(Closed) Women becoming obsessed while waiting to be engaged: Does Society play a role?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@candy08:  I remember graduating and feeling so proud and independent (wasn’t dating anyone at the time) and a relative taking my left hand and saying “it’s about time there was a ring on this finger!” WTF??

 

Post # 4
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

1)  Society absolutely plays a role.  There’s no denying that fact.

2)  Immerse yourself in other activities you enjoy.  Fill your time with enjoyable, productive things.  Try not to pressure your boyfriend.

…That being said, I definitely obsessed before my husband proposed, so maybe I should have taken my own advice.  😛

Post # 5
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I do not feel as pressured by society, rather than, as u stated, family and friends. However, they are probably getting their notions from the fact that after time it is ‘normal’ for people to get engaged, then get married. And then, that notion can be increased based upon location, age, socioeconomic status, etc!! 

In my late twenties, I went to 50 weddings…seriously, and I went to them as a single woman. Then I meet my so, and since those people r now making babies, we got after a year…when r u two going to get married and start a family?! Grrrrr. But you know I am in my thirties now, so something must be wrong with me or us 🙂

i say u stay calm bc u know it will happen when he is ready to propose. It is not a question of if,  but when. And then from there tell others u r happy now, not worried about it and enjoying your time together. Don’t let them fluster you 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hate to say it, but I’m pretty sure sites like Weddingbee play a role.

I was excited to get engaged, but I never obsessed about it or felt unhappy because it wasn’t happening. It wasn’t until I got engaged and joined Weddingbee that I saw how many girls torture themselves over it. They talk about it and validate each other’s feelings, which probably just makes it worse. Don’t get me wrong…I could easily see myself getting caught up in the same “waiting” mentality, so I’m really glad I joined after I was already engaged.

Post # 7
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

1) Do you think the pressure of society can cause women to over obsess about being engaged 

Yes, I think women are taught from an early age from society and media that if you are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc, a man will “choose you” to become his wife.  So then once we are in a relationship and decide he is the one, but he doesn’t propose right away, we start wondering “am I not good enough?  why isn’t he choosing me? why is that girl engaged before me?  is she better?”  Of course, this is no blanket statement for all of womankind.  Just something I’ve noticed from talking to waiting bees.  

2) Any suggestions how I can stay calm during this waiting period while people keep bringing it up to me?

It seems like you have a great head on your shoulders, and are realistic about a timeline.  I think vague answers are always best when it comes to marriage and weddings.  “do you think he’ll propose?”  “i dont know, ask him!” or “when the time is right!”  

Post # 8
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@OUgal0004:  +1

I dated and lived with my ExH for 4 years before we were married. After we moved in together in our first year, suddenly I was being bombarded with the engagement question from just about every family member – including my younger cousins!! WTF, what does it matter to YOU? You’re in freaking middle school. We finally get married, and DURING THE RECEPTION, people started in with the baby question. Seriously? We haven’t even gotten to the wedding night, and you want me preggers already?

While family is like 90% of it, I believe society also plays a role. How many tv shows have we all seen where it seems the biggest goal/happiness for the main characters is meeting THE ONE? It’s rare that the star role is one who doesn’t follow this archetype. Don’t get me started on the brainwashing by the jewelry companies.

As to staying calm – just remind yourself of the truth that you know about your SO proposing when it’s the right time for the both of you. If people continue to bug you, smile sweetly and ask them why they think you have to be validated by a ring on your finger. I’m a pretty confrontational person, so one thing I used to do was ask them something insanely inappropriate like, “How much was your latest paycheck? Is it enough to get you out of your credit card debt?” When they got huffy, I made my point. Ha!

 

Post # 9
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

it stings my heart just a little when someone either a.) thinks im engaged or b.) grabs my hand and says where’s your ring?!

but being on the bee plays a role too, but i decide to come on here too, but i cant help but not stay away! lol

Post # 10
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MrsBot:  +1

So glad I didn’t discover this site until I was already planning my wedding.

Post # 11
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Totally… Im sure commericals from Jarreds dont help either!

Post # 13
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

personally, I wonder why they obsess so much and become frustrated because this is the 21st century and unless their men have explicitly told the women that they want to do the proposing or both parties agree on who will be doing the proposing, I have zero understanding of why the woman won’t just do it herself. this is why I stay off the Waiting boards.

here we are, complaining about and fighting for women’s rights and equality and stuff, yet there are so many who still expect men to do the proposing, door holding and meal buying. in my honest opinion, regarding an engagement, I think that women should either “do it yourself or STFU about it”. you think it’s bad for you to be waiting so long? imagine your hen-pecked FH whom you’re expecting to cough up the exorbitant fee.

anyway, I don’t think it’s societal pressure. I think it’s wanting something everybody else around you seems to have. Even for those whose relatives say “about time!” and stuff, and then obsess about the ring, they want the ring now because someone pointed out that other people have what they should have at that age or after a length of time together. I also agree that the Waiting boards on WB do not help.

as for dealing with the people asking, I usually pick one answer (like maybe “In our own time”) and just say it like a tape recorder stuck on repeat every time someone asks. In fact, when people kept asking me the baby question regardless of the tape recorder response on repeat (my phrase of choice was “no plans”), I finally said STFU.

Post # 14
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@candy08:  Society plays a role, but whether it affects you or not depends on you as an individual.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. His mom started cracking jokes about having a size 10 wedding dress and an engagement ring we could use a few months after we started dating. We thought it was funny, mostly because she was joking but also because we were still just 19 and 20 at the time.

Jump forward about four and a half years. Both of us have been getting comments occasionally from people about when we’ll get engaged. It can get a bit annoying at times, but for the most part it doesn’t bother us. We know that we’re committed to one another and we know that a proposal and marriage are in the near future. It’s less a matter of “if” and more “when.”

Does it bother me a bit to see so many other people getting engaged and married? A little, but I’m also genuinely happy for them and the jealousy goes away after a minute or two.

And even though the past two years of waiting have been tough, I’m really grateful that we didn’t get engaged. We’re much more financially secure right now, we’re both working full-time, and we’ll be looking to buy our first place together next year. That may not have been the case if we had gotten engaged earlier (that, plus I don’t want a long engagement).

@strawbs: I told my boyfriend that if he hadn’t proposed by the end of this year, that I would be buying a Ring Pop (a blue one) and proposing to him in 2013. It was at that point that he told me how much proposing to me would mean to him, so I agreed not to. Instead, I’m going to try and plan some fun activities for us to do later this month to celebrate what will (hopefully) be our last holiday season as a dating couple.

Post # 15
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MrsBot:  See, I had the exact opposite experience. I joined Weddingbee a short while ago and I’m not engaged or planning a wedding. I know it’s coming soon though (which probably helps) and the Waiting forum has actually helped me to be calmer about it. I think it really just depends on which comments and advice you take to heart and which ones you don’t.

Post # 16
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@candy08:  

1) Do you think the pressure of society can cause women to over obsess about being engaged?

Nope – I think women put the pressure on themselves (and their potential Fiance in some cases).

2) Any suggestions how I can stay calm during this waiting period while people keep bringing it up to me?

Just enjoy your day to day life.

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