(Closed) Working from home with FI is killing our intimacy-rant and advice, please

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
11239 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  He kinda stood there and said “ya, it kinda sucks me being back here all night, doesn’t it?”

He’s trying to tell you something or prove a point. It’s good that you brought up how you’re feeling, but it seems like he’s trying to prove something to you. 

Post # 5
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@fivemonthsnotice:  Ahh that is frustrating. Do you just think it’s a short phase? I have occasional issues with this too. My DH is in medical school, and studies oh, 14 hours a day on average. It absolutely kills his drive to do anything else. But if I say something to the effect of “hey, can we make some time this week to hang out/go out to dinner/maybe see a movie, he’ll get the idea that he’s not paying me enough attention.

I think that maybe you guys need to just get out of the house a little bit. Go to a farmer’s market, go walk around the mall, just get out of your house for a bit. Let him know how you’re feeling about the intimacy, because I doubt he’s intentionally trying to snub you. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should set some rules/parameters for you two. He needs to be in the making up of them so you both buy in to the idea, but bring up the conversation with suggestions like

  • Work stops at 6pm so that means no more computer in the backroom. If someone wants to be on the computer bring it into the livingroom
  • Eat dinner together everynight
  • Fridays are date nights out of the house
  • Tuesdays are watch a netflix movie night together

It create the office like envronment/schedule you are looking for. 

Post # 10
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sounds like you guys need date night, as PP said.  We started doing “secret date”, where one of us plans a simple evening out, and doesn’t tell the other anything.  Maybe you can go first and pick a day next week and say to him “Do we have plans next thursday? No, then I’m taking you on a secret date”.  You get to plan, drive and pay for the night, then he does the next one!

We’ve been having alot of fun with ours!

Post # 11
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ThreeMeers:  Great advice.

I was going to say similar, when you work from home, you need a routine or you will go INSANE. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think he might be feeling a little smuggled (not sure if that’s the right word or not).  You guys are home together all the time, and maybe he is escaping to the office for some alone time.  Everyone needs some alone time to veg.

There have been a couple of times we FI and I have both worked from home for a week straight…we were getting pretty sick of each other by the end, because we were spending 24/7 together. 

Post # 13
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@coffeegal85:  This is also a good point. Maybe implement some time where you each go to the gym at seperate hours of the day, or work a few hours from the local coffee shop?

And I think the word you are looking for is smothered 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ThreeMeers:  Lol, yeah, that’s the word I was looking for.  Hahaha, obviously my brain is tired 🙁

Post # 15
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My fiance and I both work from home and when he first moved in and started telecommuting, I was quite worried that it would be a rough transition. We’re very fortunate to have a 3-story house so I work from the 3rd floor guest room where my original home office is, and he works in the basement where he set up another home office, and we can keep the second floor and our bedroom free of work stuff. 

Since I’m in the same situation as you are, as a telecommuter getting ready to marry a telecommuter, I might be able to give some good advice:

-Establish some “work free” zones in the house and that may mean moving your work area away from the living room into another corner.  You have to have some places where work can’t intrude. I really think it’s important to have a desk or chair that you can walk away from at the end of the workday and not be sitting in the same place to relax or watch tv as you usually work.  

-Establish a routine for those around-the-house chores that would be easy to do during work hours but always seem to end up getting done after hours on your own time. If you pop the laundry in between conference calls, you don’t have to do it while you’re trying to spend romantic time together.

-Make a pattern of taking short breaks together, like a 10am coffee break in the kitchen. Outside those breaks, don’t go looking for each other. Don’t IM or text, don’t go down the hall to say hello.  I’m not saying you have to shut yourselves completely off or ignore each other, but focusing on your work during work time will help you focus on each other during non-work time, and will help you get all your work done so you’re not bleeding work into personal hours.

-Set a limit on use of electronics in bed. 10 minutes of blackberry or iphone is enough. Bed is for sleeping and foolin’ around, not for iphones!

-Set some work-free time zones so that even if your normal work hours don’t line up smoothly, there is dedicated time every day to relax together, have a proper dinner, and basically not work. It is really hard for us telecommuters to “switch off” because there’s a huge temptation to do just one more thing while camped out on the sofa.  

-Set a normal bedtime and stick to it. If there’s an exception like a big project where one of you will need to work late, make sure you give enough advance notice

-Take mini-vacations when you can. Even one night in a local hotel is a nice change of pace and gives you some much-needed couples time. Also plan a regular date nite and give yourselves a challenge like “try one new restaurant a month” so you don’t fall into a boring routine.

-And most importantly, be honest and open with each other about your current workload.  If he has extra work that requires extra hours, then he’ll need to lock himself in the back room, but if he doesn’t tell you he’s locked in there because of the extra work, then you’re left alone to guess where he’s gone, and all those What If’s are torture. It works both ways, too 🙂

Post # 16
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@fivemonthsnotice:  Ooh you’re getting lots of good advice. Per your question “should I just invite him out and drop it” – I don’t think you really need to overanalyze this. I doubt he’s intentionally trying to get under your skin, it just sounds like he needs a good schedule. I hear on these boards a lot that some ladies try to delve deeper into behavior of their SO’s and make percieved issues to be bigger than they really are. I’m not saying you’re doing that at all, but it sounds like from his comment about his ex, that she kinda veered into that territory. Everyone needs space, and being cooped up in the same house every single day together doesn’t really give you that. I bet if you guys start having more fun outside the house together, the intimacy issue may resolve itself. Good luck!!

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