- 8 years ago
about this forum a long time ago!
Hello- My name is Monique and I have been with my SO for about 3 years now. I am 26 and he is 31 and we have one son together who is 3 months.
We met and dated back in 2008 but got exclusive in Ferbruary 2009. Shortly after that we discussed babies, marriage and etc. and he moved in with me in August 2009. Then we decided to TTC (pushing the cart in the wrong order) as we both weren’t in a rush to get married but didn’t want to put off kids any longer as I already have a soon to be teen daughter and he had no children. I knew he was the one and wanted to have children with him but could wait on the marriage part. I ended up getting pregnant twice in the fall of 2009 but miscarried (one of which was a molar pregnancy) and at that point I started rethinking on putting off getting married. Molar pregnancies can be life threatening and I had to hava D&C in November to rid of it and I figured if I was going through all of this trouble to give him his first born, the LEAST he could do was step up with the marriage plans (he origially wanted to wait until 35, which I was upfront on not agreeing to).
So started the discussion after last Christmas of getting engaged. I didn’t mind having a long engagement but I wanted something official between the both of us plus I was still grieving over the molar so I felt an engagement would help me look forward to the future, our future. He brought up every excuse in the book, many of which was valid but one thing he couldn’t do was tell me exactly on a time frame on getting engaged, which then had me rethinking the whole relationship. I mean if a guy can’t tell you how he feels or what he wants, then what are you exactly doing together? We spoke about buying a house together, getting a dog and etc. but he just like froze when it came to the engagement and beyond talks. I told him that I wasn’t buying a house with him without a ring and etc. but he continued on with those talks and said nothing about the ring. A few weeks later, we find out I am pregnant for a third time. Now I should mention, back in April 2009 he got laid off from a good job and he was holding out hope they would call him back. They never did so around the time of my D&C, he had to start job searching as the unemployment was running out. He found a job making considerably less than what he is use to but again he still held out hope for a raise once his probation passed. Around April 2010, he had what I called a mid-life crisis once he realized the raise wasn’t coming- started hang out with his friends until 3 AM, complaining about the house being messy even though he was the one there the most playing Call of Duty. Many friends told me that he might just be panicked over the baby since this time I didn’t miscarry but I was becoming annoyed and frustrated. What took the cake was that he was then unable to help with the bills because his finances couldn’t handle paying his portion of the rent. No marriage talk, I am paying for bills and etc., he is staying out with his friends all night/ spending no time with me on his days off- I sent him packing to his moms so that he could reevaluate everything.
We kept in contact, tried counseling and shortly after the baby was born, he came back to my house to stay as he wanted to be with his son. We discussed our relationship and agreed that we want to be together- but I explained to him that he is not going to move back in with me until we are engaged and he is able to pay his portion of bills. His clothes need to stay at his moms house, etc. Well all of those engagement excuses now disappeared except that he can not afford a ring. I explained to him that I don’t need anything expensive and we could always upgrade later. Plus, he would be receiving a lot of money back from his income tax refund and he could use that. Slowly but surely he starting warming up to this idea of getting engaged, then married. Now he teases me about being his wife and etc. and that definitely has taken the edge off of the waiting, even though I am still semi going crazy. We went ring shopping at a few different stores and we settled on a round brilliant with bead set band. A bit pricey but again, he could use the refund to buy it so it doesn’t affect him much. I am thinking he is going to buy a cheaper ring just to make the engagement official as we have some time to wait for the other ring.
I wish I knew about this board a year ago because as things are calm now- I was having a lot of drama back then and can totally relate to many of you ladies, especially the ones in limbo. I know I am not out of the woods yet but I do have to say talking to him, explaining to him my engagement time line and showing him that I was ready to move on if he did not want to get married really set him straight. I love him and care for him but going through all I went through, it only made sense to start on marriage now and complete our family. He can’t have his cake and eat it too and I was definitely going to stop him from doing that.
As I said before, I am not out of the woods as we are not officially engaged but things look very promising as he is more open to the marriages talks. My deadline to have an official engagement is March of next year and I think he is going to make that. So until then, I am here with you girls, waiting!
oh- and the date above, they are making us put in mandatory wedding dates for some reason even though I have listed myself as unengaged. No clue why but no dates have been set on anything.