with him at all? He’s absolute trash, you’ve become totally nuts being around him all these years, and you are both toxic as hell for one another. So why not just disappear completely from his life? Why not erase him from yours? Move on. Get some help. Figure out what makes you happy and healthy again. You don’t need revenge. You don’t need to know what he’s up to. He doesn’t need to know what you’re up to. He needs to be DEAD to you. A non-entity. I kinda feel like at this point your sanity depends upon it.
Post # 15
MiniMeow : She’s right. I was with my college boyfriend for years, we got engaged then it all went south and I felt humiliated, hurt, a lot of the things you are feeling now. Felt like he was looking great with a new girl while I looked pathetic as he went on to have this wedding that everyone was talking about. He even had my 2 close friends as his attendants that I was going to have as bridesmaids.
one day a friend of mine told me that most men weren’t fit to kiss the hem of my skirt, so just remember that when I felt bad that my ex wasn’t around anymore. I concentrated on myself, doing things that he didn’t enjoy, and just had fun. I’m preparing to celebrate 18 years of marrige while he is on his 2nd marriage/relationship after splitting with the woman he married in the ceremony I mentioned above. Apparently that relationship didn’t last long. Said ex tried to come back to be at least twice until I told him to go away and never come back. From what I hear his life is not the happiest. it is hard to have someone you love no longer there, but eventually you make new memories and a new life that doesn’t include them and it really does get better.