(Closed) With every little argument……

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
10 posts
Newbee

Hey I can relate for sure! I wish it wasnt the case, I wish that I didnt feel the way I do all the time, but I do, and that makes me bitter and anytime an arguement is involved the bitter resentment I hold towards him comes out showing its ugly teeth,  but i cant help it, I feel like im broken or defective not worth marrying, We are arguing right now, thats the reason I log on here

to make me feel less alone

Its their own fault and they deserve it as far as Im concerned lol

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@Wonderwoman217: It doesn’t sound silly at all. I think about that all the time when we’re having an argumentdisagreement. For example: Our tv sucks. We have to throw a baseball at it in order to get the screen clear enough to watch. Not kidding. If we don’t have a baseball, then we’ll use some other hard object to bash the heck out of it to work, lol. Anyhoo, J’s always complaining that he wants a new tv and I won’t let him (guess why? hahaha). So we argue, and I tell him that we’re trying to save money and if this tv works 60% of the time, then we’ll just have to live with it for now. I also tell him that I’d rather spend the money on a fantastic tv to go with our new house (when we get one).

If I had a ring then ya for sure, let’s get the biggest tv we can find! But I’m sorry, if our priorities are the same then a tv should be the last thing on our list of things to buy.

Gwen.

Post # 5
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

all i have to say is YES! and i know a ton of the disagreements would not have ever happened if he would have just done it already!

Post # 6
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Glad to hear I’m not the only one.  He keeps asking me why I’m angry, and for me it’s not really “angry” with him… it’s feeling like I’m just not good enough for his name that’s making me feel blue, borerline depressed, which of course, leads to arguements.

Do men not really understand how it feels to be waiting to be “chosen”?  I don’t want to continue on forever like I was some default choice, or that staying with me is easy so why not?  I need to hear the words asking me to be with him forever.  I’ve been mopey lately because so many other people are getting married around us, and were the couple who’s been together the longest!  This weekend our friends were joking that “The His-last-names” were ready to go to (they’d been waiting on my before we could all head out soemwhere together), and while it was kinda neat to hear myself included with his last name, it hurt so badly at the same time because it’s not true. ๐Ÿ™  I don’t want pretend.  I want real.

At least most of you ladies have had more positive discussions about it than I feel we have, have discussed rings, places, times of year.  The most I’ve gotten lately is he’d like a “destination wedding” most likely at a hotel featured in our favorite romantic movie (Somewhere in Time), but that’s pricey, and if we’d have anyone join us, it’d cost a LOT, making me suspicious is it’s another hold-out tactic.  He’s a perfectionist, and I worry he’s waiting for life to be “perfect” before doing anyhting.  His little brother is proposing next week to his girlfriend of 10 years, and stopped to get our opinion of his ring choice.  This “kid” (he’s 30) works 40+ hours a week at a restaurant with his soon-to-be-fiancee, they have to scrimp and save like crazy, but he went and picked out a fairly expensive ring from Kay, like it costs twice the downpayment I made on my car (yes, I’m nosey, so I found i online – hope he got a good in-house deal – they DO work really hard to save)

Here we are, together 4 years longer then them, and I ahve nothing but the sappy title of “girlfriend”.  Their grandmother has offered me sets of her rings – but I don’t know if anyone’s told HIM (they’re wacky like that – like I could pass on that info). I’d be happy with a ring that’s 1/4 the cost with my birthstone to save money, but have also been told by my Boyfriend or Best Friend he thinks it’s bad for the woman to see the ring or go shopping to help pcik one out – it’s supposed to be the man’s job to do that.  Sigh. 

I love him.  He loves me – but without this I can’t KNOW it – does that make sense?  Every person who looks at my hand to see it bare, ever person who makes me spell my stupid last name and connects me with realtive I don’t speak to instead of my BF’s family who has been there for me for 1.5 decades, every time I get asked, “why aren’t you married?”, it makes me question everything about us, about me, and my/our future, so of course, with all the wedding bliss going on around me, I’m kinda on the sad side.

Most days I can go without freaking out about this stuff.  I don’t want to leave him over a ring and a piece of paper, but I’m feeling worse and worse about myself and how people interact with me for that lack (bad jokes, stupid questions, blank looks).  Guys really don’t get treated badly too much for not marrying a woman, but I’m supposed to “make” him do it or leave – neither of which makes sense to me.  I feel lonely, as the girls who are getting married don’t need to bothered by my feelings – they’re busy enough, and my other girlfriends are completely unattached, so I know it’d just hurt them to talk about, too.  Sorry this is long – when I’m tired this hits a lot harder than when I’ve had some sleep – wiating for coffee to kick in.

Post # 7
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Isilme: I’ve been mopey lately because so many other people are getting married around us, and were the couple who’s been together the longest!

and

I love him.  He loves me – but without this I can’t KNOW it – does that make sense?

Absolutely. I’m in the exact same place. (Been together 6.5 years, living together for 3) Every time someone who has been together less time than us gets engaged I think: “What’s wrong with me? Why won’t he do that with me?” It’s starting to play some real head games with my self-esteem and the confidence I have in our relationship. 

Post # 8
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It’s like this – even though today’s woman is supposed to be able to feel accomplished without a traditional marraige and family, the time-honored status and respect-earners of “a successful woman” an in theory can be seen as successful without a partner, there is still the societal expectation to be able to be wonderful enough to attract a mate… Men, on the other hand, don’t need to have a “fulfilling” relationship to be seen as a success, so I don’t think they quite understand the way the perceived rejection of not proposing comes through to a woman. 

I think many men think we’re just after a party and a big expensive rock to “out-do” our female friends, not we’re after a promise he won’t head to the hills once Oil of Olay can do no more good for you, that he’s no longer searching, he’s got you.  I wish there was a way to better explain it.  If we didn’t feel a blow to our self-esteem each time we’re reminded we haven’t been asked, I’m sure we’d be in better moods and less likely to be cranky and/or argumneative.  I mean, once you feel like he doesn’t value you, each time he leaves socks on the floor or forgets something you said it pours salt in the wound that otherwise wouldn’t be there.

Post # 9
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

@Taylor4:

I totally know what you mean by the self-esteem comment. It’s tough… After a while you start to wonder if you’re being taken advantage of, or whether you’re marriage material or not. Then shortly after those thoughts, you start wondering: “What is wrong with me? Am I not seeing something in myself that others can see? Everyone is going to start thinking that there’s something wrong with ME because HE won’t commit.” And then the depressing stage of waiting sets in. This is EXACTLY why women need to be reassured and have some sort of proof that the men in our lives will keep their word. They need to tell us that they love us and that things are in fact, in motion. Even if they just say to us: “Yes, I’ve looked into pricing”, or “Yes, I called this place”, or “I checked it out online the other day.”

MEN: DON’T LEAVE US COMPLETELY IN THE DARK!!

…Aaaaand rant is over.

Gwen.

Post # 10
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

Oh yeah. The other day we had an alumni softball game at my college. I gave SO my silver, right-hand ring to hold onto when I was on deck. The girls asked me what I’d given him and I said, “Oh, just a silver ring. I don’t want to bat with it on.” The immediate response was, “Shouldn’t he be giving you a ring?” and “Yeah, you’ve been talking about that for a while.” I knew he’d already bought the ring at this point so I was kind of annoyed that I was being questioned and I couldn’t say anything so I just shrugged and went off to bat. I wanted to say, “well, he’s younger than me and still in school, so how fast did you expect it to happen? and PS I’ve been talking about engagement rings since I was 10 so I don’t think that talking about rings has anything to do with my relationship status. I was just as obsessed with e-rings when I was single!” It’s like you’re expected to not only know, but to defend his pokiness with some really good reason as to why you’re still waiting. And what you want to say is, “I don’t freaking know when!”

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Isilme:

Wait, you’ve been with your boyfriend fourteen years??  And he STILL hasn’t proposed?  How old are you guys, if you don’t mind my asking?

Post # 12
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@lezlers

(sorry if this hijacks the thread)

33 (unfortunelty we’re the same age – I’m actually 3 months older so he somehow thinks of me as vastly older… which does not help him feel like I can “look up to him”) – we started dating very young in college (19), and then I ended up moving in with him because of family issues on my side – no longer in contact with any of them.  His family has been very supportive of me, and I love them more than I care to tell them, as it is too painful at times when I realize I have no actual official place with them.  I had no problem with no engagement at 19-28 – we were both was still trying to finish school, I was trying to establish a career and get ahead a bit, and it’s been hard when he’s trying to work FT in our area with transportation issues and find time to finish his degree – lots of financial concerns with me being the main breadwinner and living paycheck to paycheck, so rings and weddings weren’t really on my day-to-day thoughts, and with my family background, I’m somewhat terrified of being a bad mother, so I’m willing to adopt if it’s “too late” for me to safely have children (don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle a special needs kid, and the chances are higher the older you are ๐Ÿ™ ).

I was also fine as we were the “stable” couple while our friends were kinda floundering out there in dating land, and the “why arent you married” questions were fewer the younger we were.  But now, pretty much all of our attached friends, and his 4-years-younger brother, have all caught the engagement bug – so that makes about 6 recent engagements, and 3 weddings coming up in the next 9 months.  Of course I am having a freak out.  We’ve spoken recently, and I know he wants to feel like the “man” and have money set aside for the house we moved into a year ago, he has to settle student loan issues, and THEN he feels he can worry about a ring.  The practical, logical part of my mind is okay with that, and tells me it’s about how he fells that matters, not a ceremony or a symbol of his affection… the rest of me screams every night before sleep and every morning when I wake up.  I know being an emotional mess is that last thing he needs to see while deciding (if)when to move forward, so I try to bottle it up – I am SO happy I foudn this site.  I borke down and spoke to his mom the other night beacuse it was driving me crazy not to have anyone to talk to – my own mother is more like my wayward teenage daughter, so she’s no help.  I need to ask his mom is anyone has ever told HIM his grandmother has a set of rings for all 3 sets of her grandchildren:  his sister, me, and his brother’s Girlfriend (they are a very accepting family, and have included me and the brother’s Girlfriend in all holidays without question).  The grandmother has told me this several times over the years, but I don’t know if they’ve mentioned it to him, perhaps thinking I’d mention it?  Like that’s a good idea…  His grandfather apparently took forever, too, even back in the 20s/30s, when it wasn’t as common to wait more than 7 years to propose.  Guess it’s a family trait, as his brother is only doing so now at the 10-year mark – again, they started dating young.

I’d honestly be happy being engaged while we settle finances and decide on how/when to actually have a wedding, but I don’t see how to explain that.  I want him not to give me a fancy gift, which is how I think he sees it… I want to feel he’s not ashamed of me, or with me only because of the events that transpired with my family, and this is pretty much the only way I’d feel I KNOW. 

His mother takes it for granted that were unofficially married (not really so in our state – my a$$hole father is still my next-of-kin, a new fact that is deeply troubling me), and worries that anyhitng said on her part with make him stubborn and balk even more.  We managed to get through the weekend  wihtou me breaking down in a mess, even though wedding reminders were rampant with our engaged friends.  I hope he looks at them and see them being happy, so the lightbulb might go off in his head that the popular myth of a “ball-and-chain” isn’t necessarialy true.  He says he wants marraige, just not now.

Post # 13
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

@Taylor4:

@Isilme:

Totally agree. It’s not that I don’t think he loves me, but it really makes me question if I am doing something wrong. I see some of the girls I know who have gotten engaged (or the GFs of guy friends) and some of them (no offense) are pushy, controlling, immature, needy, whiny, nagging…etc, yet their BFs still wanted to marry them.  I don’t believe I am any of those (for the most part)–I have tried so hard to be nice and understanding and patient–and yet I am STILL waiting, MUCH longer than those other girls.  It makes no sense to me.  What am I doing wrong?! My Boyfriend or Best Friend assures me we are going about it the right way–waiting until we have saved enough, etc, but I feel like you can be saving while engaged–you don’t have to rush into paying for the wedding until you are good and ready.  I hate that all these boys have all of these excuses–either you want to be with us or you dont–please don’t just sting us along!!

And ISILME I know what you mean about feeling like they have somewhat of a point for waiting–I know he is waiting until we have a place to live and are pretty much settled and that is understandable but it makes me feel guilty for asking him why he is holding out so long, but at the same time, why can’t he just propose and we have a long engagment while we get all of this settled? I don’t want to settle until I know you want me around forever!

If we didn’t feel a blow to our self-esteem each time we’re reminded we haven’t been asked, I’m sure we’d be in better moods and less likely to be cranky and/or argumneative.

You hit the nail on the head there! I know that I would be so much more pleasant to be around if I didn’t have to worry about this.  I was just starting to feel ok about it when BAM–another close couple gets engaged (surprised all of us) and my emotions went plummeting. I try to have fun and not be a bore to be around, but my head is constantly on the subject because I am constantly reminded. If he would just do it I guarantee I would be so much happier all the time because I would feel accepted and happy to move onto the next step–not like a useless lump just sitting around waiting for his move.

@Gwen von D: Everyone is going to start thinking that there’s something wrong with ME because HE won’t commit

I am already there. I feel like people are always looking at me when the topic comes up and wondering these same things.  It hurts, so bad, and I can’t really do anything else about it except wait. <sigh> It is so true that if he would just give me an idea of where he was in the process I’d feel a TON better…

 

Post # 14
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I see some of the girls I know who have gotten engaged (or the GFs of guy friends) and some of them (no offense) are pushy, controlling, immature, needy, whiny, nagging…etc, yet their BFs still wanted to marry them.

Totally how I feel.  I’ve seen some pretty…er…assertive girls get married, and all they talk about is how “their man” will buy them things, how they’ll never do anytihgn for him, how he better do what they say (one forbade her new husband to buy an iPhone, but insisted on something for her for multiple thousands of dollars – all with HIS money) – everything I’ve always thought was kinda horrid as a worst case sterotpe of marriage… but these girls gat called Mrs, while people look at me blankly, trying to ascertain the right salutation for me.  Blarg.


Post # 16
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

@Wonderwoman217:

Amen to that! It is so true. I have told myself this before, but I guess it is easy to be blind to all of that when you are surrounded by girls with new engagment rings, weddings, dresses, people talking venue rentals, etc all the time.  That is a really good point. I have told Boyfriend or Best Friend that since we have made it thorugh 4.5 years, 2 of which were long distance, we can make it through anything. And I believe it, too. I agree that I don’t wish divorce upon ANYONE (trust me, I am a child of a divorce) but if you force things to happen un-naturally, things like that are bound to happen.  Thanks for the words of wisdom, Wonderwoman ๐Ÿ™‚

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