Working, in a relationship, late 20's… realistic to make new girlfriends?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

Well you only have so much time so if that is a high priority for you, then you need to spend less time with your boyfriend or less time working to free up time to make new girlfriends.  

 

I’m about 10 years older and the honest truth is for most women, you don’t make any more of those besties who know every little thing about you after your mid-20’s. Once people start pairing off and really once they start having kids, most women don’t have the bandwidth to also be making more deep friendships. Many of us are struggling to keep up with the dear friends we’ve had for 10-30 years because we’re stretched so thin between work and family life.

 

You’ll make new friends for sure as you age, but they’re more likely to be “season of life” friends than true bffs. 

 

My last really close friend was made when I was 26/27. 

Post # 3
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee

I personally believe that people find time for things they want. It is possible. I found one of my closest friends in my mid 20’s. I’m in a long term relationship and she is married and we both work. The meeting don’t have to be full evenings that take long. We went for hour long walks, quick lunch, coffee after work and built from there to go on holidays etc. Don’t over think it. It’s like the beginning of a relationship, you will find time if you want to and move slowly before you are at a sleepover level.

Post # 4
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

27 here. I have a small circle or friends but last year i felt like i wasted some time trying very hard and going out of my way to see them and hang out with him.  I think its really important to find friends who have the same interests as you. As in willing to come.over and just hang out but at the same time plan a small vacations in the future. But they didn’t. And im ok with that. 

To be honest this year i didnt try jack to see my friends this year . Bu they dont have the exact same interest as me. I love to stay home and save and we travel a lottt!. My friends stull struggle managing money and go out drinking bars and stuff always going put to eat. This might sounds cheesey but i asked and prayed to the good lord and the universe lol that i didnt want to watse my time anymore and to show me to.the people who need me.  I reconnected with my cousins and my sister in law and other friends who hit me up when they want to see me and try to hang out with me. Its a a two way road. Be willing to put in work. Or hang back and enjoy the life you lead. When i see effort i appreciate it and put the same amount back 

Post # 5
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

It’s difficult, but I agree with the PP that the answer is to find friends who enjoy the same things as you or have the same interests. That way, you do not need to carve out extra time to see them, you can just invite them along for what you will be doing anyway. I walk every afternoon for exercise after I have finished work, and I invite one of my closest friends to walk with me a couple of times a week. We occasionally go on a hike on the weekends too. It’s a win-win because we get to spend time together, and we both get our dose of exercise.

Likewise, I also (like you) enjoy chilling in my comfy pants with a glass of wine or hot chocolate at the end of the day. And so, if there’s a friend I really want to see, I will invite them over to do that with me. If I’m cooking dinner, I might invite a friend over to join me. It doesn’t have to be anything lengthy or special… just incorporate your friends into your life. The right ones will be ok with that. In fact, I would venture to say that the friends who become close friends are the ones you can fit into your life. The ones you don’t end up seeing too often because it’s too much work tend to become kind of good acquaintances. That’s been my experience.

So, if there’s a friend you want to get close to, try inviting her to do stuff with you that you would normally do. If there’s a movie you would have gone to see anyway, try inviting her. You don’t need to break your back, just do what’s comfortable.

Post # 6
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Girl, I’m 27 and honestly wondering the same thing.

I moved to a new state 2 years ago for Darling Husband. I moved out of my home state 2 years before that, so to be honest I’ve fallen out of touch with a lot of ladies from my teens and early 20s.

The closest thing I’ve got to girlfriends since the move are some similarly aged girls at work (they are honestly so sweet- they know my whole family is out of state so when I was getting married they threw me a completely surprise bridal shower one weekend and had Darling Husband in on it and everything) but I don’t really consider us that close. 

I’m exhausted when I get home and I don’t even want to wear pants, much less expend the mental energy required to have a get-to-know-you type of conversation.

We are currently TTC and I just figure at this point maybe I’ll bond with some other moms once our kid comes along? Who knows. 

This probably wasn’t that helpful, but you are definitely not alone. 

Post # 7
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

I agree as a married 29 year old! I think its very hard to make new friends at this stage of life. When I started a new job at age 27 I thought possible I’d make some close friends however after a few months I realized that I like the idea of that but it’s too difficult- i agree with everything you said that there are other friends I already have relationships with I need to make time to see. The only friend I’ve really made is my neighbor and hope we can keep that up since we’ll probably have kids around the same time. I think it would be extremely difficult to make new close girl friends if we moved to a new city without really trying, I think we’d be more likely to just have some couple friends we didn’t really know as close as you’re describing 

Post # 8
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s so hard, especially since I’ve moved so often since university and we moved to this smallish city about 4 years ago. Everyone I work with grew up here and has all their school friends still, and seems to know everyone. And they have their families. Whereas we don’t have families here or know anyone, and the girls at work don’t need to make new friends so why would they bother. So its pretty lonely and I don’t even know how to go about finding other young women to connect with?? I don’t play sports. Darling Husband keeps telling me that once we have a baby I’ll make friends at mothers groups or something. Hope that’ll be the case. 

Post # 9
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ugh, I feel your pain! I’m 29, married for almost 3 years, and hubby and I just moved back to the area where we grew up. I’ve lost touch with a lot of people from high school, I can’t seem to keep up with my friends from college and grad school, and my best friends live too far away to see much at all. I work from home and teach college biology, so my work hours constantly change. Hubby’s job constantly rotates from day shift to night shift, with his off days on weekends, and we also have pets. I can barely keep up with my regular day-to-day life, spend time with hubby, and keep up some semblance of a gym routine, so I have NO idea how to go about making new girl friends that aren’t my co-workers and even somewhat close in age.

Commenting to follow and share that you are NOT alone!

Post # 10
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think getting involved with a regular activity is the best way to do it .what are your interests? For me, it’s sports, so most of the friends I have now are friends I met and developed relationships with are from my recreational soccer team. 

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I do think making new friends can be challenging as you grow older, but I will say my friendships seem to always be in flux.  There are some people I see consistently and regularly that have been my best friends over time and there are other people where we go through periods of being more close or more distant depending on what’s going on in our lives.  I guess I’ve just learned to roll with, make the effort when I can, but also prioritize self-care and personal goals.

I’m in my mid 30’s and did meet two new close friends in the past couple years, but we were also training to become fitness instructors together.  It was the shared passion and time commitment to training (together) that brought us together.  I don’t know if this is typical but I always leave myself open for the possibility that something new could happen.

Post # 12
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Perhaps after a few surface get togethers like drinks/dinner, you can invite them over? I would even be direct about it after you’ve established a casual friendship like “Hey, I’ve had a long week at work and would love to just lounge. Want to come over in comfy clothes and have some wine?” I don’t know about the woman your age (I’m on the cusp of 20) but my friends wouldn’t seem to have an issue with that (But I am in college, so maybe it’s different?) Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Similar to what other people said, make friends with girls who have similar interests. Most of my later in life friends I’ve met at work, or through my husband. (Aka the wife of one of his friends) These are people you interact with regularly anyway, so you don’t have to go out of your way to make the friendship work. 

Post # 14
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Gosh, seems like we all have similar stories and experiences.  College was super easy to make friends, same with grad school, and then afterwards, it got much harder.  People move away, get married and have kids, or your lifestyles change.  We only have so much focus/concentration/bandwidth and are constantly being pulled in so many directions.  

To answer your question, I definitely think it’s possible, though it takes a good amount of effort, from both parties.  There’s research that shows that friendships (the ones that you seem to be looking for, i.e. deep, meaningful, long-term) develop over repeated, casual interactions, and you have to build trust during those interactions.  The situation can be intense and for a shorter duration, or more casual over a longer period of time.  It really is like dating, because the same concepts of ‘chemistry’ and what-not hold true.  It helps to have similar interests and to be in the same phase of life.  People talk about the separation of single vs. married, but I think the separation is much more apparent in kids vs. no kids.  But I have re-connected with several friends who are now divorced or have older kids.  Friends with young kids are basically a goner for several years, for understandable reasons, at least in my life.  

And as PP stated, relationships ebb and flow.  You may re-connect with some and lose touch with others.  I used to get really bummed about the latter, though now I just accept it as part of life.  I have met some new friends, mostly through church or work.  I don’t want to be a downer (so now you know the next thing is going to be sad), but as you experience life, there is a lot of pain, suffering, and loss in the world.  And through those universal experiences, you form strong bonds and connect on a deeper level with people.  As you get older, your world and circles become smaller, it has to be your decision to make a conscious effort and be mindful to continue expanding that world.

Post # 15
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I found some of my closest friends in my late 20’s/early 30’s. But it was easy for me because we all played volleyball together. That’s 2-3 days a week we are guaranteed to hang out. Plus we all like to workout, so we hit the gym together a few times a week and some of them are in a book club together as well. So we all do a lot of the same hobbies.  If you are zonked at the end of the week and just want to hang out in your sweats, just tell them that. Say “I’d love to hang out, but I’m too exhausted to go out tonight. Want to come over and order in and have some wine?” They may be completely down with that. Or they may want to go out, but the next weekend they are tired but don’t want to be by themselves they may call you! If you really want some new friends, invite them to do stuff you like to do. Or even if you have to run errands. A common phone call I get/make is “I have to run to IKEA/the mall/A furniture store today, want to come?”

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