Post # 1
i need to know whether I just overreacting due to my current emotional stte. My start date was delayed for my present job because I gave birth to my first child. As a result, I obviously did not have a work shower for my daughter. Shortly after I started, a male co-worker had his second child. No shower was thrown for him. The office manager has stated that she has felt horrible about this ever since, as she believes that the policy should be one shower per each employee (no matter what number child it is), although there really is no policy (formal or informal). I have subsequently helped throw multiple baby showers for other co-workers, and even put together a care package for another co-worker on bed-rest.
I am now pregnant with my second child, this time a boy. Another co-worker is due with her first child two weeks later (also a boy). The head of the business remarked that he would have to throw a joint shower for us. Yesterday, I received an invitation asking me to help throw a lunch/ shower in honor of my pregnant co-worker only. My office manager, who is a good friend of mine, said that she would feel bad throwing one for me when she didn’t do so for the male co-worker. I can’t help but feel bad about this. I am looking for advice about how not to feel hurt about this. I don’t want gifts, I would just like to be included in the celebratory lunch. As background, I am always the person who is doing kind, considerate things for everyone else. I think this is partially why my feelings are hurt.
Disclaimer: I know that I will probably get accused of trying to gift grab, and I am completely aware of the etiquette issues, so please do not lecture me on either of these subjects. Also, please note that I work in the HR field so I don’t need advise about treating men and women equally. I believe that the treatment of my male coworker was inconsiderate. I don’t believe treating me equally as inconsiderately lessens the impact of how he was treated (or how I am being treated). He is also my friend, and I am certain he would not care in the least if I was included in the shower being thrown. Instead, I am pregnant, emotional, and sad, and want advice about how to deal with this.
Post # 3
That really is sad! A baby is definitely something to celebrate, and it’s really dumb that instead of just apologizing to your male co-worker and moving on, they’re just continuing the mistake with you :(. Hugs, and I hope you know that your friends are still happy for you, even if they’re being silly!
Post # 4
I am soo sorry you have to deal with this!! I know exactly how you feel. I am always the person giving and trying to help out others and it seems like every time I’m the one who gets the short end of the stick.
Can you talk to the Office Manager that is your friend and tell her how you feel and see if she can pull any strings. Just tell her you don’t even want any gifts it just feels like they are forgetting you altogether.
Once again I’m sorry!!
Post # 5
Wait, what? They’re not throwing you a baby shower NOW because they didn’t throw one for you before when you were pregnant with your FIRST child? Did I get that straight?
I hope not, because that would make no sense whatsoever.
Post # 6
Yea I’m a bit confused. You’re start date at your current job was delayed because you had just given birth to your first child so no shower. But now you think you should get a shower because you are pregnant again and didn’t get a shower the first time?
Not to be rude, but I would never expect my office “give” me a baby shower or wedding shower or any type of shower. It’s a work environment. If co-worker wants to give me a present then take on off my registry and send it to me from there.
I’m sorry that you feel shafted, but honestly I don’t think its that big of a deal.
Post # 7
Thanks! Non-pregnant, non-emotional, typically logical me knows that in the grand scheme this is not that big of a deal. Pregnant me, however, is just having a hard time. I think the fact that they asked me to help throw the other baby shower for my co-worker, just really set me over the edge.
The office manager knew I was upset about it. I am walking a fine-line. If I complain too much, I come off looking like I am begging for them to throw me a shower. I don’t want this to be the perception. As a result, I emailed the office manager and told her that this is way too much hassle and drama for what should be a happy event. I told her it was probably just better to throw the shower for my co-worker, but that I would prefer not to be included in the planning.
It just helps to know that I am not completely insane…hormones can do that to me 🙂
Post # 8
@lezlers: To clarify, they delayed my start date, so technically I was not employed when my daughter was born. I was supposed to start in November, they delayed my start date until after I gave birth in January.
Post # 9
@Ms Sassy: Again, I know. I would never, ever typically expect any type of celebration from work. My work, however, loves to throw a party. They do throw wedding showers, baby showers, birthday parties, etc. I would imagine that this probably does skew my perception.
Post # 10
I dont see what the big deal is. No-one is entitled to office bridal/baby showers. I work for a large corporate office. The most we do is all go in on a gift card or a gift off the couples/mothers registry. No showers, no cakes, nothing. It’s a place of business. If you want a baby shower, have your friends throw it.
ETA: I’m sorry. My post was kind of assholeish. I’m sure this all has to do with hormones. Maybe they’ll surprise you and do a little something for you.
Post # 11
I get what you are saying now Brit. I can see where you are coming from now (with the explanation that you gave after my last post).
I give you credit for backing out of the party. Better to nip it in the bud before everything comes flooding out and could look like the jealous one at the party.
Blame everything on the pregnancy hormones 🙂
Post # 12
I know that my reaction is not completely logical-sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else…even complete strangers 🙂 As my husband said, I am overly considerate of other people, and when I am not pregnant, I can handle when they are not equally considerate. For some reason, it is more difficult when I am pregnant. I think I was more taken aback by the request to help plan the other other shower. I hope my response to the office manager was not too out-of-line or passive aggressive… Thanks for the advice on both sides!
Post # 13
What I don’t understand is how it went from a joint shower to a shower only for your coworker, and then asking you for help. I agree with PPs that this isn’t that important and no one owes you a baby shower, particularly with a second baby, but if they are asking you to help throw other people’s it is inconsistent not to give you the same.
I completely agree with refusing to help with the shower, as long as it’s done in a polite way. If I were you, I would probably say something about being too busy preparing for your baby’s arrival to be able to contribute to planning.
Post # 14
Glad you refused to do the shower. Who says “It’s joint for you and Sally!” then goes “It’s just for Sally, can you plan it?”
Just rude. I hate how dad’s are treated too. Geez, half his chromosomes helped make the baby.
Post # 15
Yes I think this is inconsiderate. It makes sense why you didn’t get a shower for the first child – you weren’t working there yet! But this is different. It seems like they are throwing showers for nearly everyone else, and you get roped into planning them, probably bc you are nice and creative, but then you get the shaft. I would have a hard time not feeling resentful as well!
I think it was a great idea to back out of planning the shower, and you might have to back out of more in the future. There is not really any way you can bring it up, I think, without looking like you are complaining or whiny, although you can blame it on the pregnancy horomones, like you said, or say something like “I’m really sad I missed having a shower here with you all, y’all really know how to throw a fun party!” But that is probably all.
Post # 16
i totally understand why you’re upset. i would be too. it’s not about the gifts or the attention, it’s about the principle of showing people that you care about them when they are facing a life changing event. i can understand why you would feel like they are being inconsiderate, especially if you spend a lot of time and energy being considerate to them. plus you’re right – skipping your shower does not fix the way they treated the male coworker!
is there anyone at work that you feel particularly close to? maybe if he/she knew how upset this was making you, they would take it upon themselves to schedule a small celebratory lunch off site. again – not about the gifts, but it would give you the opportunity to celebrate with the coworkers you are close to and maybe undue some of the ill feelings about this situation?…