Post # 1
I’ve written a few posts about the insane amounts of stress we’ve had to deal with during our year of being engaged: both families threatened not to come because of their issues with the priest/church, FI was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, and most recently, FI had a breakdown. During the breakdown, he was suicidal and wanted to call off the wedding because he didn’t want me to have to marry someone who was so messed up physically and mentally.
When we were going through the rough time, I reached out to my mom and my sister for support. I was a mess — crying hysterically and just so sad that my FI was suicidal. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry someone who was so unstable.
Obviously, it was super sucky. We worked our way through it, and we’re both going to therapy (separately for now). Our relationship feels good now — in some ways, we’re back to how we were pre-crisis: we’re happy, we love each other, we laugh constantly, and we’re being very good to each other. In some ways, it’s better than it was before: we understand each other better, our communication has improved a lot, and FI has accepted (and is proactively dealing with) his Crohn’s diagnosis.
The problem is that now, my family is very against us getting married right now. They want us to wait for a time when we’re less stressed, and a time when everyone can be happy about the wedding. I feel like I can be happy about it — FI and I have restarted planning on our own. But my family won’t hear of it. They want us to postpone, and I’m so bummed that they can’t see what I see: we struggled through a difficult time, and we still want to commit ourselves to each other. In my opinion, the wedding is kind of a celebration of us getting through a really stressful time.
My sister says that I’m in denial about how much stress I’m under. I do still feel sad, but I want to marry him. I want to be his partner, and he feels the same way.
Bees, do you think I’m being unreasonable? Am I in denial? Should we postpone? Is it possible for my family to get excited about the wedding again?
Post # 3
That is a lot to deal with in a year and not a lot of time to come to terms with it all and really accept it all.
You will know what you want to do and what you think its best, but from what you told me I would have the same reaction as your parents. Someone doesnt get over being suicidal in less than a year (its been a year total so the breakdown was what? 6 months ago?), in addition to being diagnosed with a disease and having a breakdown. Therapy for /anxietydepression takes time and patience.
Wedding planning is stressful and could cause the anxiety to come back full force again if your fiance doesnt have all the coping mechanisms needed yet.
Post # 4
@likelimeade: thats a tough one, sometimes it is hard when we share a lot with other people for them to distance themselves from that knowledge even when things get better. Dont get me wrong as what you did by sharing with them was right so they could support you but maybe they are scared for you even now. You need to do what is right for you and your FI. You cant make people be happy for you, I know it hurts, we dont have support from FI’s family as they dont really celebrate marriage etc so they are completely unexcited or and are not supportive in any way. They are possibly not even coming (and we get on very well with them with all other things), I understand that lack of support is a downer.
Post # 5
@ThreeMeers: Yeah, it is really fast for him to appear “over it.” His crisis was actually less than a month ago, so I know it sounds ridiculous that things can be good again now. He’s struggled with depression for a lot of his life, and this is the second breakdown I’ve seen him have (throughout the course of our seven year relationship). What gives me hope is that he really wants to change, and he is actively seeking help (from his family, from friends, and from counseling), whereas after his first breakdown (about 5 years ago), he didn’t get any help or learn any coping strategies.
To be honest, I am nervous that he will freak out again before the wedding. He has promised me over and over again that he is committed to our wedding, our relationship, and life. I feel like I love him so much that I am willing to risk another possible breakdown, even though he has assured me that it won’t happen again.
Post # 6
If you were my sister, I would definitely think a month is too soon. I think you need to give yourself stress-free time to recover. I agree that your marriage is a celebration of your success in various parts of your relationship, but wedding planning, especially so close to the wire, is very stressful and you may be tempting fate if you putyourselves in a stressful situation so soon after a breakdown.
That being said, if you are rested, relaxed and ready, I think you should do what feels best. I’m sure your family will still be there for you on your day, even if you do not pospone your wedding.