Woman Refused to be Exclusive without a Proposal

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
821 posts
Busy bee

I think they tell you to do this in The Rules. It’s about keeping your options open and not committing yourself to a guy who’s not serious. I think in practice it might be difficult to keep this going for 9-12+ months until a proposal happens. But it’s kind of an interesting approach. 

Post # 47
Member
645 posts
Busy bee

Interesting approach, but I think unnecessary. There is a lot of distance between dating around and living exclusively with someone for years.

After my exfiance and I split up, I did a ton of dating for 10 years, in the states and overseas. So I came up with a set of rules for myself regarding men. Note – these are MY rules and they work for me, they may not work for everyone:

1. Never accept anything less than full respect. If I make a decision about what I am comfortable with and he attempts to pressure or talk me out of it, he’s gone. If I tell him I don’t like something and he shuts me down and doesn’t apologize, he’s gone. If he treats me in a way that makes me question things, he’s gone. This is especially true in the very first couple weeks – people are on their best behavior and if his best is making me feel like crap, how will things be when he relaxes more?

2. Never sleep with any guy on the first date. Female empowerment and everything else aside, if I sleep with someone and they don’t call me after the fact, I feel embarrassed and upset. If he likes me and I like him, there will be another opportunity. If I do decide to sleep with someone the first night (hello very hot Portuguese man and stunningly senusous French guy) I automatically take them out of the relationship category. It’s a fling and fun, not a relationship. In all of my years of dating I have found that the vast, vast majority of men who want to have sex the first night are in it for a good time, not forever. I definitely hear from them again, but it’s more because they are interested in more fun, not because they want a relationship. I have seen a lot of women interpret this as the guy actually wants to date them, but usually nothing comes of it. A guy can enjoy spending time with you but not want to take it further, even though you are great, because he is not in the right mindset (same as women). I find that the men who are in the right mindset don’t try to have sex the first night. 

3. (For early in the relationship) MIRROR THE MAN. Probably my biggest piece of dating advice. I’ve been in a lot of relationships and the ones where I made the first moves always turn out to be the worst (this does not include relationships where you know the guy is interested but you have made the first move because he was too shy – the first move was his indicated interest). The very best were the relationships where I was pursued. DON’T call him. DON’T text him. If he wants to talk to you, let him open communcation. There are plenty of guys who don’t have you on their mind but if you call/text them/invite them out, will happily do so. This doesn’t mean they actually want a relationship, they just are open to hanging out and having fun, which gets misinterpreted by the woman. Also, pay attention to the time. A guy who goes out with me but only texts me at midnight? No. If he liked me he would find a way to talk to me at literally any other time of the day. He messages me spur of the moment for a date? No. Not respectful of my time, I have other things going on. A guy who wants to date you will have you on his mind. He will call. He will text – at decent times. He will set up a date with you because he wants you to be available. He won’t half-ass it. You won’t ever have to guess how he feels – you will know, because you will see the effort he puts into you. And you will save yourself a lot of grief and keep your dignity by not falling all over youself for someone who isn’t really that into you.

4. Don’t assume exclusivity unless you have an actual conversation about it. Enjoy meeting other people and getting to know each other. Even if you don’t feel like it, schedule other dates, because until you have that conversation you can’t be sure he feels the same way. 

5. Don’t wait to have sex before marriage. Literally every single guy I knew who was in a relationship where they were waiting for marriage has been willing to cheat if the opportunity arose or rushed the relationship to marriage and they ended up unhappy or divorced. Of course I don’t know every situation and I’m sure there are cases where the man was happy to wait, but what I saw was that they told their girlfriends they were happy to wait and then as soon as some woman showed them a little attention they would say something to indicate they were interested in something physical. In many cases, where there was abstinence there also turned out to be sexual problems, erectile dysfunction, psychological issues, etc. Also, I can’t state enough the importance of sexual compatibility. It’s a huge part of a marriage. (Note – this is highly dependent on the person, culture, religion, etc)

6. Say goodbye easily and without fear. You are going to meet a lot of people and while they can be lovely and fun, most will not be right for you. Don’t be afraid to end something or accept an ending because it opens you up to meet someone even better. Sadness and disappointment can be intense, but build up your friendships, surround yourself with people who love you, and you will get through it amazingly quickly, far more than if you had hung on to something not worthy of you. 

7. Love and respect yourself, and accept nothing less from anyone else you date (or have any sort of relationship with). 

Post # 48
Member
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I didn’t say you said that, it is a commonly thrown around phrase on the bee. 

I also didn’t “wait” and make myself crazy, my fiancé and I decided to get engaged at a time that mutually suited us both. 

I don’t really understand why any of that was directed at me. It’s obvious from my post that I already accept that the kinds of relationships that involve either side endlessly waiting or false promises have more going on under the surface than the obvious problem. 

sunburn :  

Post # 49
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

A good concept, but I think stretching it out until proposal might be a bit much. Women should keep their options open until they get proper commitment xo

Post # 50
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

caligirlinmichigan :  I think they tell you to do this in The Rules.

… aka the piece of regressive claptrap written over 20 years ago by a pair of dunces who had no business coaching anyone about anything.

Post # 53
Member
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

caligirlinmichigan :  Really? I struggle to see how anyone can view The Rules as anything other than a sexist pile of drivel. 

Post # 54
Member
821 posts
Busy bee

zzar45 :  From what I can remember the main message of The Rules is not chasing after men and weeding out men who are not serious about commitment (this is for women who are interested in getting married) and not wasting time with men who are time wasters. 

Post # 55
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Anonymous1063 :  Yea I worked with a lady who was in her 60’s and long time happily married. She said that if he didnt propose by 3 months it was over. Things were very different back then!

I will say i think this lady is going too far, but as I have gained more age and life experience I wouldnt continue dating someone past 12-18 months without a timeline in place for marriage. Not all men are afraid of it, but those who are can be great liars and very deceptive.

Thankfully my fiance spilled the beans around 6 months that he wanted to propose and did it on our one year anniversary. Never a doubt with him 🙂

Post # 56
Member
4461 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t object to how she wants to do it, but I do object to the idea that every relationship is about a man benefiting from a woman without needing to make a commitment. It was very one-sided.

When Darling Husband and I were dating and eventually living together, I got a lot of benefits too. It wasn’t all about him. And I would NOT have been ready to get engaged early on in the relationship either.

Also, I’m an awesome person and good wife, but I’m not an object to be “won.” 

Instead of empowered, she sounded self-centered to me. 

Post # 57
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

If this is what she needed to be able to feel like she was loved and respected, than I am not saying boo. It wouldn’t work for me. I was all in with hubby almost on our first date, but I think if this woman took an approach that allowed her to feel secure in accepting a proposal, and he was cool with it too, then I am glad their story ended the way it did. 

Post # 58
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t do this to the point of a proposal, for me I do want to try living together before getting engaged as a test drive. Yes, I’m being test driven, but so is the man in that scenario, so I don’t really see a problem with it. 

I did however keep this same sort of “vibe” for about the first 6 months of my current relationship. I told my now SO that I didn’t want to have my time wasted or waste anyone else’s and unless there was a serious commmitment (just a verbal commitment) where he could see me as his life-partner, then I wasn’t going to be a “girlfriend” we could date and have fun and do dun activities, but we were both still seeing other people and not limitting ourselves to hoping this one thing worked out. 
About 6 months in, I told him that I was interested in pursuing a serious relationship with him and if he wasn’t interested in that then I felt we should go our seperate ways and best of luck!

So then we got into a serious (seperate cities) relationship for about a year, and when the opportunity with his work arose he moved jobs and we moved in together.  
We’ve been living together for 2.5 years and now we’re getting married next year. 

I think it’s perfectly fine to say “I’m not devoting all of my time/energy acting as if this relationship is moving towards marriage (if that’s your goal) without a show of commitment”, whatever that commitment may be. In my case it was not seeing other people and looking for a sensible opportunity to move to my city, in this woman’s case it was a proposal, whatever works for you!

Post # 59
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

i actually agree. i tried this with my ex, for the same reasons. i didnt see why i shouldnt date other guys while he decides who he wants to commit to. guys have stages in their life where they want a long term girlfriend for convenienece but they arent looking to be married. they also have types who they will have as a long term girlfriend who are not the type they would marry. i was not looking for long term girlfriend commitment, i was looking for marriage commitment. this forces the man to think sooner – could she be The One? am I ready to marry anyone? and if he isnt then he will leave real fast. 

Post # 60
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee

TwilightRarity :  there has to be some middle ground between dating for 10 years without a proposal and getting engaged in 9 months. Maybe more reasonable boundaries could be after two years or within 6 months of moving intogether. 

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