Bee, I hope you can hear this in the spirit in which it is given—genuine concern for your well being and for the sanity of the rest of the Hive. Your posts have been very taxing and demoralizing to many of the Bees. They, mostly women, take time out of their days to read your War and Peace-esque epic threads, which is an endurance test, if nothing else. To make it more frustrating, all of your posts essentially say the same things.
But, we’re a hardy bunch of Bees. So we take our turns responding to you, hoping this time you’ll finally Get It. Just this thread alone represents a staggering amount of time invested in trying to help you. The ranks of Bees willing to attempt to reason with you will begin to shrink. People just get sick of this shit.
Your posts are purely speculative and ruminative, but you live your life as if they were absolute truths. What’s he going to do? He’s going to do exactly what he’s been doing for the past eight years.
And even he may be getting wobbly with that, based on his complaints about your ‘meanness’ toward him. What does he mean by that?
He’s essentially conditioning your imaginary future on your behaving properly. Maybe you can learn some tricks, like a seal at Sea World. The irony is, he doesn’t mean a word of it. This is just strategy for keeping you under control. You can be as angelic as you wish. It won’t matter.
And, in spite of the complete dearth of indicators, you’re carrying on about future children. Bee, that is not reality.
. . . if we were married and all that I could recognize the good in him . . .
This is truly concerning, Bee. You’re thinking is that if he would just give you this marriage thing, your relationship problems would magically evaporate and take your many years of resentments along.
What I see here, Bee is not love. On either side of the equation. You have developed a dependency relationship that is based on unmet needs, not on being to whole, healthy adults.
Know this, Bee, if nothing else. Someone who truly cares about you, who loves you, would be concerned about your future security and do what is in his power to see to it. It’s not the most romantic topic. But, it’s a big part of grownup love. This why couples typically buy life insurance on each other. For many, men in particular, the thought of the women they love having to do without is unbearable.
We don’t really know much about your bf, but I think it’s safe to say that he is dependent on you in a number of ways.
And as for you, Bee. You’re well past dependent. You are obsessed. That is never healthy. You have made this relationship the center of your universe. You have set yourself up for a terrible fall if it does end. How much energy do you devote on an average day to thinking about your bf or your relationship? As a percentage of your day, how much time?
This is really ugly, Bee. What have your past relationships been like? Your parents’?
Again, I reiterate in the strongest possible terms that you seek therapy, stat.
You don’t have to make a decision to stay or go today. Just make a decision to get some professional support for yourself.