(Closed) Women and marriage

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 17
Member
1415 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think it’s ideal for women to have the option be stay at home moms if that’s what they want. However, most couples I know wouldn’t be able to survive on just one income and that’s not anyone’s fault. You do what you have to in order to provide for your family to the best of your abilities.

My Fiance says that once we’re married he doesn’t expect me to work another day for the rest of my life if I don’t want to since we can live comfortably on his income. I feel really blessed to have that as an option but I still haven’t decided what I will do.

Post # 18
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ummmm…..how old is this book?? Seems a bit old-fashion to me.  Plus, I hadn’t realized that all men are super rich, that we can make such decisions.  The author is very unrealistic. lol!!!!!!

Post # 19
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Each couple is different and should do what is okay with them. My personal desire is that I work because I want to and not because I have to.  I don’t thank that everyone or anyone has to share the same desire as me.  

Post # 20
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

What if the woman cant have that choice and she has to work no matter what because the husband cant support her and the family financialy alone.

She still very much so gets a choice… To work together as a couple or not marry him. lol

If staying home was something she wanted to do, then there’s also the option of creating a plan to make that happen. Both working for a period of time till hubby gets a promotion or possibly changes careers (if he has something he’d like to do that pay better)….. either way it’s all about communicating & making that desire become something that isn’t just a desire but a reality.

Currently I work part time from home (out of the house 3 days a week, 2 of which I can talk DS with me).. but our goal is for me to be able to stay home a be a full time sahm &  not try to juggle home-schooling DS & working.

I do agree however that IF the couple can survive on just his income, he shouldn’t expect his wife to work…. I may be “old-fashioned” but I’ve yet to see a marriage work long term where the wife had the brunt of “provider”.. I feel men were made more for that role & tend to thrive in it more than women do.

Post # 21
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ka393: My imput is two fold:

1. If you really want to be a housewife and your family is not financially in that situation, you should try to set a goal with your DH/SO to figure out a way to make it work. I have met people who grow their own food, clip coupons and shop thrift for everything and make those sacrifices specifically to be able to stay at home. I think that it is NOT a right to be able to stay at home, but a choice dependent on a family dynamic and goals. Also, being a ‘housewife’ was a lot easier before the feminsit wave because we were not so materialistic, costs were not nearly what they are today and people knew how to be frugal. As well, being that Stay-At-Home Mom was standard practice, it was expected that the wages a man made would cover the necessities of life.

2. Why, everytime these things come up, are men excluded? I understand that women are GENERALLY (not always) more nuturing and have special bonds with their children, but my Fiance and I have talked about mat leave, Stay-At-Home Mom things, etc and we have talked about him staying home, me staying home, and splitting our leave. I think that these days a woman doesn’t have two choices, but three, and she doesn’t have the choice independently, but as part of the teamwork of a marriage. A woman these days can choose with her partner to stay at home, work, or work while her DH/SO is at home.

Post # 22
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

all of my friends who are mothers also have full time jobs.  some of them work by choice because they love their jobs, and they are great at both career and kids.  most of my friends work because they need the money for their family. 

I don’t have one single Stay-At-Home Mom friend.

that book sounds like it was written in the 50’s. 

Post # 23
Member
1795 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@takemyhand: I totally agree with your second point. It irks me when these kind of conversations come up, but no one seems to think it’s okay for the man to choose to stay at home. If women have the choice to stay at home, then you need to accept that men do too. That’s what equality is all about.

Post # 24
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@msfahrenheit: I hear you! I always get frustrated when people assume a woman will take her full year materinity leave. My Fiance has made it very clear that HE would like to have time off as well to spend with the child he brought into this world. And why, as a woman, should I deny a father that right? I dunno… I never considered myself to be a feminist or strongly opinionated on these topics, but I feel like men’s needs and wants are often ignored when it comes to children and child-rearing.

Post # 25
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@soladylike

I agree that many people are unwilling to give up certain luxuries.  People have more luxuries today too… two cars being the norm is the first thing that comes to mind.. and it isn’t even considered a “luxury.”   I think @takemyhand stated it better than I did.

I think a lot of what you are able to do depends on where you live.  I live in the Balt/DC metro area and lived in NJ.  You could never buy a house and have kids in either of these areas on one salary, unless it was well into six figures, and even that would be a stretch.  I know one family who does it, but they have family money and no debt from college/grad school.

Post # 26
Member
11525 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I was an older bride, and I have not yet had my own children, athough I do have stepchildren who are teenagers and older.  Most of my friends, who now have kids from ages three to 23, were or still are stay-at-home moms, and some of them chose to homeschool.  On the other hand, when I was working, most of my female co-workers also had children and were working moms. A few of the women I knew in the workplace (or who were board members of organizations for which I worked) actually had husbands who chose to be stay-at-home dads, usually because the mother did not want to abandon her career and/or she had the higher income of the two. All of the couples I know who chose to provide their children with a stay-at-home parent (either mom or dad) chose this option because they did not like the idea of having their children in daycare.

Post # 27
Member
2977 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree that nowadays it IS a joint decision, depending on cost of living, eachother’s expectations on eachother involving child-rearing, home running, and family dynamics as a whole. 

It is old fashioned to hold onto the belief that the man shouldn’t expect his wife to work after they’re married. That was pretty much the standard back in our grandparents’ times. Men worked, woman stayed home and raised their own dang children. Then again, how many ladies do you know in real life who would literally leap for joy and yank their kids out of daycare so fast they’d have whiplash if their DH said to them one day “Wife,  go ahead and quit your job. We can live comfortably on my salary alone”? I can think of quite.a.few…

On the flip side, why is that fair to men that they have the brunt and burden of “bread winner”? Maybe it’s because most men are so dang good at it–as in, most men I know take immense pride in being able to provide for their families. Sadly, men get paid more than women for the same job, STILL in this day and age. Men are stereotypically the provider, the protector, the head of the house. Slowly this stereotype is fading as more and more men become stay at home dads and more ladies become the bread winner. This may “immasculate” some men and liberate others. Depends on your man and what type you chose to marry. 

I think we’re fogetting one very important person who working “isn’t fair to” and it’s the child, assuming kids are part of the equation for the sake of argument. Mom and Dad working and providing income makes it fair to mom and dad, but who’s left to raise the kids? Usually that task is left up to someone else, mostly in the form of daycare. Hey, some kids may love DC but what about all those kids that really just want mom and dad?  

So what IS the ideal???? What makes it fair to husband, wife and child (if applicable)? 

Post # 28
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Seriously Anicent Philosophy. If the wife or husband is able to be a stay at home caretaker than great, however most people require two incomes to be able to survive nowadays. And if someone cannot afford kids and the cost that is associated with caretaking (Daycare or Someone at home) then they shouldn’t be having them.

Post # 29
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t see why everyone is saying this is a bad thing? What’s so bad about being able to choose whether or not you want to stay home? No one is saying that the woman should be influenced either way…just that she should be ABLE to have the choice.

I understand financial concerns & that for some families it isn’t feasible. But what’s wrong with thinking that it would be nice if families COULD make that choice?

ETA: I am not pro-SAHM or pro-WAHM or pro-SAHD/WAHD or pro-WM/D. I am pro-whatever-works-for-your-family. (Personally, I will probably stay at home for the first year w/mat leave & my husband will hopefully be able to work from home until our child enters full-day school.) I don’t understand all the people saying “when was this book written?!”…it sounds to me like the author is just saying that people shouldn’t feel obligated to do one or the other!

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