Wish I didn't have to update.. Anyone relate or understand these feelings?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee

You totally changed the story. First you said he is for sure proposing, but it’s up to you if you stay or walk. NOW it’s he’ll propose BUT IF HE DOESN’T he’ll understand why you walked away.

How could it get any more clear? He’s not going to propose!!!

Post # 122
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You do realize that not making a decision is a actually making a decision, right? You have decided that for 8 years this is what you wanted. Either make peace with the fact that this is going to be your life for the rest of your life (please, stop deluding youself that he will ever change once XYZ happens. Once things “calm down”, he will come up with some other reason like “now it’s time to expand”). 

Or decide, this isn’t the life you want and leave him. 

You come on here hoping one of us will come up with a way to either 1) change him into the guy you want him to be or 2) tell you a pain free way to leave him.

Either decision, stay or go, will involve pain. Either the pain of staying with a guy who will always put work first or the pain of going into the unknown. Which painful path will get you the future you want? Once you decide that and only then can you move forward.

And what everyone here is trying to tell you is: if you leave him, you will go through imense pain, but come out the other side better, stronger and happier. If you stay with him, you will go through small amounts of drip-drip pain and endure years and decades of pain and end up sad and bitter. 

Post # 124
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok then bee. I guess my question at this point would be: what do you need to happen for you to feel like you can finally make a decision one way or the other?

A pp said it perfectly…you have two choices before you, both of which entail pain. There is no option here that will result in a painless outcome, short of your boyfriend waking up with a different personality tomorrow morning. Leaving your bf would reesult in acute short-term pain but would give you the hope of a very happy future. Staying with your bf will be more of the dull, persistent aching type of pain. Mild enough that you can put it out of your mind from time to time, but nevertheless always there, for the rest of your life.

Post # 126
Member
11339 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
girltalk300 :  

Bee, I hope you can hear this in the spirit in which it is given—genuine concern for your well being and for the sanity of the rest of the Hive. Your posts have been very taxing and demoralizing to many of the Bees. They, mostly women, take time out of their days to read your War and Peace-esque epic threads, which is an endurance test, if nothing else. To make it more frustrating, all of your posts essentially say the same things.

But, we’re a hardy bunch of Bees. So we take our turns responding to you, hoping this time you’ll finally Get It. Just this thread alone represents a staggering amount of time invested in trying to help you.  The ranks of Bees willing to attempt to reason with you will begin to shrink.  People just get sick of this shit.

Your posts are purely speculative and ruminative, but you live your life as if they were absolute truths.  What’s he going to do?  He’s going to do exactly what he’s been doing for the past eight years.

And even he may be getting wobbly with that, based on his complaints about your ‘meanness’ toward him.  What does he mean by that?

He’s essentially conditioning your imaginary future on your behaving properly. Maybe you can learn some tricks, like a seal at Sea World. The irony is, he doesn’t mean a word of it.  This is just strategy for keeping you under control.  You can be as angelic as you wish.  It won’t matter.

And, in spite of the complete dearth of indicators, you’re carrying on about future children.  Bee, that is not reality.

 

. . . if we were married and all that I could recognize the good in him . . .

 

This is truly concerning, Bee.  You’re thinking is that if he would just give you this marriage thing, your relationship problems would magically evaporate and take your many years of resentments along.

What I see here, Bee is not love.  On either side of the equation. You have developed a dependency relationship that is based on unmet needs, not on being to whole, healthy adults.

Know this, Bee, if nothing else. Someone who truly cares about you, who loves you, would be concerned about your future security and do what is in his power to see to it.  It’s not the most romantic topic.  But, it’s a big part of grownup love. This why couples typically buy life insurance on each other.  For many, men in particular, the thought of the women they love having to do without is unbearable.

We don’t really know much about your bf, but I think it’s safe to say that he is dependent on you in a number of ways.

And as for you, Bee.  You’re well past dependent.  You are obsessed. That is never healthy. You have made this relationship the center of your universe. You have set yourself up for a terrible fall if it does end. How much energy do you devote on an average day to thinking about your bf or your relationship?  As a percentage of your day, how much time?

This is really ugly, Bee. What have your past relationships been like? Your parents’?

Again, I reiterate in the strongest possible terms that you seek therapy, stat.

You don’t have to make a decision to stay or go today. Just make a decision to get some professional support for yourself.

Post # 127
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

This is definitely a hard one. I know because I was in almost the exact place you were. My boyfriend and I were together 7+ years before getting engaged. Although work/life balance wasn’t the issue, there were other things that made me have the same sort of resentment toward my boyfriend that you have toward yours. We even tried taking breaks too. Long story short, before the last break, I was completely honest with him that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have this for the rest of my life and cut him off completely. Before the break, I told him everything that I felt was not OK in the relationship and told him exactly why I didn’t want this for the rest of my life. Then I moved out. I even starting dating again.

It was hard for both of us at first but when we felt we could talk again without bringing up old wounds we tried to be friends. He did ask to get back together but I stood my ground and reiterated everything that I said when we broke up. So instead of verbally trying to convince me he changed, he actually showed me with how he acted and treated me. I made sure he understood that we were just friends now and that it was probably too little too late, but he persisted.

Ultimately we did get back together but not without some ground rules first. I told him exactly how the relationship needed to be and told him there were no second chances (and I meant it). I also didn’t take him back right away. We did some trial dating again so I could make sure this was real and not just a temporary change. That was about a year ago and now we’re engaged(!), however I realize that’s not typical. People don’t change is a cliche for a reason.

My advice to you is to do some soul searching and to find your own self worth. You deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling and that could just be a relationship with yourself. Everyone deserves to be a top priority in their relationship and if they’re not, they have a right to demand to be. Why be in relationship if it doesn’t make you overall a better, happier person? Time is precious. Do you really want to spend it mulling over a lack luster relationship and always day dreaming about “what if”? Trust me, it’s not worth it. You have to live YOUR life.

Sorry for the novel but your post really resonated with me. Best of luck!

 

Post # 128
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
sassy411 :  You have spoken so greatly for the hive through this Great Depression. Please, and I mean this…TREAT YOSELF! 

OP I’m almost 100% sure your boyfriend is going to be much happier once you finally (hopefully) end this relationship. He is waiting and waiting for you to do it. I promise you he will do the back n forth I love you and care about you blah blah bull shit but then it’s going to dawn on him once you’re gone, how happy he is. Make all the excuses you want about how great he is. He’s not. A business that doesn’t get off the ground within 5 years is almost certainly going to fail (as it already is). He will not have kids with you. Normal healthy people in relationships don’t have to freeze their eggs, ALONE no less, and gamble whether or not their partner will have kids with them. This is all so so very exhausting. See you next year. 

Post # 130
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

After all this time and heartache, he needs to put up or shut up. Promising to propose by the end of the year and get married next year would have been fine, years ago. Now, it’s worth nothing. If he wants to marry you, he can propose tonight, or you can go together to buy a ring and start planning your wedding, or go to the courthouse. Unless he was willing to do that, I’d leave.

Post # 131
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

Im going on with my novel again and I know you will just rip it apart but all I have been hoping for are just some words of courage and advice that you can relate and understand why this is such a difficult choice.. and I know it’s hard not literally seeing and knowing the situation first hand but believe me I am trying to come to terms with why I have such a fear of letting go but of also staying.. I know I can’t go on this way for longer tho. Trust me I do. And thank you and everyone for putting up with these posts and helping me even if it’s in a blunt harsh way.. I know it’s what I need to hear. 

I’m done with your posts. You are the constant victim and  martyr. A professional-grade navel gazing emotional vampire. You’re exhausting. You’re entirely wrapped up in yourself to the point that it’s actually concerning. Entirely myopic and attention-seeking. I’m actually starting to feel bad for your BOYFRIEND at this point. I don’t know if he’s driven you to this, or if this is part of your personality, but it’s exhausting and draining.

Post # 132
Member
9976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
girltalk300 :    Why do you feel guilty?  Because you’re becoming aware of your part in the breakdown of the relationship?  Do you honestly believe it will get better?  

I think you should cut your losses.

Post # 133
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper

There are none so blind as those who will not see. 

Post # 135
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee

OP, please go see a therapist. You need to get to the bottom of why you put up with this for this long and why you continue to talk yourself in circles. The bees have given you amazing advice for the last two years and yet here we are. I am not sure what else we can possibly do for you at this point.

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