(Closed) Women becoming obsessed while waiting to be engaged: Does Society play a role?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@LoggerHead91207:  that’s nice. see, that I’m okay with 🙂 it’s when women get obsessive and frustrated and borderline psychotic about why he hasn’t proposed that I really don’t understand why they can’t just do it themselves. Being frustrated is justified if he said that he wanted to do it and still hasn’t, but it still doesn’t help their case to nag him about it.

Props to you 🙂

Post # 18
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think society plays a role to some extent, but I do think it has a lot more to do with the individual. I know some girls that are like “we’ve been together for a year and he hasn’t proposed!” and others not so much. 

Post # 19
Member
5317 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes and I think the pressure/norms really vary in different locations/subcultures.

I was with my Fiance 5 years before he proposed and I am in my 30s. I didn’t obsess about it or want him to ask sooner. I didn’t know so many women (and many of them much younger than me) do this until I found the Bee when I knew he was going to propose soon and I figured I’d better learn about this wedding stuff considering I’m supposed to throw one soon.

It’s been a real eye-opener. I’m glad I didn’t panic about getting engaged. I probably would have married one of the wrong guys who asked me in my 20s. Oh boy would that have been selling myself short.

Post # 20
Member
1797 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MLDoddie:  The Shane-Co radio commercials were the worst.  Even after our engagement they came on so often that it was like pressure…because we obviously didn’t buy a Shane-Co diamond. LOL.

Post # 21
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

For me, I can tell you that society does play a role, for sure. I live in the South (Alabama to be exact) and when my little sister got married before me (at 18, not she wasn’t pregnant- girls get married early down here and most people don’t think anything of it) everyone was asking when I was getting married, was I upset, etc.  I could never make people understand that I was in colege and at 20 years old, the last thing on my mind was finding a husband. Honestly, the fact that my baby sister got married before me did bother me because I’m a bit old fashioned. I remember being at work shortly after she was engaged and a woman came in saying “Oh, I hear your little sister is getting married! How exciting! When are you getting married?!” I replyed with an annoyed tone and fake smile “Whenever I find someone I love enough to be with forever.” Her smartass answer” Oh, baby, well, at this rate I guess you’re never getting married.” So, yes society does play a role…at least where I live. My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and have talked about marriage and looked at rings. I probably drive him crazy asking when he’s going to propose, but honestly, I bug him about it because people are bugging me. #EndRant

 

Post # 22
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think society and geographic location also. My daughter is 27 and usually talks to his grandmother on her father side regularly. The grandmother lives in Altanta, GA and she always say that she needs to settle down and get married. My daughter said grandma I was raised up north and we are not taught that the next stage in life is getting married.

Grandma, we are like men in that we make our own decisions, make our own money, pay for our own vacations, buy our own homes and cars. We date because we chose too not because we are looking for a husband. We enjoy our lives and if and when we even think about marriage it is not until we are closer to 30’s oppose to early 20’s. Her grandmother said now that she thought about it “you are right”.

You were raised in the city and your mother has always been independant and has raised you and your sister to be that way. My daughters are educated and I am proud of the women they have become and they are growing into women who are secure in being who they are. They are definitely not waiting to get married they enjoying single life.

I hope this helps 

Post # 23
Member
2925 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I think society tells us all, especially women, that in order to be happy we have to be married. So when we’re with a man for any length of time, the pressure is on to fulfill this wife role we are expected to play.

And women give into it often. We think, yeah, to be valuable I need a man to complete me and choose me as his wife. So we panic when that is uncertain and question our value.

I’m not saying that is your situation, but I think that sort of thinking is at least in many people’s subconscious thought.

We’re perfectly well off with or without being married or even being in a relationship, but I know even I worried sometimes if I was “good enough” to find someone to marry. Because society tells us if we’re not married then something must be wrong with us.

Anyway, enough of that! You know an engagement is coming and you’re with a great guy, so don’t worry. Enjoy just being boyfriend/girlfriend and being together.

Post # 24
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Don’t worry if you’re going to get engaged.  If you’re perfectly content with just having a job, and being successful in business, then that may be enough for you.  Kudos for being pleased with your success.

Society may play a role, but, when you take into account that a man may say he’s going to propose, but then turns around and waits forever to do it, just to hold it off, and keep the girl on the line… well… I imagine that can be pretty frazzling, too.  But, as you said, getting married isn’t the only success a person can have.

Post # 26
Member
27 posts
Newbee

1) Do you think the pressure of society can cause women to over obsess about being engaged I think societies expectations play a small role, although I believe family and friends (for example the age of others when they became engaged) and the individual play a much larger role in becoming obsessed about being engaged.

2) Any suggestions how I can stay calm during this waiting period while people keep bringing it up to me? Have a timeline if you and your SO are very open about becoming engaged if not keep yourself busy, I find when I’m bored I tend to think more about the future 🙂

Post # 27
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

1) Do you think the pressure of society can cause women to over obsess about being engaged 100% YES! I have been with my SO for 7.5 years (we have been together since high school). SO says he is just waiting until I am done law school (common april). However right now, I am constantly bombarded with adds for engament rings. Its like they are following me around the internet. I want to call up the comapnies that are advertising rights and yell “WHY ARE YOU TARGETING ME, IM NOT THE ONE WHO BUYS THE RING!”

Also every TV show seems to have at least one wedding or engagment reference in every episode. 

2) Any suggestions how I can stay calm during this waiting period while people keep bringing it up to me? None but do i ever need them, it all i think about lately and its driving me insane. I know its a question of when and not if, but i still get sad everytime i see a new enganment on my facebook wall.

PS on second thought i do have a suggestion…. i feel better after geting that out… so my advice is to spill it on this thread!

 
 

Post # 28
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@candy08:  i think it varies from plave to place, in Italy people don’t even move out of their parents house until their 30s, engagement doesn’t exist, engagement rings don’t really exist and no one gets married anymore, people seem to consider it a waste of money. When you live together you are as good as married here.

In the Uk, where I grew up, it’s more like you described but people are getting married later and later. No one really thinks of marriage before 25.

But I feel like society does put a lot of pressure on women in some countries and I find it annoying especially since it’s only on women. 

Post # 29
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think society plays a role to get engaged, at least I didn’t feel that way myself. In NYC at least, I feel like there is pressure NOT to get married until a much older age. I felt pressure to wait to get married, but alas, we got married fairly young.

 

I don’t know how to stay calm. I know I didn’t!

Post # 30
Member
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

I always am a little weirded out by the Waiting board, just the fact that it exists. I assure you there is no male equivilent out there in the web world. And then, it sounds so passive, so gender stereotypical, where women passively “wait” for the prince to take action.

But then I remember that the majority of the world does not visit this website and that even a lot of WB users haven’t put themselves on one of those “waiting bee” lists.

I’m not saying that anyone is wrong to be a waiting bee, I understand that not everyone’s SO has reached the place where the Waiting Bee is.It takes two people to make the marriage committment, so “waiting” is realistic. 

It just seems weird.

Post # 31
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@niasg1:  Great response by your daughter.

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