Working mom shaming

posted 10 months ago in Parenting
Post # 46
Member
283 posts
Helper bee

I’m not sure where the assumption that kids are better off with a stay-at-home-Mom comes from. I can see the benefits of having a working mom, Stay-At-Home Mom, or a Stay-At-Home Dad. Who’s to say that working is even depriving your kids of anything—maybe they’ll end up better off.

 

Post # 47
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

It seems you are shamed if you are a stay at home mom, work outside the home mom, or if you are not a mom and not planning to have children.  You can’t win!

Post # 49
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

pinkemeraldrose :  uhhh. these people are NOT friends or a good parent support network. My husband and I both work and have our 9 month old kiddo at daycare. you honestly dont need to tell them anything; i would cut them out. but if you gotta say anythjng, you can tell them this. we live in SoCal and cost of living is ridiculous. wanna know what to tell them: you are teaching your kid that sacrifices are made and its ok, and you want them to grow independently. I have been told crap for having our boy in daycare and i always say: you know what, he has become very social and engaging. (which is true!). 

people will always pinpoint something is “wrong.” my husband too has been told crap for taking time off. ive been told crap for having an emergency c-section. people can be awful but YOU know what YOU are doing is best for your kiddo. remember that!

Post # 51
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

pinkemeraldrose :  oh no!!! we are few exits away from the Woolsey Fire. Smoke is rough especially cause of the winds. luckily we purchases this Holmer thingy that filters smoke and allergens, and also lights up if theres unhealthy amount of smoke getting in the house. Got it during our last huge fire. 

STAY SAFE!! for you and baby bump ❤️

Post # 52
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

The thing is you don’t even need to explain why you’re going back. My Mum was going to take 9 months off when she had me but after 3 months she missed working so went back and I went in full time nursery. This was back when most women never returned to work so she was shamed for it. I’ve turned out just fine and I’m now best friends with my Mum so it clearly had no affect on our relationship/bonding or my development.

Do what you’ve got to do / or what you want to do. Nevermind others’ opinions, you’ll never win if you try to get everyone’s approval. 

Post # 53
Member
9731 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Being a mom is hard, whether you stay at home or work outside the home – each comes with its own set of criticisms. 

My standard response would/is “That’s cool.” and then I keep it movin. 

Post # 54
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I’m going to take a 2-3 month leave from my business. I would go freaking crazy just being at home all day with kids. Just tell your friends everyone is different and you don’t want to be a sahm. Even if part of the motivation for you is financial, why is that their business? Just make them realize not everyone wants their life. Say “I’m glad you’re happy but I would go crazy if I was at home all day with the baby. I’m going back to work for my sanity.” That should shut them up. If it doesn’t explain life to them, “Everyone is different. If everyone were the same then life would he boring. I’m sorry you can not understand this but I just really never wanted the same life as you wanted. Is there a reason that bothers you?” 

Post # 55
Member
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Two things that drive me crazy about this thought process:

1-If all women were to stay at home with their children, there would be so many hospitals, schools, stores, companies, labs, plants, etc. without their female staff. We need those women who check our groceries out at the store, see us for our dentist appointments and teach our children. By putting down women who work, you’re putting down every single woman who services you during the day when “she should be at home with her children” *eyeroll

2-Why are women only judged for working? Why aren’t men ever judged? They could stay at home with children too? As long as this stays a female-only argument, I can’t take it seriously.

I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. But I would never shame a woman for working. We need those women and it’s completely cruel and dumb to think otherwise. 

Post # 56
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

pinkemeraldrose :  what great “friends” you have. Different strokes for different folks. 

Post # 57
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

Just like previous posts mentioned, you don’t have to justify why you chose to be a working. Judgemental people are every where.

I remember one time my mum came to visit me and stayed over a month with me.  I left my cat in her care and went for a job interview. I found out that my cat survivved a fall from the balcony. My cat was fine but I asked people for opinion whether I should take him to the vet. You would not beleive the comments and judgements I got. The comments told me that I was a bad pet owner for prefering my job to my cat. I should have not trusted my mother with my cat. Even though my balcony was chicken wired and secured, I was judged for not doing it properly. Apparently, I should never leave my cat alone. I told these judemental people that I was going to ask the non-judemental professionals for advice. It shut them pretty quick. When I called the vet and animal rescuers for their professional opinion  they assured me not to worry about taking my cat to the vet and gave me advice on how to better secure the chicken wire to prevent my cat falling the next time. 

This is what I would tell your friends: “It’s really sad that you feel the need to judge my life to make yourself feel better about your’s. You worry about your child and let me worry about mine.”

OR 

“Can you save some of your judgements for a later time? Perhaps wait till my baby is born.”

 

Post # 58
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

There’s a really great FB message group for working moms I can share if you’d like!

Post # 59
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

pinkemeraldrose :  

So I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom. But literally, if I worked, everything would go to daycare so that’s foolish to me. I have 3, almost 4 kids. I also love staying home with them, and supporting my husband. We are a military family and this makes sense for us. My children do better with me always around as their constant, and we don’t have any family or close friends or support system. He definitely doesn’t make a ridiculous amount of money. Your cost of living sounds like you live in NY, Boston or DC. When we lived in North Jersey our rent an hour outside of NYC was almost 3,000 for a townhouse. In fucking Jersey. 

THAT SAID, any one who makes you feel guilty for going back to work, whether it’s for financial reasons or just because you want to, should not be someone in your inner circle. They sound toxic as fuck. I for one am grateful I don’t have to rush around and get 3 kids ready for school/daycare, plus get myself ready, to get to work on time. I don’t know how working moms have time for anything. Seriously. Do they even sleep? How do they do all the shit I do, and it does get done, and hold a full time job? So, it’s hard on both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between, and we all choose our hard as mothers. My advice to you, instead of engaging in the mommy wars, is to find a new circle that has similar circumstances to you, who aren’t a bunch of stuck up snobby bitches. This is also why I don’t actively try to make friends because I just don’t have the energy for the drama and comparisons. It’s just not worth it.

Post # 60
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Tell them to read this book… in fact, you should read it too.

. Will definitely clear any doubts you have about choosing

to work after having kids… if you are confident with your decisions in life, you really wont give an eff about what other people think… shaming efforts and all…

 

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