(Closed) Workaholic FI and my loneliness

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Not everyone has a relationship where they are attached at the hip.  The thing you have to think about is if this is enough for you?  It sounds like he will always want to work hard and make a lot of money.  How is this going to affect the two of you when you have children?  It sounds like you would be spending most of the time raising them and taking care of them.  I’m not sure that you can really work to change it.  This is something that he would need to change or you would have to learn to accept.

Post # 4
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree that every relationship is different but you have to look for what would be ideal for you. If you want a guy to spend time with you on weekends and do stuff with, he is probably not the right person. I come from a family of doctors and believe me it is like that always.

I suggest you that you try to find some stuff you like to do…maybe cooking… take a class and make new friends. Then when you are with him you will have new stuff to tell him and you won’t feel so lonely…

Post # 6
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

Hello!

Being married to a physician requires a lot of patience. I think you should definitely talk to your Fiance about how you are feeling. The last thing you want is a major blowup and letting this go too long. Having an open chat  that goes something like…”FI, I  miss you and would love to spend some extra time during the week,e could you think of some way that could happen…”  Men love fixing problems. If you don’t complain, whine or nag, and just tell him briefly what you are feeling, and the problem and ask him for the solution, he will find one.

 

Also, yes, get some hobbies and friends…it is never healthy to rely solely on one person for every need to be met. The key to a great relationship is personal happiness…if you are not happy with you, you are going to point fingers to your Fiance that its realyl him. Variety and keeping yourself happy by yourself, having a good circle of friends, getting new hobbies and keeping busy are all great ways to nurture yourself. 

All the best to you and I hope this gets worked out quicly for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@violet25:  I know how tough it is.  When we first moved to AL, my husband was traveling at least 1 week out of every month, I went to school but the rest of the time, I was home alone.  He isn’t as busy as he was but he is still busy.  It helps me now that I have a job and my own friends to do things with.

Post # 8
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree. You either have to just accept that that is how it is going to be and make new friends and find new hobbies to keep yourself busy, or express to him how important it is that he spend more time with you. I can relate in a way, my Fiance is in business school right now and we live together and barely see each other. And when he is home he is in his office working on school work, emails, etc. We have been together for over 10 years and this has always been how it is. We make time for each other but it is hard because my work schedule and his school schedule don’t usually match up. But we just make the most of the time that we DO have together. I also think that once you ARE living together you will see each other a lot more than you think and it will be a lot better than living separately. But I definitely think you guys should have a conversation about it and bring up the future and children and how you want him to be around more especially for that time in your life and just talk. Good communication is key to any relationship so don’t be afraid to discuss it such it is such a concern of yours. Good luck! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have been married to a workaholic for almost thirty years. It just comes down to what you can accept.. I have learned that if I nag or worse beg him to be here then the less he makes an effort. These frenzy of work activities come in waves. He needs to find other interest to balance his life and that will be you and your children. My hubby worked nonstop when we first got married because he wanted us to be set, it was a miserable time for me. I finally learned it had nothing to do with me, he is just very project oriented and I could accept it or leave. Obviously I stayed. As time went on things did get better, he wound down some and I became more accepting. It can work but you do have to branch out in your own life for you to be happy with it.

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely.  Sadly, I totally understand.  My ex was a workaholic.  He did it under the guise of “for us”. And yes, we had everything I could have ever wished for by the time we were thirty. However, when I think back at all the “stuff” we had, it didn’t mean anything to me because being rich and miserable is still misery.  It just enabled me to go on crazy shopping sprees by myself to make me feel better.  But it didn’t make me feel better. I wish I could tell you that he was willing to change and that it ended happily ever after. It ended happily for me, I decided that I would rather have someone who put me first, not have his career as his first love.  My friends couldn’t believe I was walking away from that lifestyle but it really wasn’t what I wanted.  I am so much happier now with someone whom I am their first priority. Btw, ex is now the youngest VP at his company, he did it in record time and bought a Porsche to celebrate – alone. His first love is still his career. I’m not saying that you should leave your relationship, only you know what is best for you and I encourage you to follow your heart. If you are ok with your FH’s work schedule you will know that. Just don’t stay thinking he will change, I made that mistake thinking that when my ex made $x amount or got the next promotion or the award he was seeking…it would be enough – finally, and he would be happy and change.  Nope. I came to the realization that if he were king of the world it still wouldn’t be enough.  Think about what is important to you and have an open,honest conversation with your FH. Maybe he doesn’t realize that you would prefer his time over having more money in savings. I’m optimistic that you can work this out together! Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

I’m going to agree with PP’s that you should talk to your Fiance about how you’re feeling about his workload, and how finding some hobbies just for you will help immensely!

I married a farmer, so even though he’s definitely not a doc, he does work long, hard hours.  While we were dating/engaged, we lived an hour apart from each other, so I wasn’t able to see him for weeks at a time, except for maybe an evening or two.  I understand where you’re coming from, so PM me if you’d like!

 

 

Post # 13
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

When I saw your post, I actually said to Darling Husband that I wish you had posted it a little earlier today. I was sitting at home by myself for most of the afternoon, while my Darling Husband was working. I definitely can relate to what you’re going through. ๐Ÿ™‚

Although my Darling Husband is not a doctor, he is pastor of a church, and the demands placed on his schedule (being on call almost all of the time, dealing with life and death issues and hospital visits, etc) are likely to be somewhat similar at times to what you experience with your Fiance. Although my Darling Husband technically is supposed to have two days off each week, he often ends up working at least part of all seven days. Some of that almost always includes evening commitments (counseling sessions, meetings, etc.) when other people are available to meet with him. He also has pre-marriage counseling sessions, wedding rehearsals, weddings, funerals, memorial services, special holiday services, etc. on top of his normal workload, and he is usually doing work late in to the evening on Saturday nights.  And, of course, he works nearly every Sunday.

When you add to that the fact that my Darling Husband is a dad, and we have his two younger children living with us 50 percent of the time, plus all of the kids’ activities, plus all of our church-related activities (two to four evenings each week for him, two to three for me), and the fact that my Darling Husband is always so tired from everything else in his life and loves to sleep (or play computer games to relax) when he has down time, I honestly have struggled with being upset — and even angry at times — that Darling Husband really does not have very much time or energy for me. 

Before I met Darling Husband, I had a very full and happy life as a single person. I owned my own home in a beautiful, metropolitan area, was an active member of a wonderful church, had a fabulous career, worked for a great company, and had a lot of amazing friends. I was always busy doing things that I loved and enjoyed. The biggest challenge for me is that, because Darling Husband and I had an LDR and lived in different states, I eventually had to resign my job and leave behind my church, my friends, and my entire “life-as-I-knew it” and relocate to a very small town in a rural area to be with Darling Husband and the kids full time. This has been an enormous and very difficult adjustment for me, and it was definitely made even more challenging because of my not really having the “payoff” I was expecting of having more time with my Darling Husband. I definitely have had to alter my expectations for marriage in the light of the realities of our life together.

I am thankful that my Darling Husband is a wonderful, Godly man; he loves me deeply; and he really has worked hard at trying to carve out time for us so that we can share some very special times together.  However, I have had to resign myself to the fact that my normal, everyday life is not going to be very much like that of some other women whose husbands do not have as many obligations and “on call” issues as mine does. 

I would encourage you to take  @MrsSaltWaterTaffy:‘s advice, because, if you don’t, I think you eventually may struggle with anger and resentment due to the realities inherent with your FH’s career.

Post # 14
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@fivemonthsnotice:  this sounds like good avice

 

also…I would suggest going through the “fives love languages” book as a couple to help understand each other better and make the most out of that time you have together

I think this is two-fold…you should find hobbies/friends that can keep you busy/satisfy you, but also, he should find a work/relationship balance that you both can live with, because he isn’t single…a marriage involves give/take and compromise.

 

Good luck

Post # 15
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

ooohh dear, I feel you. My fiance works almost all the time. When he does have a day off, he sleeps because he’s exhausted from working! It never used to bother me, but the closer we get to the wedding, the more it does bother me. I think the same thing…will I be alone all the time in our house? No company? No husband? I worry about it quite often now. He promises that he won’t pick up so much overtime after the wedding, says he is just doing it to make money for the house we are buying. Hope he’s right. :-/ I miss him alllll the time. 

Post # 16
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

@violet25:  i feel like i am reading me story i have the same problem and i dont know what to do ๐Ÿ™

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