Woman Refused to be Exclusive without a Proposal

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
7994 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

LOL

I get that some women want to be ‘won’ but she just made it a competition. What happens when the thrill wears off? Having someone propose to beat out the possibility of someone else proposing first makes their engagement seem more about a dude-match vs their relationship. 

Post # 3
Member
4106 posts
Honey bee

Weird 1950s mentality.  Why pressure someone into a commitment of that magnitude?

 

Post # 4
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Fully agree. Many male dating coaches also advise women to do this.

Post # 5
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

Whatever floats your boat.

Post # 6
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

 

View original reply
observer :  you were around in the 1950s??!!

Post # 8
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have mixed feelings on this article. I’m all for empowering the woman but it feels too much like real life Bachelorette 🙄

Post # 9
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

 I am totally on board with her trying something that is different from today’s dating/relationship norms. So what if it is old-fashioned? Maybe our great-grandmothers weren’t as stupid as we think. As I understand it, it was at one time quite acceptable for a young woman to go out with multiple men. They were expected to engage in casual dating and meet as many men as possible in order to increase chances of finding the right one. And yes one of the reasons men didn’t take ten years to propose is that women didn’t cut themselves off from other men.

What happens today? A woman moves in with a man, cuts herself off from all other men, and functions pretty much as a wife to a man who may decide after 8 years of this that he doesn’t want to marry her.

I am sure this woman will be roundly attacked for “pressuring” the man into a proposal or whatever. I think her approach was fine.

 

Post # 10
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

These kinds of articles make me sad. I don’t even necessarily fault the author; I think this self-protective, obsessive management of one’s sexual market value is a product of a generation in which so many men have wasted years of a woman’s life without fully committing to her. And that hurts. I remember that fear, too. It took my husband almost 4 years to be ready to marry me the last half of those 4 years held some difficult, scary moments for me. 

But people are different inside the safety and comfort of a committed relationship than they are while casually dating. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. I would be apprehensive about pledging my life to someone I had only known through dinners and drinks, concerts, movies, and sex—without knowing what it felt like to be exclusively focused on that person romantically and to have him exclusively focused on me. And by “I would be apprehensive,” I mean “Hell naw I wouldn’t do that!” 

You’d be left with so many questions: Are we really right for each other, or did he jump the gun to keep someone else from snatching up his investment? He’s never been faithful to me, nor I to him. Now that we’re exclusive fo’ life, will we be enough for each other? What’s it like living with him? Does he put the toilet seat back down? 

Post # 12
Member
3817 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’m trying to imagine my reaction if my husband had told me he was going to continue seeing other women until I was ready to marry him, and I don’t see that conversation leading to our wedding day. 

Post # 13
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
helixthecat :  You make great points, but I feel like people change so much from dating to marriage to becoming parents. Change is inevitable. My husband and I joke about how much has changed since we were “courting.” Also, it used to be that the engagement period was more about building your life together as a couple. A traditional length engagement is plenty of time to see how things change when you’re purely focused on each other.

Before I joined these boards I had no idea how many people were waiting around for years for their partner to determine whether he found them worthy for marriage. Women aren’t valuing themselves enough to decide their own future. That’s how you end up with idiots like Kaci and Evan on Temptation Island.

Post # 14
Member
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think this is actually preferable to the current dating culture. Where someone has you locked down for years & then, maybe, they decide they want to actually commit to you. You know, after you have lived together for years & made life decisions kind of- sort of based on maybe one day getting married. Yeah. I have low tolerance for living in such an uncertain state. 

Post # 15
Member
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

 I thought the article was dumb as hell, lol. It sounds like the making of a good rom com though.

But seriously….there needs to be some vulnerability in any relationship that’s headed toward marriage.  Yes, that sets you up for heartbreak, but if you don’t make yourself vulnerable to that then you aren’t really “all in” – and why the hell would you get engaged to someone without knowing what it feels like to be all in with them?  

Also I’d be curious to find out whether this woman actually was actively dating other men during all nine months with “Chris.” Cause I kinda doubt it. The whole thing sounds more like a schtick than anything. 

ETA: also, I think there is a huge amount of room between living with someone for years who refuses to discuss marriage and insisting on dating other people until you have a ring on your finger.  Like, there are other options, lady.

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