(Closed) “Won’t be in the middle anymore”

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

So sorry. I remember your other post.  So when you are saying you need to make a choice, are you considering leaving your FI?  Does he know that you feel like you haven’t been defended?  Because he might think he was making great strides by simply telling his mom, he won’t hear it.  (and if I remember correctly, that is a step up from him sitting there saying, "UH huh", "Yeah".)  But I can see how this is all so difficult.

SO who is the mom talking about you two?  Is it other relatives, her sons, to you about FBIL’s gf, and to her about you?  If the brothers are uniting to not let her complain to them, and if you both agree to not here her talk bad about others, then who would be left?  Just curious. 

 Is it possible for you and FBIL’s gf to talk to her together?  It kind of sounded like there was a small window there.  You said she told Fi that you don’t go to her with problem.  (Does that mean, she wants you to ask her for advice, or to be straight up with her if you are upset with her?)  Also, that she doesn’t have a daughter, always dreamed of one.  Maybe there’s a way to straighten her out.  What if you two told her how happy you are with her sons, and how happy they are with you.  Because of that, you will get married.  And hope theat she will be a part of that, and celebrate holidays and events, and just plain old visits.  See I think the whole, losing a son or gaining a daughter thing is in the eye of the beholder.  She can either choose to gain a daughter here, or lose a son.  Maybe you all can agree to take a do over and try, in small wys, to repair this relationship.  Could you go to lunch now and again?  Or to a summer festival?

If she can’t vent to your Fiance, do you really think she will just chew you out in front of others?  Do you think you could just see how this new arrangement will play out?  Perhaps it will cause her to settle down.  I know that doesn’t make you feel better about your Fiance defending you.  But maybe he thinks that it’s a plan that will work out where she will stop say nasty things.

Post # 5
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry…it’s very difficult to feel that your Fiance is choosing his mother over you (or at least not defending you to her).  I love my grandmother more than almost anyone in my life, but my dad has only brothers and she’s never made it easy for any of her DIL’s.  She has had issues with all of us grandkids from time-to-time that stem from the way she treats/talks about our mothers.  I know all situations are different, but as far as I can see in my family, the only people who have the ability to change a MIL’s attitude toward a DIL are her sons. 

It’s a start that your Fiance told her that he’s unwilling to hear her complaints about you anymore, but it sounds like he did that more out of frustration than out of defense of you.  That would irritate me to no end.  I think you want him to say something like, "I love her, I’m marrying her, she will be my wife and my children’s mother.  Please don’t say bad things about her…or it will have to impact the amount of time we are able to spend with you."  He could even try the, "You’re putting stress on our relationship which hurts me as well" tactic.  Either way, I don’t think there’s any real possibility of his just staying out of it and letting you deal.  That’s completely unrealistic.  My Future Mother-In-Law is very kind to me, but she’s not my mother.  Maybe over time we’ll grow closer, but I just don’t feel comfortable talking to her about certain things right now and I need my Fiance to do that.  If we were at odds, there is simply no way I could handle that on my own without fear of hurting her, my Fiance, his family…

So I think you need to let your Fiance know that his "not in the middle" thing isn’t going to work.  He’s in the middle by definition.  the only reason you have to deal with her at all is that she’s his mother.  I guess I’m making assumptions here, but I just really feel like you would not have so much of an issue with your Future Mother-In-Law if your Fiance was more outwardly on your side.   This doesn’t mean he needs to cut his mother out of his life etc, but that he needs to stand up to her.  To take his side for a moment, I suspect he feels that he’s doing that already…but there’s still a road to walk.  I think you’d start feeling better if he would at least acknowledge your POV and validate your feelings…instead of telling you not to "bitch" at him about it.  It does sound like he needs to grow up a little about how he deals with his mom (who amongst us doesn’t?), but that won’t happen overnight.  A little understanding of your feelings, though, would go a long way I suspect.

Post # 6
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

i can’t really give any advice, but just wanted to say that I feel for you and hope it can be resolved somehow in the future. Sometimes the Mother-In-Law gets less crazy once there are grandkids involved, as least that’s what happened to my mom. I’m having issues with Future Mother-In-Law, where she’s basically voiced her displeasure with us being married, but Fiance came to his senses and defended me. I do agree with Tanya when she says that perhaps Fiance thinks he is making strides by telling his mom that he won’t hear it. Fiance thought the same way too but it still bothered me. It took him a while to go from that to actually defending me.

Post # 8
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I really feel for you.  Future Mother-In-Law was the main reason I broke up with someone I was planning to marry several years ago.  She was so meddling, and so mean that she was making my life a living hell (showed up on our vacation, called me names, refused to let me do things with her family).  The difference with your situation is that her son made it clear that he chose her over me.  Needless to say, your situation isn’t that extreme…

I’m not sure how long of an engagement you are planning, but I’m glad you are already seeing a counselor together.  Does your fiance know that this might be a deal-breaker for you?  I think that is an important fact to see if he’s going to stand by your side.

Best wishes.  I know exactly how hard this situation is.  This particular woman disrupted my life for a long time until I stopped giving her the power.

Post # 9
161 posts
Blushing bee

As a Mom of 5 sons I don’t think they should be asked to choose between their fi and their Mom.  My goodness it is a totally different relationship. I believe that you can tell how a man will treat his wife by his relationship with his Mother…if they are close he will be good to you.

This  may be the hardest advice you ever got but IF you really love him and want to marry him you can take hiim out of the  middle. It takes two to fight or cause drama. Just don’t participate.  Listen to her, let her complain, just accept her and her sometimes ugly behavior.  After the wedding I’ll be things calm down.

It’s not fair to ask him to choose…not fair for either of you to do that. 

Post # 11
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that for some people this is an issue and for some it is not.  For you it is obviously a problem.  Is there any way you can move out of state?  Less physical distance may help.  Otherwise, this is clearly a hot-button issue with you.  I think you should make it very clear to your Fiance that this is a deal breaker for you.  His mother is killing your relationship, and he’s letting it happen.  And this is bound to happen with ANYONE unless HE changes it.  If he’s ok with that, I say weigh anchor.  Men don’t change, especially when dealing with their mother.

As a side note, I don’t think this is an issue in normal relationships.  Only in cases where the Future Mother-In-Law is a total whack job, and has a creepy and very unhealthy relationship with her son.  It sounds very much like she monetarily controls him as well, which is another unhealthy relationship on its own.  I hope in the end you can have a calm discussion with your Fiance about what is wrong and how to move forward.

Post # 12
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If I were in that situation, I would not be as confident in my Fiance to have my back in other situations, which would affect my trust and therefore the love i felt for him.  I would be completely honest with your Fiance about the consequences of not commiting to your relationship fully – you could either save yourself time and anguish, or make him stand up for you more readily.  Good luck

Post # 13
161 posts
Blushing bee

Oh pendola I  was no trying to tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do.  I just wanted to say that the fact that he loves his Mom so much means he has what it takes to love you in a very special way.

No one should be called names or talked to like she has.  She sounds kinda crazy and that’s why I said I wouldn’t engage in the fights. You just can’t argue with crazy if you know what I mean.  You can be right but you can’t fix her…and you can’t keep her son from loving her.  How hard!

I am very close to all of my boys and most of their partners. My eldest son married a young woman whose husband had committed suicide.  A few short years later my grandson died after a lengthy illness.  My dil is not close to me or her family. I think she has had so much loss she just can’t be.  Sometimes her behavior is offensive but I just have to let it be. 

All I am saying is that if the rest of your relationship is healthy and happy then dont let fmil ruin things.  If his behavior with fmil is an example of other ways he doesn’t support you then I think you should rethink things.

Take care..and please know i was not trying to be hard or defend her craziness.  HUGS

Post # 14
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh goodness, Kazoo, I have to disagree with your advice.  I love my daddy.  I do.  So does my mom.  My grandmother is not a pleasant mother-in-law.  She can be a lovely grandma, but she’s an awful Mother-In-Law.  My mom has had to deal with her meddling, her manipulation, and her passive-agressive behavior for 25 years because my dad won’t put his foot down and put his wife and children ahead of her.  I got a nice taste of what she can be like when she discovered that I wasn’t planning on inviting kids to my wedding.  It wasn’t fun. 

When a man takes his wedding vows, his wife becomes his number one.  The wife, and her needs and feelings, MUST be ahead of his parents’, and if the parent can’t understand that, then a choice has to be made.  If this Mother-In-Law refuses to treat the OP with respect, her Fiance needs to take a stand and make his choice.  He is in the middle because it’s his mom and his fiancee. 

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