(Closed) Woah. It like, really works!

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
4383 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@mrsmdphd: I agree as well. It does seem condescending. I would be angry.

It’s good that you didn’t get upset, that’s great! I would just be a little concerned that he thinks he should “test” you.

Post # 18
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

the testing thing aside, I think what you’re doing is SO IMPORTANT to do for so many reasons! Good for you!

I have the same problem, and my technique is whenever something happens and I have a kneejerk reaction, I have to remind myself to take a step back and I will myself to see the positive side of things. 9/10 there’s always a silver lining–sometimes a pretty big one too!

Post # 19
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Gwen von D – You commented that the book tells you to “just be yourself”. It seems like “herself” is someone who gets mad at little things. Isn’t this book telling her to “not be herself”?

Just a question, not trying to start a fight. But if her nature is to be a little short tempered, will it work in the long-run to constantly try and curb that? Or would it be more beneficial to find someone who accepts it and loves her anyways?

Post # 20
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

hmmmmm. While I think it’s great that you didn’t blow up over this, I don’t like that he feels the need to test you. This reminds me of being in school or on a game show. That show that’s like, “what would you do?” Where they show a scenario and catch how people respond. I’d be pissed. But hey, good for you!

Post # 21
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@CanAmBride: Interesting question CanAmBride! I was wondering the same thing.

I am glad the OP handled the situation SO WELL. I just hope that your bf had not tested you. He could have waited for a real situation to arise. And they are not hard to come by in the real world that we live in. And if he was anxious to test you, he could’ve called back later and said that whatever he had to do was canceled/postponed etc. There is no need to tell you it’s a test if he is even going to sink that low in the first place. I’d be wondering from now that if there is an issue from here on that if it is a real issue or another test? Sorry it feels like I am rambling on but that just rubbed me the absolute wrong way!!Yell

Post # 22
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I agree with the previous posters in that I am happy that things worked out for you, but I would not be ok with my husband testing me.  It would make me feel like a child.  As long as you are ok with that, then I am happy for you.

Post # 23
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, well done for “going with the flow,”  but, I, too, would NOT be okay with being tested like that. 

Post # 24
Member
4496 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Am I the only one who thinks the appropriate response to his cancellation (fake though it was) would have been some rational and calm expression of disappointment, like, “I understand that you need to work late and I don’t mind cooking dinner at home, but I am disappointed that we have to postpone the dinner again, after you promised we’d go tonight.” It’s possible to speak up for yourself without losing your temper.

I haven’t read WMMB (I didn’t even know what the acronym stood for), but it sounds like the philosophy it’s espousing, at least in this example, is demeaning to women and dismissive of potentially valid emotional responses. While I do think you’re right to try to go with the flow in general, if my husband “PROMISED” to go to dinner one night after postponing it for 2 weeks and then called at the last minute to say, “baby can you just cook dinner at home,” I would be disappointed. I wouldn’t fly off the handle, but I would express my disappointment and acknowledge the valid response that it is to that situation. 

I am probably making waaay to much of this, but I just hate to see situations where a man has 100% control, and the woman is expected to be ready to adapt to his needs at any time, with a smile. And woe betide the woman who speaks up for herself!

 

 

Post # 25
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

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@stillme: you’re not the only one

Post # 26
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@stillme: I agree with you – that would have been my reaction too.

Like other ladies have said, I’m also not ok with being tested and rewarded after you give in and don’t say what you’re really thinking, but I’m older and cranky about any sort of game playing in a relationship lol

Post # 27
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@stillme: No, you are not along at all in thinking this.  I would be disappointed, especially after the date had already been canceled a number of times prior.  And being disappointed, is a normal feeling.

Personally, if I had been in this situation, I would have been annoyed that Fiance canceled our date and told him such. However, if he then had the audacity to say “I am so proud of you for not getting upset! That’s the response I was looking for! I’ll pick you up at your office at 5:30 and we’ll go to dinner 😉 “….well, let’s just say we would not be going to dinner, nor would I be cooking anything for him.

Post # 28
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

Wow. I am married but still like reading the forums because I love all things wedding related. So I found this thread and just had to join so I could post. To the OP, are you crazy? I mean, seriously girl, why do you think it’s ok for your boyfriend to demean you that way? Because that’s what it is, demeaning and degrading and if I say if he can’t accept or love you for who you are, then he should hit the road. Seriously. My husband would never dream of doing something like that to me because he knows I would kick his a$$ ! Wake up girl. He’s “proud of you”???? What are you? 4 years old and you just learned to tie your own shoes? It always amazes me that some women think they have such a great guy in their lives when the likes of your boyfriend, I have kicked to the curb countless times !

Post # 29
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@stillme: Agreed

There’s a fine line between ‘going with the flow’ and letting someone walk all over you. I think you’d absolutely be in the right to be upset he canceled on you and tell him no, i’m not going to cook dinner at the last minute, if you’re going to be that late I’ll go out with my friends and you can fend for yourself for dinner.

OP: I *totally* appreciate that you are learning to be more even-tempered, and I’m sure you didn’t intend for this kind of reaction on here, so my heart goes out to you. But I do think there is a balance between being righteously pissed off at your bf canceling your plans and being over-reactive to every little disappointment. You may be trying to find that equilibrium, which is great, but this seems incredibly unfair for your BF to expect you to not care at all that he flaked out AND put the burden on you to cook for him at the last minute.

Post # 30
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@stillme: great post. if i could “like” it, i would!

Post # 31
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Young.love: From the comments above, I don’t want you to think that your response to the situation was the “wrong” one. The ladies posting above are married, engaged, or single and we offered different perspectives to the situation. Once again please don’t take some of the response to heart & feel bad, and just realize the situation would have been different if they were in your shoes. Personally, and you might not give a heck about what I have to say, I would have been upset; but if you are happy..Good for you.  

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