Post # 32
I actually have a hard time understanding women who seem almost desperate to get married. I have been engaged 4 times (don’t ask) and in long-term relationships but NEVER anticipated getting engaged; it was a surprise EVERY time. I have NEVER needed a man to occupy my time, to make me feel worthwhile or complete. Don’t get me wrong, I love FH very much and I look forward to sharing my life with him. But I am very comfortable with myself and know damn well that I would be happy living on my own.
To answer the question – yes I think society plays somewhat of a role although surely not as much as in the past. Single women are no longer looked down upon (and often envied) and can lead very happy, full, successful lives without a man. Better to be single and happy than to live with a miserable SOB just for the sake of being married! I see some of the posts here and only can shudder at what some women will endure!
Post # 33
I think posts like these are usually an oppurtunity for engaged/married women to use as a sounding board to criticize women in waiting. as evident from PPs.
the common misconception is that we have no lives, our men revolve around us and we need them to feel complete. we’re desperate, wedding crazy, yada yada the same bs.
another assumption is that we are just waiting, when we could be asking them in this modern era. which is nice in theory, but i often find that men want control in that aspect, my SO for example is traditional and would not want me asking, which leaves me no other option but to wait. but i will not indefinitely.
so before u ask a bee, well why dont you ask him? you might want to keep that in mind.
now as for the OPs question (i had to address what was said here from some, irked me a liitle)
i think society does play a role, depending on where you are from. living in texas marriage early is pretty much the norm. im almost 29, never married which is just an anomaly here. i get the ‘when are you going to settle down?’ question often.
i think women can get caught up in the wedding talk, websites, magazines, wedding shows. its kindof hard to ignore. but i guess us waiting bees are supposed to suffer in silence as theres no need for a *waiting board* -end sarcasm
the best way to stay calm is to find an outlet, the waiting board has been that outlet for me to vent and talk to other women in similar situations. you could keep a journal, take up a hobby, staying busy is key.
Post # 34
@ltcolumbo: I agree with this 100%. And when you have been with SO for any good amount of time, people will butt in asking. SO and I have been together close to 7 years. Almost a year ago, one of my close friends got engaged and married. All I got was questions about when SO and I were tying the knot and when he would ask. It did not matter that I have a promise ring, our high level of commitment, nor did it seem to matter that the couple in question was not financially ready to be married (both unemployed and went into debt and burdened family by throwing a very lavish affair and are only NOW turning things around a little). I watched them suffer as the engagement was almost pried out of the groom because of the pressure she felt from her family, society and her religion. They had been together for 1 1/2 and she was so insecure because he had not asked and it made me so sad to see.
Weddings make people crazy! Now we are financially ready and it is right for us. People and society will always pressure women whether purposefilly or inadvertently and it makes me sick :/ we just have to keep our chins up and stick it to ’em I say.
Post # 35
@candy08, thanks for posting this! (it actually motivated me to finally join the Bee!)
I’ve been dealing with a lot of the same situations you mention; my grandma called a few days ago to offer my SO and I my great-grandmothers engagement ring and wedding band. She did so with the best of intentions – she knows that I’m in grad school and my SO is underemployed, and we’ve been together for 5 years – and I was very honored and grateful for the offer. My SO and I are on the same page about wanting to get engaged someday, but he told me he wants to buy a ring for me with his own money (I support his decision).
Her call reminded me that my family (and his as well) is wondering why we aren’t engaged. Add to that the fact that no less than SIX of my friends and classmates have gotten engaged recently, on top of my friends who are already engaged/married, and I’m starting to feel like the outcast; I’m so happy for all of them, but at the same time I always get asked “where’s YOUR ring?!” and “when will we be planning YOUR wedding?!” (rude things to say, I think)
In the “aftermath” of my grandmother’s offer, I feel like I’ve been pushed over the edge and am obsessing! Sigh.
And, just to be clear- I told my grandma thank you for the offer, that my SO and I would talk things over, and I would let her know at Christmas. Now, knowing how my SO feels, I’m not really sure what to say! I know she’s hoping for us to say “yes!”
Post # 36
ok, maybe I just hate the term “waiting.” It could be that simple. If I think of it as the “Not Engaged Yet” board, it doesn’t seem so weird.
Post # 37
@nycsa: Thanks you, I am proud of her too. She changed a southern woman who was raised to think you are not important unless you are married.
Post # 38
Oh yes, society def plays a role. I see people at work, and a family member or 2 who always ask when my SO and I are getting engaged. We have been together for almost 3 years, he bought a house last summer, I moved in this past January, and we just adopted a doggy a month ago. So I always hear “when are you guys finally getting married?” I always get smart and tell them when they give me the money for a wedding. My SO bought a car and settled on a house within a few months of each other, and I am too broke to go to school for the pas 2 semesters, I took time off to save up. WHY on Earth would I plan a wedding with $200 to my name??
Post # 39
@she_might_be_modern: I think it is incredibly rude! Not every relationship moves at the same pace, and people seem to forget that. Annoys the hell out of me
Post # 40
I agree with a lot of the opinions of the PP’s here. I think it’s fine to be waiting, but when it’s affecting your relationship, that’s where the problem lies (this is just my opinion). I have seen some posts about how the man had a perfect opportunity to propose and didn’t, and the woman is feeling very let down and which turns to hurt feelings and may even escalate into an argument about the subject. I don’t think this is healthy at all.
There is definitely a lot of wedding/engagement buzz in society/social media that I think does have an effect on women. Heck I get a little flutter in my stomach every now and then when I see a beautiful wedding on a photoblog or pinterest, but I also feel very content knowing that my bf and I are in the same place and that he will ask when he feels is the right time. I was previously engaged and I did put the pressure on my ex to buy a ring and propose and the whole thing just didn’t feel right. There was something in the back of my mind saying that we were only engaged because I pressured him and it wasn’t what he really wanted. I hated that little voice. Mind you we had other problems down the road but I still hated what I put him through. I’m doing things differently this time around because now I found the right guy.
Post # 41
@niasg1: Your daughter sounds like she has a great head on her shoulders!
Post # 42
Thanks everyone for all the advice! I was surprised to see how many of you have been hounded with engagement questions as well. I think many people mean well when they ask “when are you and your so going to get engaged’? but after what I have gone through and what many of you have gone through, I know I am never going to ask anyone that question. It defiantlys puts unnessary pressure on women.
As for staying calm while waiting for the ring and having all the annoying “when are you getting engaged?” questions thrown at me, I wanted to thank you all for your advice!! After reading everyones post, I decided the real person I should probably talk to about this is my bf. I told him the other night that I know he will propose when the time is right, but I am going crazy with all the engagement questions. I told him I want to punch the next person in the face who asks me that!! After he stopped laughing, he told me he was glad I told him how I felt. He then told me the timeframe of when he would propose. Which that timeframe was very acceptable to me. He told me if anyone asks when are you getting engaged, I should reply “When my bf asks me oviously.” I know the questions will still bother me a little. But unfortunaatly I think its just something I am going to have to deal with.
Now that I have talked with him about this I feel so much calmer. I mean I am still very excited about him asking me and of course it will be on my mind. But I think that may be normal. At least now I am not obsessing over it.
A few of you said you were in the same boat as me. Maybe try telling your so how you feel. It helped me a lot.
Thanks again for al the advice!!!
Post # 43
1) Yes, and no. At least for me. I didn’t feel engagement obsessed until about 3 years. For me, that’s long enough to figure out if you want to *be* with that person…you know? It was a personal shift for me. I felt like he was and is the one for me and I want to get it started now. I’m an independent woman and I pay my own bills, but I want my life to be with him. He’s my best friend and I want to be wed before we start a family. Society can and does definitely pressure me, but I try not to listen.
For other women, I can see where they get pressured. Women in general really focus on their relationships. Growing up, it’s a way to feel a sense of belonging and a way to develop all of those social skills expected of women. When women get all tense and rushed, the sentiment is definitely felt throughout the group.
2) For me, I shut up and continued surfing the bee. I look on my own, never in sight of him, and I trust that he really does have a plan and he is doing it the way he wants to. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Post # 44
Absolutely. You’ve seen Pinterest, right? Ask any woman age 23-35 about Pinterest and I bet you 90% of them have a “someday/for the day I say I do” board on there. I don’t have a huge opinion on whether this is good/bad thing, but on Pinterest especially, it’s impossible to see anything BUT wedding stuff. How could you NOT start clicking around and becoming more and more obsessed? I know while I was planning, Pinterest actually made me MORE stressed out because, while it was helpful, it was sooo overwhelming and it was just…too much. It’s wedding mania! I can imagine that would drive me insane if I was waiting to get engaged.
Post # 45
@candy08: Thanks, Can you imagine what we deal with when we go and visiting our southern relatives? They usually say something is wrong with us…hahaha My youngest is 19 and in college to become a Vet so you can imagine what they say to her? I have explained what to expect and they handle it well..hahaha
Post # 46