Post # 32
New bee here coming out of the shadows to respond to this one. I’m glad that you are trying to look within yourself and try to work on things to help make yourself a better person/partner (dealing with your short temper). I’ve also read WMMB and I really dont see it as so much of a game playing manual, but as a ‘go live your own life and be your own person and the man will follow’.
If this happened to me, I would have said ‘ok, thats fine honey’. Then I would have called my girlfriends and gone to this new restaurant without him. Show him that you dont necessarily need him to be calling all the shots and you dont have to waiting for him to do the things you want to do. He’ll learn quick that if he doesnt want to miss out on these fun things, he’ll have to get it together next time. Secondly, there would be no way I would be making dinner for him after he cancelled a date on me. He can order pizza – I’ll be out with my friends. Not only is this healthy for the relationship, its healthy for YOU to develop friendships and not put all your energy into one person.
Just my 2 cents…
Post # 33
@Young.love: I quote you: “I’m not letting things bother me like a cancelled date, or a friend getting engaged”
Can I just point out that a cancelled date (or many of them) and a friend getting engaged (especially if you’ve been with your boyfriend a while and he is testing you like this) are not “little things”, they are valid reasons to “feel bothered”.
The majority of women here agree that they would be angry at their partners for testing them. I would feel hurt, betrayed, demeaned and degraded. Those are serious red flags.
Post # 34
The book teaches women respect and how to get it. It teaches women to not cater to their SO’s every need. If you do you loose respect, and he looses interest, and the relationship looses its luster. Therefore by remaining calm, confident, strong, and independent it will bring him in closer because he see’s that he can’t just walk all over you. She can tell him how she really feels about being ‘rescheduled’ again, but in a calm voice. If you have a temper or whatever, and that’s ‘being yourself’, that’s fine. He is going to expect you to loose your temper. The man will ASSUME she will yell and scream, HOWEVER if you remain calm and in control of your emotions, he takes her more seriously because she is in control of herself.
In this instance, he kept canceling the date. He needs to realize that he can’t reschedule it each and every time he pleases and think that the woman will be available to him all the time. She has a life too, and he needs to understand that. If not, his loss. If he wants to go on a date with her then he needs to set a time. If he can’t make that time, then he needs to tell her well in advance. If he changes the dinner date time from say… 5pm to 9pm, then she needs to speak up and say something like: “Thank’s, but 9pm is too late and I have to get up early for workhave commitments after dinner that can’t wait ’til thenwant to get a head start on a project… etc.” You get the idea. It’s not a game or a test she’s doing to him. It’s making him understand that he can’t take advantage of her, and he needs to realize that she can’t be at his every beck and call 247. She has a life too.
Post # 35
I think this strategy of not saying what you really feel and think is ridiculous. I mean do I think you should have written your angry “”I can’t believe you’re bailing on me again! UG I have been waiting weeks for this to finally.” text, because you were angry and it was written in the moment. But I don’t see what the problem in saying to your b/f ” Hey I was really looking forward to going out to dinner tonight, but if you’re working late I understand. Let’s really try and make it to dinner this weekend because I’ve really been looking forward to going out with you” I think it conveys that you understood what he said, while still getting your feelings across.
The whole issue with him rewarding you for giving him a desired response raises red flags all over the place. Not only is it manipulative, but it’s like he’s trying to train you into the girlfriend he wants. I can tell you one thing, if my Fiance did this the next conversation we had would get him going with the flow in how things work in a modern and equal relationship.
Here’s a silly but relevant example from The Office.
Post # 36
I agree with everyone who is calling the OP out on this one.
Holy manipulative and demeaning, Batman. This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship to me. But to each his/her own, I guess…
Post # 37
@Gwen von D I am all for being a strong, independent woman and using that to your advantage in a relationship. Where I see the disconnect between what you say the book is about and what young.love is doing is this:
The book wants you to enhance your life so that your first reaction when your SO cancels plans is “no big deal, I have other things I can do”. It seems that people are interpreting it as when your SO cancels plans you think “That A-Hole! I want to kill him”, but your reaction to him is to make it seem like “no big deal, I have other things I can do”
It’s the difference between pretending to become a more independent woman and actually doing it….
Post # 38
i would NOT be okay if fi tried to “test” me and then rewarded me with food. that’s what i do to my dog.
stillme and divergirl already raised my other concerns about this situation perfectly.
Post # 39
@CanAmBride: That’s the thing… You have to be independant and NOT fake that you have better things to do. Just do your own thing.
I dunno, just my 2cents 🙂
Post # 40
@Miss Ginger Tea: I don’t think this is a constructive way to respond and get your message across. It just makes you look like a jerk. While I agree with the many previous posters who think this idea of OP’s boyfriend testing her and rewarding her for responding the way he wanted is extremely problematic, you aren’t actually contributing to the discussion with a comment like this.
Post # 41
@Gwen von D: I think you are right about what the book says – but that’s the opposite of what the OP actually did in practice. Putting into practice the book would mean her saying, “Okay that’s really annoying that you need to cancel – but since you’re busy, I’m going out with my friends, you can figure out your own dinner”. That would be showing him she’s “not at his beck and call”. Saying “do whatever you want, I’ll cook dinner, you can be late, whatever you want is fine, honey”.. is the opposite of that message.
Post # 42
Sorry, testing anyone in a relationship is not a sign of love. It is of being manipulative for no reason.
Post # 43
@SadieBee: I thought she was contributing…gotta love the censorship here.
Post # 45
@Young.love: Glad it worked out for you. Sometimes not lashing out may be for the best even though it may be hard to do.
Post # 46
The man lied ! Wake up ! RED FLAG RED FLAG ! It wasn’t cute or sneaky or “haha honey, you lied to me you big lovebug!”. I’d be furious !