(Closed) Woah. It like, really works!

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@jayce: word. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 64
Member
4460 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

lol If it were me, I would have text back a bigg EFF You buddy! Go alone. I’m going out with friends for that little stunt.”

Post # 65
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

I find it really funny that on a board with sooooo many women saying things like ‘if I don’t get a ring by x date I’m leaving and I’m not telling him’ or saying ‘sometimes you have to plant the seed in his head to get him to marry you’ or ‘what can I do to get him to propose’ and whatnot is jumping on the OP for her guy  ‘playing games’.  Very hypocritical to me.  All of the things I listed above are manipulative games that too many women seem to play with their guys.  God forbid they ‘test’ us back.

I also find people saying ‘I’d be pissed if he canceled again’ or ‘my guy knows better’ sound pretty awful and domineering and EXACTLY the kind of girl most guys don’t want to marry.  Sorry if that’s too blunt.  But really, getting pissed because he has to WORK late?  What, are you going to support him, then?  And I GUARANTEE you that if a bee posted on here that ‘I had to work late and called my guy and told him we couldn’t go (again) to our plans and he got soo mad at me and got really rude and nasty’ that most of this board would go on and on about how that’s a red flag, and he has no right and ‘are you supposed to put him before everything else in your life’ and on and on.  I know it and I’ve been here for a very short time.

My guy always tells me that he’s so happy that I’m missing the b*$%hy gene, lol.  I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve yelled in my adult life at someone because I was angry.  I can count on the same hand the amount of times that I’ve acted like an impetulant child because my bf/husband was delayed countless times due to work.  And it happens a lot.  Guess what – my school and work are very important to me.  If I have to call my guy to cancel dinner plans for the umpteenth time in a row you know what he would say? ‘No problem, sweetie, its just dinner.  The restaurant will still be there next week.’  And he knows that i would say the same thing to him.  Why in God’s name would I say ‘I’m disappointed, that sucks, but okay’?  Do you think he doesn’t know it’s disappointing?  Do you think he doesn’t know it sucks?  Why do so many women feel that have to rub that in and make him feel bad to feel validated?  Really?  So you need to make the person that you love feel like crap so that you feel better?  That is horrible and sad.

And to those that say ‘getting angry and having a short temper is who you are’ – um, yeah – that’s considered a character flaw, not a personality trait.  I wonder if its a bitterness or fear that some women are trying to correct their flaws (we all have them) that upsets them because they feel obligated to work on their own?  If your Fiance was the one that had a short temper and got upset easy I can assure you, the gaggle of girls on this thread would NOT say ‘that’s the way he is, why should he be a different person for you’.  NO way – they would say it was disrespectful, a ‘red flag’ (words get thrown around too much here), or just bad behavior that you shouldn’t put up with.

OP – you are on the right track.  Please don’t listen to these negative posts.  Sorry for ranting but I hate the inequality I see with situations like this.

Post # 66
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@luckyprincess: i don’t need to post, you said it all. Smile

Post # 67
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@izziebear: i haven’t ever been “tested” by my husband so i don’t think i can relate but the milk example is a good one. i, too, fly off the handle for the most ridiculous things and it’s a very good lesson to step back and think about the situation. 

not to compare real life to reel life, but this reminds me of the desperate housewives episode where lynette replaces her husband’s medical marijuana with oregano flakes.

Post # 68
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

@luckyprincess : I understand where you’re coming from, and agree on several of your points, but I think you’re midunderstanding some of the bees who commented aganst the OP’s boyfriend’s behavior.

Sorry if that’s too blunt.  But really, getting pissed because he has to WORK late?  What, are you going to support him, then?

I hardly think that most of the ladies on here would actually go on a homicidal rage if their SO had work obligations that kept them from attending a receational activity, i.e. a dinner date. And while it is totally not okay to throw a hissy fit and point fingers in this situation, I believe it is understandable to be bummed, or a little let down. Why lie to your SO and pretend that you aren’t a little sad that you won’t be able to spend an evening with him?

As for the comment about women who enforce deadlines and threaten to leave without discussing it with their SO – I totally agree with you. This is, in and of itself, a hurtful and selfish mind game, and I hope that others can be open and fair when it comes to their opinions on  these types of things, without giving special treatment to either gender.

@pamplemousse : Yeah, my SO was definitely not trying to test me either. He honestly did forget the milk, and I honestly did have to make sure to curb my attitude on my own. It’s hard being hot headed – doesn’t help that I have an estrogen dominance and am a walking, pms machine half the month, haha.

Post # 69
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@luckyprincess: I don’t think what we are saying is in disagreement. I don’t play games. I have never given my Fiance an ultimatum. I am not b*&&y. My Fiance is *constantly* staying late at work (hence my presence on WB right now), and I am understanding of that and have also never flown off the handle when that happens.

However: if we had plans, and he called to cancel, I don’t think it’s mean, or manipulative, or wrong to take control of my own happiness by going out anyway instead of depending on him for entertainment. Of course I would be supportive and feel bad that he has to work late; that is not mutually exclusive of me taking control of the situation and going out to dinner if he is unavailable. I’m not sure why the two can’t go together.

I think a lot of the responses here are being misconstrued as telling OP to be manipulative right back in response to her bf’s “test”. I don’t think that’s the idea at all.

Post # 70
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@luckyprincess:

All of the things I listed above are manipulative games that too many women seem to play with their guys.  God forbid they ‘test’ us back.

First of all, two wrongs don’t make a right. I can only speak for myself, but I do not test or manipulate my Fiance, and I would be livid if he tried to do it to me. I don’t know what the norm is in your relationship, but I don’t condone manipulative games of any sort, whether it’s coming from the man or the woman. I don’t think there is any place for that kind of crap in a healthy relationship. So don’t accuse me of being a hypocrite.

Second, what most bees find unacceptable is not that he had to work late. Reread the original post – he DIDN’T have to work late. He actually lied about it in order to test her. I believe the majority of the “rude and nasty” reactions posted were in response to the lie and the manipulation, not the fact that he had to work late. And yes, I do think it is appropriate to react with anger and dissappointment when someone you trust and respect TESTS you.

 

Post # 71
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

@izziebear:

Hi!  I really like your posts but never get to tell you that ๐Ÿ™‚

I do understand being let down and disappointed – I never said I wouldn’t be and I certainly wouldn’t lie about it.  I don’t need to lie – he knows I’m disappointed.  I see no reason to have to verbalize that but even if I did say ‘oh, that sucks, ok – no prob’ that is so vastly different than so many ‘helpful tips’ that the OP seems to be getting about how pissed, angry, nasty, cursing and just plain mean some bees think its ok to be. I don’t think a homicidal rage is needed to have the reaction be inappropriate – trying to make him feel bad is enough to be inappropriate to the person you love.

It’s work – most of us work and for a lot of us it can be unpredicatable and that’s true for me and my guy and I wouldn’t even bother saying ‘that sucks’ or ‘i’m disappointed’ because I know my sweetie already knows and feels bad enough.  There is no reason to make him feel worse because I love him and don’t want him to feel bad.  The disconnect I see from some posts (not all, I understand your first point and please know that I feel that the people that it was directed at will know ) is that they think it is ok to make him feel like crap for having to continually cancel plans due to work and I am reasonably sure that they would not be ok with him doing the same.

I guess my point is (and this is what he means when he says I don’t have that gene, lol) it would never even cross my mind to tell him ‘i’m disappointed’ or ‘i’m sad not to see you’ or even ‘that sucks’ because I know he already knows, already feels bad for telling me and is sad not to see me too.  I don’t want him to ever dread having to call me to give me news like that.  Granted I’m pretty mellow, but I do a quick assesment in my head ‘is what I’m about to say helpful or hurtful? And to whom?’ and go from there.

Post # 72
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Second, what most bees find unacceptable is not that he had to work late. Reread the original post – he DIDN’T have to work late. He actually lied about it in order to test her. I believe the majority of the “rude and nasty” reactions posted were in response to the lie and the manipulation, not the fact that he had to work late. And yes, I do think it is appropriate to react with anger and dissappointment when someone you trust and respect TESTS you.

 

Good point!

Post # 73
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@luckyprincess: “that is so vastly different than so many ‘helpful tips’ that the OP seems to be getting about how pissed, angry, nasty, cursing and just plain mean some bees think its ok to be.”

Calm down, and RE-READ. No one is saying they would unleash their wrath on their SO for having to work late and cancel dinner. What people ARE saying is that they would be pissed, angry, nasty, cursing and mean if they found out their SO tested them like that. And damn rights, they should! There is hardly anything more patronizing than being tested like that.

Post # 75
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

@jayce:

Hi jayce.  Yeah, we have a very mellow, relaxed relationship and are just as happy with each other now as we were 7 years ago. ๐Ÿ™‚  We don’t do tests or mind games, either.  Not sure what the point is of all that crap – no one wins in the end, you know?  But again, I don’t really care about being married, so I know that it makes a diffence on this board.

Anyway, if I had told my guy about me working on my reactions to disappointment, anger or whatever and he called up to do what OPs guy did I could understand that.  Was he trying to be helpful and ‘check’ his lady on what she’s working on?  It seems so – the OP, who clearly knows him better than any of us, lol, sure thinks so and felt that it was a positive thing for her and him.  If she believes he was trying to give her a ‘think fast’ situation and she was able to react in the way that she wants to and is working towards and he was happy to hear it and happy for her than why in the world would we put our feelings on her?  I mean, if my bf suddenly did that out of the blue I wouldn’t find it helpful but I would also just think it was weird – I wouldn’t be angry, though.  Just perplexed.  But in her relationship, this is something that they JUST discussed.  Him calling with a scenario to hear her reaction isn’t some crazy, sinister, controlling, red flag move.  Good idea?  I dunno. Horrible man? No.

Also, for me, two wrongs don’t make a right is usually said by the person that did the first wrong, lol!  Not you, obviously, hope you don’t take that wrong – I mean in general.  I have no idea of your relationship situation.  But I don’t think anyone can argue that on a board where so many seem to thrive on manipulation and ‘planting seeds’ it IS a bit ironic and hypocritical to hear them get so up in arms over this.  I also feel that those that are acting in a hypocritical way will see themselves.  If you don’t think its you, its probably not.

ETA: oh, and I’m totally calm, don’t worry, lol!  I told you I’m mellow ๐Ÿ™‚  But I do call it as I see it and to the first situation of him continually canceling plans – I don’t think being mopey or angry about that is appropriate and I’m glad the OP changed her text to something more indicative of someone supportive and loving.  And for the second situation, seeing it as a ‘test’, since they just discussed it I dont find it to be the ‘sky is falling’ situation that so many do since it seemed that he was trying to find out what her real reaction would be to the scenario put forth while she is trying to react differently.  Really not the dramatic and awful thing that so many are making it out to be, imo.

Post # 76
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

@luckyprincess:: Aw, thank you for the compliment. I really appreciate that very much. I enjoy reading your opninions as well. Some might find long-winded posts and replies annoying, but I actually enjoy the read, when they’re well stated. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Anyways, I totally get what you are saying. Getting revenge and playing mind games is an immature and unworthy option, especially to the situation presented. Honestly, I would be a little irritated if my SO played a trick on me to see how I would respond. However, what the OP’s boyfriend did was in no way a horrible thing, not at all a “Man the station, release the hounds, this man is unworthy, RED FLAGZZZZ!” moment.

Honestly, kudos to you for being level headed. I am a firey one and only hope I continue to mellow out with age. Like a fine wine…

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