Words of Wisdom

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7750 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

From my previous relationship, I learned that you should never put up with someone who takes you for granted, and you should leave the minute you have that gut feeling that it isn’t right, as opposed to dragging things out for another year or two. If you’re unhappy more often than not and your relationship is the root cause of that unhappiness, GTFO.

From my relationship with my husband, I have learned that your relationship should be your rock, a source of stability and joy in your life, and, while some occasional conflict is probably inevitable, it should not feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle every day. I didn’t know such a relationship was possible until I got together with my husband. 

So I guess in a way I kinda learned the same lesson from both relationships? The first taught me what a bad relationship looks like, while the second taught me what a good one is like.

Post # 4
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

The true test of a relationship happens when you have your first real argument. How you get through them says everything about your relationship,  not what it’s like when everything is good and you are cuddled up on the couch. 

Post # 5
Member
10034 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

When trust has been compromised, things can never be the same again.

Post # 6
Member
4085 posts
Honey bee

ellethebee :  I’ve learned that being happy is better than being right. I’ve also learned how important it is to fight fair. Every couple has disagreements, but hitting below the belt is a no-no. Talk it out like adults. Challenge yourself to still show love towards your partner, even during a disagreement. 

Post # 7
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

Give the benefit of the doubt to your partner.  This assumes they deserve the benifut of the doubt and I guess if you’ve made him or her your committed partner to have a future with then they deserve it.  I dated many people before my husband that didn’t deserve or earn the benefit of the doubt so this was a major learning lesson for me.  Remind yourself that your partner is on the same side as you and believe in it even when what they are saying or doing seems totally at odds with you.  It’s actually not.  Just a different road that has the sane destination.  And you can think their route sucks.  That’s fine but try to understahd it and definitely respect it and be patient with it. 

Also, humor goes super far.  It’s a wonder salve.  It gives life, joy and connectedness to a looooong road shared full of dull times, disagreeing times, changing times, unsure times, scary times, etc. 

Do extra nice or special things for your other once in a white.  Unexpected things.  Surprise them.  

Continue to better yourself or die trying.

Always always always treat your partner and their world (family/hobbies/work)!with respect, especially in front of others.  

Post # 8
Member
4249 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My previous long term relationship, the one where I thought I would marry him, I learned to trust my gut.  I was fighting and fighting to keep our relationship going because I loved him so much but really…it was over long before it ended.  We were long distance and I remember — vividly — one day when I was driving home thinking the entire time “is this worth it?” because we had spent an entire weekend sitting on his couch and I was watching him play video games.  Then I called him when I got home and of course things felt like they were fine and I remembered how much I loved him.

I also learned that needing to “fight” for a relationship isn’t worth it.  That’s why when people post here asking if they should “fight” for their significant other I always say no. You should never have to fight for the person who you have committed your life to.  I learned that with my husband.  It’s always been easy with him.  We work together because we complement each other really well.  I have my strengths, he has his strengths, and we “get” each other.  I’ve never felt that feeling of someone “getting” me until I met my husband.

I had a LOT in common with the ex I mentioned above, including the same career path and a similar personality, but we didn’t work well together.  We fought a lot.  After not fighting for the first year of being together we started fighting constantly, about both stupid things and big things.  He was incredibly immature and had an immature view of how he should live his life.  He would feel he deserved “treats” for himself for accomplishing something — anything.  Which brings me to my final BIG lesson….

Do not marry someone who you do not see eye-to-eye on finances.  This was huge, because my ex would spend and spend and spend on his credit card until he had no credit left.  He would earn a paycheck and he would spend that to zero within two days.  He got a job and to “reward” himself he bought himself clothes.  He would take out all the student loans he could and used the refund to buy fun things for himself.  He was awful — and I mean AWFUL — with money.  I tried to help him multiple times to get his finances in check but he wasn’t hearing any of it.  He would get mad and claim he knew how credit cards worked.  He got really excited when my credit limit increased to well over $15,000…because he saw it as money to spend.  I mean, the man had to take out a personal loan for start up costs after college so he could pay rent.  Then……he turned around with his first paycheck and bought 5 video games because he “deserved” them because he “worked hard” and deserved a treat.

Let’s just say my husband and I have paid off all our debt and we have more than doubled our combined net worth all since getting married a couple years ago.  SOOOOOO GLAD I married him instead!!!!!

Post # 9
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

What I learned from my parents marriage was to argue respectfully if my parents had a disagreement they would deal with the issue right there and then if we happened to be in the room so be it. 

What I learned form my in laws marriage was to always be doting and affectionate towards your partner

Post # 10
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I learned from my (many) past relationships (yeah, it took a few tries to sink in, haha) that if I’m making all the effort, he’s just not that into me and I should move on. The right guy will call, text, communicate, and want to spend his free time with me all on his own without me having to ask for it. He will want to move the relationship forward at a reasonable pace and I shouldn’t have to persuade him to be exclusive, move in together, get engaged, etc.  

From my current relationship, I’m learning that the right relationship feels easy. When we disagree about something it usually just takes a calm discussion rather than a big blow out fight. I’ve also learned that we can have a disagreement without anyone insulting the other, stonewalling, or threatening to breakup. And finally, I’m learning that I can be happy in a relationship that is steady and consistent with no up-down-back-and-forth drama! 

Post # 11
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee

Say “I love you,” more than you think you need to. 

Post # 12
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Communication is essential, you both need to be actively involved, and make sure that the other feels loved and cared for. I have many more than that (all from one relationship) but I don’t want to write a book here! 😀

Post # 15
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

Don’t marry a man that can’t handle his own finances.  Money issues strangle relationships. 

There are all kinds of “great sex”

there’s someone out there for you, but you may have to actively look (especially after 30)

It’s okay if you have to start over.  Staying in a bad relationship or marriage hurts everyone.  If you feel like you’ve done everything, give yourself permission to move on. 

When it’s real love, you won’t have to talk yourself into it.

make sure he makes you laugh and has the self

confidence to take a joke.   

 

 

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