With him for 8 yrs, he "wasn't ready". He proposed to the next girl after 2 yrs

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You just can’t compare relationships, him getting married after 3 years to another woman has no bearing on your or the relationship you had. 

It has been 4 years since that relationship ended and you still have a lot of bitterness which is doing you no good. Plenty of bees met their husbands in their 30s and had kids in their late 30s so it’s not all doom and gloom! 

Post # 3
407 posts
Helper bee

This is a crappy feeling, sorry bee. Perhaps losing you made him realize that he couldnt mess around with a woman he truly cared about and needed to lock it down. If you were 30 when you broke up, you got together young. We change so much in our 20s it is hard to change together sometimes. 35 is a great age, you are stable and secure and know how to advocate for yourself. You have the communication skills to ensure you won’t be in another relationship for 8 years without getting what you want/need. Lots of people meet, marry and have children later in life. My advice is get out there…try to go on at least 30 dates this year. Get on online dating;usually it is a numbers game. Push yourself to meet new people, maybe travel and take up a group hobby to meet others. You will meet someone else who will make the wait worth it. 

Post # 4
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand how you feel and everything you’ve done is for the best, you put yourself first! *Hugs* don’t give up in love! I know so many people who married and remarried after 30, after 40. Children are possible, just keep that a focus while dating and dont waste time on losers. You deserve to be happy and you will be! He’s out there 🙂

Post # 5
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
stillasinglebee :  That was an incredibly brave thing you did by knowing what was right for you and leaving. I definitely admire you for that.

Facebook can be painful and hurtful with the info we don’t even ask for through friends of friends…the sting and shock can last a while 

BUT like PP said I got the impression he proposed so quickly to his wife as a result of leaving it too long with you. Comparing the two relationships is inevitable in this case but I don’t think it’s a good idea, or healthy or even truly possible since it’s 100% subjective 

I hope the new year brings you happiness and new important people into your life. You’ve been too brave to not find a wonderful man who is just as courageous as you are 

Post # 6
1023 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
stillasinglebee : I understand how you feel. I was in a longterm relationship once. We bought a house together, we were engaged but never wedding planning due to his drug problem.

Eventually I left. Within months he had a new gf who resembled me. They were married in less than 24 months. And they had a baby. In my house. 

Through the grapevine I heard he had given up drugs and found God.

I was so angry for a long time. Because I felt like “I begged and pleaded with you for years to get help. You refused. But you did it for her??”

Eventually I changed my thinking. Perhaps me leaving was the kick in the ass he needed to seek help.

I would never want him back. But I was enraged once I learned he had cleaned up because I felt he had done it for somebody else. When in reality he needed to get clean for himself.

One day this won’t hurt so much.

Try to avoid any mutual friends who might tell you about his life. Get busy with your own life. That will help. 

Take care Bee.

Post # 7
3343 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
stillasinglebee :   Unfortunately this is not an unusual scenario.  No doubt this will happen in the future to many of the long term waiting bees.  

Yes he wanted/ planned to marry some day… just not to you….he may not have even acknowledged that to himself when you were together.  He just knew he couldn’t propose….and you eventually (rightfully) gave up.    He then met her,  realized that she actually was “the one” and made it happen.

  Rather than waste energy feeling bad/ rejected by him/ sad for yourself,  learn for the next time.  Don’t invest years and years with someone without a commitment. Talk is cheap,  actions are what matters.The holidays make us sentimental and sometimes emotionally vulnerable. He was not right for you, painful as that feels and that he has everything you want.  You’re better off without him.

Post # 8
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

This happens all the time. The same thing happened to me. My ex wasn’t ready and wanted to wait for this or that, but we broke up and he was married within a couple years (I was too). It’s so common for this to happen, especially for relationships that start young.

Just do you. You’re doing the right think cutting out all connections to him. 

Post # 9
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

As much as it sucks, maybe him losing you made him realize he needed to not do that again, and kicked him into gear to not dilly dally around marriage in his next relationship. So it’s not necessarily about “what makes her different from me” but “how did I effect him and unfortunately for me she’s the one who gained from my actions.” 

Post # 10
328 posts
Helper bee

It does suck when it happens.  No idea what is on his mind not to go through with engagment, babies or wedding.   I was a should to cry on when my best friend’s ex went on to marry a someone else after meeting the girl two months previous.    I agree with the PPs.   Maybe turn this around and think of all the postive things about you.   I’m sure you will find your SO soon.

Post # 11
1282 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, just think! This is just like what happened in When Harry Met Sally! (See it if you’ve not; it’s a goody.) And she turned out much better than she expected. 🙂

From how you describe your current life, it sounds like you’re in a prime position to meet someone who is mature, lovely, and ready to settle down. Dating is ROUGH, and you have to wade through some major duds before getting to the good ones, but it really does happen to people who are emotionally mature, self-sufficient, and kind. You sound like all of those things, so just keep going! 

Post # 12
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’m sorry bee that must have hurt. Please don’t let it get you down, I’m sure your wonderful and he’s the one that missed out. You will find your guy soon <3 

Post # 13
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ouch Bee. OUCH.

Sigh. It hurts so bad when this happens. And yes, the only good thing is that you wake up to the fact that long term relationships with no commitment come down to two reasons: a) they never want to get married, b) they don’t want to marry you. 🙁

In my case, like in yours, that long term love just didn’t want to marry ME. 

It very nearly destroyed me. 

Fortunately that gave ME the kick in the pants I needed to get my butt to therapy. Long therapy. 

Years later I can tell you that I’m GRATEFUL we didn’t get married. He was right to think/feel/intuit that we weren’t right together. I didn’t know any better back then, but we really weren’t right for each other. And I needed to grow up emotionally SO much before I could really be happy with anyone. 

i wish you much healing, love and peace.

Post # 14
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

This made me think of Miranda’s quote from Sex and the City (season 3, episode 8). She said, “Men are like cabs, when their available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide their ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. Next woman they pickup, boom, that’ the one they’ll marry. It’s not fate, its dumb luck.” I don’t know if it will make you feel better, but you’re definitely not the only one who has experienced something like this. 

It’s okay to feel upset; you spent a significant amount of time with this person, so it’s understandable to be hurt when you find out he’s settled down with someone else. Just don’t lose hope, because your person is out there waiting to get with you, and when it finally happens, it will all make sense and you’ll be happy it didn’t work out with this person. 

Post # 15
138 posts
Blushing bee

Mrstodd2Bee nailed it: “Yes he wanted/ planned to marry some day… just not to you….he may not have even acknowledged that to himself when you were together.  He just knew he couldn’t propose….and you eventually (rightfully) gave up.    He then met her,  realized that she actually was “the one” and made it happen.” 

Im sorry this happened to you, I saw myself in this position -only on the other end of the spectrum and it made me feel bad even tho I knew I shouldnt care.  

I’m sorry he never gave you the closure you needed and deserved, he should have told you he didnt see himself marrying you, that he couldnt see you being the mother of his children. It’s infuritating to me when men do this, you deserve closure. Its important that you understand this, and that the two of you werent right for each other. You’re both better off this way. 

Just promise not to do with my bf’s ex did and get knocked up 4 months into dating in order to get married. Dont give up on yourself like that. Wait for the right guy and build a solid foundation for a future together. 

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